To think i am a two faced cunt, and weak and pathetic to boot

[LEMmingaround]

So there is this woman at school, part of me thinks she is wonderful, would love to be like her etc, the other part of me (the correct part) thinks she is a shallow cunt who is a crap parent (although she tries she just gets it wrong) and will walk over anyone to get what she wants.

So why why WHY do i smile and chat and feel privaliged if she deigns to talk to me. OK so i am not hip and trendy, fashionable and thin etc - but this is really niggling me and its got to come out.

I have always wanted to join a book club - so when she said she was joinging one i said as much. Her response was, let me check it out first hun" i mean really, hun??? i should have realised at this point shouldn't i Anyway, she never mentioned me going again but would regale us with stories of how brilliant it is etc. So anyway, there is another mum at the school and she has invited her along - and this is where the two faced pathetic thing comes along - saying how excited she was about going to the book club, i said "oh is this your book club thing" yeah yeah, going on about how great it was - i just smiled weakly and said it sounds like a laugh. Instead of saying - oh but you made it pretty bloody clear you didn't want me to join, why is that? don't i fit in with the image?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME - so I thought, ok, bollocks to her, she will get a nod and a hello, im done, can't be bothered etc - her choice yadda yadda - but there i am at the school gate offering sympathetic comments because her dd was playing her up. When i secretly think, this is because the poor kid has got a shit life where you put your work before her (she does, this isn't anti-working mum, most WOHM that i know work for their families, but i get the distinct impression that family comes second) and your rows with your ex and your new men within 6 months of him leaving, no wonder she has an attitude. But no, im all smiles whilst im churning away these thoughts inside.

I'd never share them with anyone else (Apart from here and with my DP) but i need to grow the fuck up don't i?

I wouldn't mind but i wouldn't actually WANT to join the book club now (churlish) as they are not my kind of people, its just the thought of not being good enough if that makes sense.........

two faced
weak
petty

[SapphireMoon]

I think it is probably good that most things we all think stay in our heads....

[YouTheCat]

Not two-faced. There's no point in blanking her/telling her you think she's a shallow cow etc. It won't get you anywhere. Continue being the pleasant person you are, whilst inwardly rolling your eyes at her.

I never really got the playground politics thing. There were some who didn't speak to me because they thought I was too posh and some who didn't because I wasn't middle class enough and then there were the normal people who didn't give a fuck.

Don't give her head space. She doesn't sound very nice.

[Finola1step]

You are over thinking it.

She is a school gate acquaintance. No more, no less.

[Hassled]

There must be something about book clubs - I had similar when a playground acquaintance seemed to go out of her way not to invite me to join her bloody book club, but did invite other people. I don't even like the woman and the concept of forced reading so I can talk about a book in someone's manky sitting room on a Friday night fills me with dread. So why was I so bothered? It really wound me up.

It's just human nature to want to be liked, I guess, even if you don't much like the other person. Makes no sense but there we go.

[dammitsue]

Who runs the book club? Why do you need an invite from this mum...? Ask the organ grinder, not the monkey.

[dustarr73]

Just go to the bookclub anyway.Its not up to her who goes.

[LEMmingaround]

dammit - thatss the whole point, i don't even want to join :) Their reading list is shite

[EverythingCounts]

See, I'd think of it the other way and be more determined to go to the bloody book club. Why not? You've said you'd like to go to one. You might even meet nicer people than this one - you've assumed they are all like her and that may not be true. I'd just go along and not wait for an invitation.

Having said that, this is a school gate relationship which is only on s shallow level. I make sympathetic noises in that kind of situation all the time, even if I'm thinking 'Brought it on yourself, really, love' as I'm doing it. It's just superficial politeness - think how much worse complete honesty would be: 'Actually you sound like a terrible parent. Ooh, look at the time, better get going...' So don't agonise over that. Be polite and leave it at that when you see her - but don't let her stop you doing something you want to do. Because really that is you stopping you, not her.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

no one ever talks to me in the playground!

[hackmum]

There are few things, in my view, more annoying than being snubbed by someone you already feel a certain contempt for. I mean, it's the wrong way round, isn't it? In your head, you ought to be snubbing her because you're nicer than she is/cleverer than she is/a better parent than she is. It's very aggrieving to be looked down on by someone like that, particularly then when you are much too nice (or feeble, take your pick) to be rude back.

I know how this sort of stuff can eat you up, but my best advice is to keep yourself busy with other stuff. Form your own book club. Make some other friends and have coffee with them. Do things that mean you don't spend all your time thinking about this woman!

[KurriKurri]

I guess its all comes down to self esteem LEM, - somehow you think this woman is 'better' than you, and I don't know why that is - I think you could probably pin it down one or a couple of things about her that are making you feel insecure. Because there are plenty of areas you have mentioned where you can see you are more successful than she is.

It's not two faced not to tell everyone exactly what we think of them - most of us do it most of the time - we nod and smile for a quiet life. That's fine - she's not important enough for you to get into an argument with her.

Are there any other book clubs you can join? (check your local library they usually have a list) no reason why her book club is any better than any other, and you certainly don't need her permission to join a book club.

Write it down to get it off your chest, then move on and ignore her - frankly she sounds like a bit of a tit, and not worth your angst.

[dammitsue]

If I'm honest, I feel relieved when I'm shunned for all this tedious social bollocks that women seem to feel Obliged to engage in!
But, if your feeling like a swipe back at the cow, tell her you think the reading list wouldn't stretch your mind enough.

[lougle]

LEM, I'd invite you to the book club. I'd make sure there were good books on the list first though, naturally. She doesn't define you - she's just reassuring you that there's something about you that she can't mould to suit her agenda, which is a good thing. This sort of person looks for people they can change to make them look better.

[LaurieFairyCake]

LEM you've got the lowest self esteem on Mumsnet.

Ffs do whatever you can to get it raised

then {{{hugs}}}

You're funny, kind and interesting. People who don't want to be your friend are likely to be twats!

Stop fawning, lift your head high. Watch a L'oreal advert or summat

[Calloh]

Jesus, I hate this stuff so much because you feel doubly shit about yourself, once because of them and twice because it's almost impossible not to care but you sort of feel a bit silly for caring.

You sound great fun and therefore extremely cool and their book group, as you said, sounds rubbish.

Some people really like to keep different groups of friends separate - maybe that's what she's doing?

Either way, you are not two-faced, as You says there is no especial point in telling her she's a shallow, two-faced cunt - and anyway shallow, two-faced cunts can be fun to be around, just enjoy her for what she is and never let her make you feel inferior again.

[fs2013]

I'm reading it and empathising but the 'c' word goes through me a bit!
I know people a bit like this..I admire them from afar in a way but don't really want to be them! There isn't another person alive who has everything I aspire to!

You need to love yourself and be more confident. That's it really! x

[PunkrockerGirl]

Just remember, the only thing you have in common with most school gate parents is that your dcs attend the same school. Once your dc are old enough to walk or get the bus to school without you, then you will never have to give these parents the time of day ever again. Bet she doesn't read the books anyway.

[SoleSource]

Aren't we all this way at times? I don't feel it is low self esteem as much as it is politeness. Be smug that she doesn't know how you really feel and you've not educated her to have a better attitude.

I owe them no malice, I owe them nothing..

[brass]

come on this is just another playground power trip for the cowbag involving her cliquey little group. she knows what she is doing. It is all about being exclusive and la di da.

fuck her and if you care so much about the book group why don't you set your own one up? with people who are actually worth spending time with?

If it helps, that sort of thing went on in our playground too. Always the usual suspects and I do strongly believe it is all about their own insecurities. Best thing is to avoid these people. They bring nothing positive to your life.

[May09Bump]

just turn up minutes from the pick up time and the go asap. Join a bookclub at the library or start one of your own.

Life is too short for all this crap - concentrate on your own family and what you want to achieve.

[Biccietin]

God this sounds so familiar. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time too. You've said yourself, you don't want to be friends with people like her. But I do understand that you want her to like you. And it really hurts to not be included in stuff, doesn't it?

I know how easily it is to take it personally, I do it. It's a low self-esteem thing, and we shouldn't take it like that. I think with people like her, it's not that they dislike you or actively don't want you in their clique, sadly they are just too focused on themselves to take any notice of you. I know people where, it seems as though if your appearance is not a certain way, it's like you're invisible to them. She sounds like some people I work with.

You are not being two-faced if you are friendly to her. It's just being mature and pleasant and nice. She sounds mean, unfriendly and inconsiderate. However I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to her, I'd probably avoid her politely.

I'm sure there are other book-clubs with nice friendly inclusive people in them. Or you could start one.

[CoffeeTea103]

You really do sound insecure. You realize you are doing this to yourself. Doesn't sound there's any thing wrong with the other lady. It's just that she doesn't click with you and that's ok. She might be sensing your neediness to please around her that's why she tries brushing you off. That would annoy me too.
Picking on the way she lives her life or how she looks just makes you look worse.

[LEMmingaround]

Thankyou. I thought id be flamed. Im having a bad week but its the weekend and I get to be with the people who matter and we are going to that lundun and park our bashed up old car in front of the savoy because you can on a sunday :)

lautie - you made me cry. I stole the salmon cos im starving.

I may well look at the library for a book vlub. Id prefer one that met at a pub though.

Thanks again