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To say it is the resident parent that gets held over a barrel not the non resident parent

(22 Posts)
whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 22:28:32

So, after ringing the csa to ask for an update on calculating what ds father should be paying in maintenance since he started work in January, I have been told again that it can take 28 days...I have been told this since January, most times have been because they needed more wage slips and the best one today was because the lady on the phone has been on annual leave, so even though the same person I spoke to today told me on the 7th march that she had all the info she needed it could still take 28 days because she has been on holiday!! She told me she had tried calling ds father bumerous times with no success to get a card payment. This is the same 'father' that has said to me for the past 5 weeks that he will ring csa to sort it out. Was ibu today telling this 'man' that actually what he could have done was pay me maintenance every fortnight because he is working and it would be the right thing to do for his ds, rather than pretend his not working, to the point of his dg answering the phone to me one early eve and telling me he was in bed, rather than be honest and saying he was working! And to point out to the 'father' that when I was choosing which universities to apply for I actually based my decisions on how far away our ds would be from his dad, so chose to stay close by. Maybe i should have taken his logic with hiw responsible he feels towards providing for his Ds and transferred that to how responsible i feel to making contact as easy as possible and just thought, not my responsibility! I'm at the point of thinking actually, if you don't want to support your ds then don't bother coming to pick him up to spend time with him....but then I would be hurting my ds so couldn't do this! So, really I am being held over a barrel aren't I? He knows I won't stop his time with our ds, so knows he can drag his feet with the csa.

Droflove Thu 20-Mar-14 22:32:57

Honestly, I think you hold most of the important cards and have him over the barrel rather than the other way round. But I can imagine how frustrating and infuriating this all is for you.

whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 22:41:38

I don't think I hold him over a barrel at all. In what way do you mean?

whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 22:44:08

If I'm working or my partner is working we provide what the dc need and what we can afford / within reason what they want. We don't lie and say actually we are not working so we don't have money for any of these things...

FudgefaceMcZ Thu 20-Mar-14 22:48:02

YANBU. I really think people who believe the nrps are 'hard done by' are delusional. They pay a tiny fraction of their share of the costs of a child, whinging all the while, and can come and go from the child's life as they choose, with no regard for wellbeing of the child or disruption when child picks up behavioural problems as a result of inconsistency, yet if you then say "fine, don't bother if you can't be reliable", you're seen as 'obstructive' and an evil mother who is trying to stop your child having a father. You have to do everything to facilitate things for the other parent, even to the point of making yourself ill, and they are then still allowed to bitch at you because you got takeaway or fed the kids sandwiches one evening when you were in pain and knackered to the point of inability to cook. This is my direct experience, so I know it to be true. Sadly no one gives a fuck.

whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 22:49:26

I feel I'm being held over a barrel because he knows I would never hinder or stop his relationship with his ds, yet it is me that has to tell our ds tomorrow that I can't afford for him to go on a £5 school trip. I obviously won't be telling my ds that I could afford the trip if his df paid maintenance and didn't have arrears of nearly £500 already accrued...but he can swan round at the weekend like the easy going df because he knows I would never say anything bad about him in front of our ds.

whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 22:56:20

Exactly fudge, it has got to the point in this country where the NPR can provide nothing for their children and as soon as the rp says if you aren't going to provide for ds then don't have access everyone shouts from the rooftops!

whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 22:57:05

I personally wouldn't say no contact over non main thence payments but I really can see why some parents do!

Blondieminx Thu 20-Mar-14 23:08:16

Have a word with your DS's teacher, there may well be a contingency fund for trips. Explain that you are not getting maintenance at the moment and that despite repeated calls, the CSA are being useless very slow.

Droflove Thu 20-Mar-14 23:08:24

OP, I just meant that you have more ability at any time to cause him stress and pain than he can you (making access difficult, being the main influence in your childs life, making the majority of key decisions about your child etc.). Not that you are choosing to do anything to cause him pain at all. Sounds like you are trying your best to include his needs in your decisions so far.

whydoibothersometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 23:16:13

Blond, thank you, I will ask the school tomorrow.
Dro, that was the main point of my op. the preconception is that I hold all the cards, in theory, because I put my ds first, it is in fact me being held over a barrel because his father knows I will put ds first and he is using that against me.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 20-Mar-14 23:38:11

It has nothing to do with whether you are rp or nr p.

The person who chooses to put their child first will always be held over a barrel by the one who doesn't.

IneedAwittierNickname Thu 20-Mar-14 23:44:28

It's similar in my house. Ex plays nothing, CSA say he should. He doesn't, they can't make him, blah blah.
And he knows full well I will always put my dc 1st and therefore don't stop contact, or bad mouth him. Even though he cancels on them at the drop.of a hat.

BillyBanter Thu 20-Mar-14 23:46:15

It can be either way depending on who decides to be awkward. There are men who pay maintenance yet their ex's deliberately stop contact.

Just saw that written better by mumof.

justmyview Thu 20-Mar-14 23:47:28

I think in this situation, children will eventually discover the truth & will love you all the more for doing the right thing

EverythingCounts Thu 20-Mar-14 23:48:44

OP, definitely ask the school about the trip. There must be people in your position who can't pay for good reason and they will quite possibly have workarounds.

Mumoftwokids has nailed it. The person who cares most will get shafted.

makemineapinot Thu 20-Mar-14 23:50:40

Yep, totally agree. Been there and it's shit at times, but as I knew ex h was working I somehow accidentally dialled the inland revenue rather than the csa when I was told he wasn't working AND wasn't claiming. As I knew he wouldn't be living on fresh air, I knew he was either working officially it getting dash in hand. Well.... Best thing I ever did, I had over £3,000 payments within 2 months from I R and the court - all taken from him for arrears and outstanding court orders!!! But yeah get dud have the upper hand, but tide gas turned now dc are older x

AcrossthePond55 Fri 21-Mar-14 00:03:13

OP, you and some of the PPs sound so much like my BFF almost 20 years ago! Some things just never change, do they? And it seems that it's the same on either side of the Pond, too. Her X paid very little in support, and only when Enforcement could manage to find him. And whenever they did, he'd up and quit his job, cutting off his nose to spite his face, rather than pay support for his own child! That's what amazes me, that these jerks rave on about their 'rights' but don't think they should have to support their own children! And I can't count the number of times she spent wiping her son's tears when his father would call him with 'big plans' (ball games! amusement parks! camp outs!) and then just not bother to show up. I can still see him sitting on her front steps, refusing to come in until it finally got dark because 'Daddy will get here, he's just late'. Bastard! Yet she never said a bad word about him to her son. She carried on bravely as best as she could, financially. I don't know how she did it. She said it was because she knew that in the end, her son would know who really raised him, and who didn't. He's a fine young man, recently married, who treats her like a queen. His father? Well, he started showing up when his son was older, thinking to be 'his best mate'. All he got for his trouble was a few hard words and a big 'spit in his eye'!

Don't give up, ladies. Fight for support, it is your children's right. But remember that your children will know you were fighting FOR them, not against them (like their deadbeat dads).

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 21-Mar-14 00:14:17

It's quite correct that who ever cares the most when the other person does not get the raw end. Unfortunately its easier if your a NRP with stuff like maintenance and you can't force a NRP to have contact.

gabcat Fri 21-Mar-14 07:14:25

OP I feel your pain ! as a RP if I didn't provide for my son SS would remove him from my care but his NRP father doesn't provide and gets all the benefits of seeing him when he chooses and swans around acting like he's bloody dad of the year because he buys him some sweets and a happy meal ! really boils my piss! angry

WooWooOwl Fri 21-Mar-14 08:12:53

It can work both ways. Both parents can hold the other over a barrel, it just depends on the individual relationship who actually does, There are plenty of examples of both RPs and NRPs doing it. Either way it's a sad situation for the child involved.

bochead Fri 21-Mar-14 08:59:44

As a resident parent if you don't provide for your childs basic needs you can quite rightly be prosecuted and face criminal charges.

If the NRP chooses not to pay maintenance he faces no sanctions at all! maintenance covers basic stuff like food, ensuring a roof over the child's head it shouldn't be optional.

The child who gets no maintenance suffers a direct deterioration in their quality of life as a result. The parent that willfully neglects their child in this way should be imprisoned, in the same way they are in some states of the US. In the US cultural attitudes to child maintenance are much more sensible - and socially the term "dead beat Dad" has come to mean something.

Here men are lauded for fathering multiple kids by multiple women and then failing to ensure their basic needs are met. Cecil Parkinson was even able to legally gag the mother and his child with a legal order to prevent them complaining. This demonstrates that it's OK at all levels of society, not just amongst "shameless set".

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