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To not want to be alone?

(20 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Thu 20-Mar-14 12:44:50

My stupid husband left me for the OW on NYE. I know I'm not over it at all but I'm so fed up of leading this single lifestyle.
I have two DC (3 and 1) and have been with my husband since I was 13 (now 24). He's all I've ever known, I've never been on my own and I just want someone to sit with and talk to, make dinner for and help me with the children. I want someone to share interests with and watch tv with.
I hate being alone but don't really know what to do. I know I can't move on from my husband because I know in my heart I still love him and I'm just waiting for him to come through the door but he isn't going to.
All my family and friends seem to think I'm alright but I'm not, I'm still brooding over what happened (I caught him in my bed with her, believed his lies when he told me she was just a friend etc). They seem to think that finding someone else is a bad idea which it probably is but I hate being alone!
What can I do? Is it so wrong to want to have someone?? How did you all meet your DP/DHs?

Of course you're not all right yet, it's still really early days for you and you are bound to still be brooding over it all.

I have no constructive advice for you as am not in your situation but I think before getting into another relationship you need to take time out for you, to lick your wounds, to concentrate on your well being and your childrens well being.

Even if he was to come through the door again.......would you really want him back anyway.

Try and start to love your own company, see your friends, and just enjoy living for you.

gordyslovesheep Thu 20-Mar-14 12:52:08

my advice would be learn how to BE alone - you are still in shock/survival mode

Learning to enjoy being alone, to have a big gang of mates and find that you don't NEED a man to complete you puts you in a much stronger position for your next relationship

if you rush straight into another one due to not wanting to be alone you will be needy and vulnerable - which is not good for you or the kids

Get strong, find pleasure in being with yourself and your friends - then see how you feel

I speak from experience btw x

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 13:20:12

Break down what you're talking about a bit more. How much of what you want actually has to be with someone you're in a committed sexual relationship with? You're not having sex while watching TV, cooking dinner, chatting about things.

You're lonely. And that's ok. You're bound to be after what's happened. You've had a cruel rejection and betrayal.

But there are lots of ways to relieve loneliness that will be far healthier than another relationship right now. Try concentrating on friendships and interests. Build that social circle up as much as you can.

Other single parents are great for this. In my DC's younger days, I'd have a friend come over with her DC (or me to her house) with a bottle of wine or two - readymade playdates for the DCs, followed by adult company and a laugh once they're all in bed. It can require a fairly relaxed approach to sleeping arrangements with children topping and tailing/sleeping on the floor, etc, but really opens up your support network.

There is a large element of luck involved in having a good relationship. Some wonderfully well-balanced people simply never manage to meet a good match, whereas others may walk straight out of a bad relationship and meet the person of their dreams. However, in most cases the combination of being newly single following a horrible betrayal and desperately lonely makes you very, very vulnerable to the worst kind of manipulators, predators and players.

KellyElly Thu 20-Mar-14 13:23:20

You need to learn to be alone and find your own happiness before you're ready to be with anyone again or you risk having co-dependent relationships or putting up with a destructive relationship because you are scared to be on your own. It's really early days OP, you need to give it time and focus on your kids and healing yourself before you jump headfirst into another relationship.

EverythingsDozy Thu 20-Mar-14 13:43:59

I know what you're all saying makes so much sense.
I want him to know that I don't need him too. He's all happy in this horrid little relationship, he's flaunted it in my face by changing his Facebook profile to 'in a relationship' with her and he's been seen with her in my home town, he isn't even from around here, he moved here to be with me. Without me he wouldn't even know her, he wouldn't have been working with her because I encouraged him to apply for the job he's in where he met her.
I can't believe he picked her over me and his two children. Do I not deserve someone like he's got?

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 13:56:25

No one deserves a relationship. They're something most of us naturally aspire to but they don't come with guarantees and their success is as much a reflection of luck as it is effort. They're certainly no reflection of how lovely any individual is because there are two people involved, one of whom can be a complete and utter shit no matter how lovely their partner.

Realistically speaking, the odds of your STBXH having a long and happy relationship with this woman are somewhat slim. Sometimes people fall out of love with their partners and in love with someone else. It happens and doesn't make them a bad person. However, lying, cheating, lack of respect (sleeping with her in your marital bed) do point at some major character flaws, and as such this relationship is likely to fail as well.

But even if it doesn't, it won't make you feel any better. The best revenge is a life well lived. The best way to achieve that is to look on yourself as a project. Start by building up your own life. But in the meantime find ways to release your anger and resentment; it's an important part of the healing process. Venting on here is a good start but physical exercise, even if it's just stomping round on a dog walk (worked for me), is also very helpful.

KellyElly Thu 20-Mar-14 14:00:47

Do I not deserve someone like he's got? No, you deserve to be happy and you have to find that within yourself. Only YOU can make yourself happy, not another partner.

Just because he is flaunting it all over fb does not mean he is happy..for all you know he could be miserable but trying to convince the rest of the world he is happy.

Forget about how he feels though and concentrate on how you feel. The best revenge would be to go on and live a happy life without him........he will do the same to this one eventually, he won't be able to help himself. And who knows, regarding the other woman, who is to say she wants him full time anyway - maybe he was more appealing when he was forbidden fruit.

You've had a lucky escape, you are young enough to pick yourself up and start again, imagine how you would feel if he had done this when you were in your 50's or 60's.

Be responsible for your own happiness in life, don't look for anyone else to do that, it will just be a disappointment.

MizTiggle Thu 20-Mar-14 14:06:02

I doubt his relationship will last. Who wants to be with somebody who cheats. Fuck both of them! I know it's hard to see now, but everything will be fine soon. I struggled with loneliness when I was newly single parent, now I think I'd struggle to have anyone live me again! I'm such good company to me grin All will be good one day!

FeliciaDoolittle Thu 20-Mar-14 14:11:40

I say this as someone who has been there. You absolutely need to steer clear of any romantic involvement while you're still so raw. You need to grieve for the relationship you had and you need to let yourself come to terms with the fact that it's over. I won't pretend it's easy, but if you want a future relationship to have a chance of lasting then you need to purge yourself of this one.

Yes, everyone deserves to be happy. And you will be. It just takes time and patience.

Friends are what you need now. Friends who you can run to on bad days (and who will, for example, let their dinner burn to a crisp while they give you the biggest cuddle they can as you sob your heart out - long story).

It's ok to be lonely. It's ok to be resentful. It's ok to be whatever you are. But if you don't let it go, it will eat you up. Learn to be alone rather than lonely. They are two very different things.

FeliciaDoolittle Thu 20-Mar-14 14:12:13

Oh, and block him on Facebook.

EverythingsDozy Thu 20-Mar-14 14:32:15

I have gone no contact with him. Every time he does talk to me he says nasty things like how he's cancelled the tv package and how he wants the phone back that he bought me for Christmas (he bought me a new two year iPhone contract 11 days before I caught him). I think he's saying these things because I have spoken to child maintenance options and he's annoyed that he has to pay for the children's upkeep.

He sees them every other weekend as his parents pick them up and take them to their house. He hasn't moved in with the OW as she still lives with her parents (she's only 20 and still in uni). I'm not sure where he's staying. His parents are fed up with coming all the way here every other weekend and want me to start talking to him but I'm not ready for that. How can I tell his parents I'm not ready to sit down and talk to him because every time I see his face it hurts. I have had to take down all of our family pictures.

Everybody has offered such good advice but I still feel like I'm stuck in limbo and just can't get out. I don't feel like I can move on, I need help to get over him. What on earth can I do to stop myself feeling so lousy??

Scarletohello Thu 20-Mar-14 14:40:04

Sweetheart the sad fact is that it just takes time. You have suffered a horrible betrayal and part of what you are grieving is the loss of a future you will now never have. It takes time to accept that and to rebuild your life for you and your children. You're not to blame that you are in this situation but life sometimes deals these blows. All I can say is to be good to yourself, rely on friends and work on envisaging the kind of life you want for yourself. It's not easy and there are no short cuts but it will get better in time. It's still early days but believe that you can still have a great life even though its not the one you thought you would have.

FeliciaDoolittle Thu 20-Mar-14 14:42:25

There are two things you need. The first is time. It's a cliche, I know. But honestly and truly, it WILL get better. You're only a few months down the line. Round about that time, I got so low that I was signed off work for a month. That actually gave me a short sharp shock and made me realise I had to look after myself. Which, again, isn't easy. But it's necessary.

The second thing you need is an elastic band on your wrist. Any time you think of him, start thinking about how this wasn't the plan, this wasn't supposed to happen, it's not fair, all that kind of stuff - snap it. Hard. You'll find your train of thought changes and you won't wallow so much. (Disclaimer: I think this is related to some form of CBT, but I don't know much about that. It was a suggestion from a friend of mine. But it worked for me.)

Scarletohello Thu 20-Mar-14 14:42:59

I would also highly recommend this book, I found it really helpful.

laregina Thu 20-Mar-14 14:46:33

OP I don't really have any magic advice but I wanted to say that I really feel for you and that I agree with what others have said. You have been horribly betrayed and it will take time to get over that - and while it could be tempting to jump into another relationship, the best thing for you and for your DC is to take your time to get over what has happened and concentrate on building a secure, happy family unit of three.

I know that's easier said than done, but if nothing else, see it as paving the way to making sure your next relationship is a better one. Because once you are at a point where you have moved on and are happy with your own company and your own space, a relationship started from that point will be on your own terms and much more likely to last smile.

Concentrate on building friendships with as many people as you can, and on maintaining the friendships you already have - friends are definitely what you need right now smile.

EverythingsDozy Thu 20-Mar-14 17:25:29

I have ordered myself a copy of that book. I really want to get by without him, I don't want to want him. I guess that's a step forward? If he came back I would want to say no but probably wouldn't.

EverythingsDozy Thu 20-Mar-14 17:46:08

Also, whilst I have a thread, when do I let him introduce our children to the OW?? My first opinion was over my dead body but I guess it's going to happen sooner or later. sad

amicissimma Thu 20-Mar-14 18:11:38

You've lost the person you thought he was (he wasn't, but you didn't know).
You've lost the future you pictured.
You've lost your best friend.
You've lost a companion.
You've lost a sexual partner.
You've lost your children's live-in dad.

You're grieving. Of course you are. You've lost a lot. You're also angry that it's all been snatched away. Also natural. Don't be hard on yourself. You're human. You're reacting to a horrible situation. It's awful to feel so lousy, but it is part of the human condition. It's the appropriate downside to giving yourself into a relationship with another person. Still hurts like hell, though, but it will get better.

Problem is, you are also vulnerable. Unfortunately there are people out there who will spot that and take advantage. They will not replace what you've lost but they can make you feel even worse. Yes, that is possible!

I'm sorry that you feel so bad. It will pass. Try not to dwell on him and the OW - they are not important. You are important. Try to find out who you are: you, not you-as-part-of-a-couple. It sounds as if you have never been yourself as a single adult. What do you like doing? What are you good at? Can someone look after your DCs while you go out - with friends, or to the cinema (go alone, I dare you!), theatre, to do a hobby? Do you work? If you spend time with people during the day (specially annoying strangers, eg in a customer-facing job), you may be relieved to shut the door on your home and children only. Look at yourself as a brave warrior, struggling against the world, never as the victim of a twit. You made a mistake; you were fooled. That's all. It happens to everyone.

To answer your question, I met my DH when I was looking the other way. Seriously, I was involved with my friends and he joined the group and we just all had fun together during my not-looking-for-a-relationship times.

"Do I not deserve someone like he's got?" No, no, no absolutely not! You deserve a loving, supportive, loyal (sexy) partner who values you for who you are and makes you feel great about yourself. You need to be someone to be valued and you need to know you are valuable. You are; you just feel rubbish - quite reasonably - now.

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