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Do I send a condolence card?

(38 Posts)
solitudehappiness Thu 20-Mar-14 12:09:45

Neighbours who've tormented and been absolutely hideous to us for years. The man has just died of cancer, in the last day or so. Do I send a condolence card to the woman who absolutely hates me. She's written awful letters to our landlord, stolen things from us etc.
Do I rise above it and be the better person and send a condolence card? I really don't know what to do. Would appreciate some thoughts please.

sweetheart Thu 20-Mar-14 12:12:19

I wouldn't if I were you - no matter what motivates you to send it it will not be received well by the sounds of it.

AlpacaPicnic Thu 20-Mar-14 12:12:37

Personally, I wouldn't. She might view it as sarcastic. But if you happen to bump into her, I would say it in person.

WorraLiberty Thu 20-Mar-14 12:13:01

No I wouldn't just in case she takes it the wrong way.

If a neighbour does a collection for flowers, I'd put a few quid into that.

MomOfTwoGirls2 Thu 20-Mar-14 12:13:35

No, I wouldn't. But I would say it in person if you bump into her.

AutumnStar Thu 20-Mar-14 12:14:12

I wouldn't. Sounds harsh but being dead doesn't absolve him of being awful.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 20-Mar-14 12:16:13

No, he was hideous to you - just because he is dead does not delete all the shit he gave you. Just keep a dignified silence. Just because people die it does not make them suddenly nice - he sounds like he was an arsehole.

Beanymonster Thu 20-Mar-14 12:17:06

I wouldn't, mainly because I've never sent a condolence card, but if you bump into her id do a 'sorry for your loss'

007licencetospill Thu 20-Mar-14 12:51:51

Just leave some flowers anonymously on her door step.

formerbabe Thu 20-Mar-14 12:53:38

Don't! If she's that unreasonable, she may think you are taking the mick or goading her.

SparklySocks Thu 20-Mar-14 13:21:59

Definitely not.

Caitlin17 Thu 20-Mar-14 14:22:48

No card. Express condolences if you meet. I did also wonder about anonymous flowers. You can't be accused of anything goady. Or if you're a particularly nice person a plain card offering help if needed but not actually expressing condolences.

PurpleRayne Thu 20-Mar-14 14:46:42


Sirzy Thu 20-Mar-14 14:52:23

If you see her say something along the lines of "dispite the history I am sorry for your loss" or something else sincere, even sent with good intentions a card could be misconstrued and agrevate things especially given she probably won't be in a good frame of mind

laregina Thu 20-Mar-14 14:54:32

I would keep out of it TBH.

Ecclefechan Thu 20-Mar-14 14:55:52

Another vote for not sending card.

SometimesLonely Thu 20-Mar-14 14:56:07

I would ignore the whole thing. Been there .....

How did you find out that he'd had cancer and subsequently sided? Another neighbour? <just wondering>

SometimesLonely Thu 20-Mar-14 14:56:26

*subsequently died. Sorry.

BadgersRetreat Thu 20-Mar-14 14:59:27

No I'd stay well away if i were you.

solitudehappiness Thu 20-Mar-14 15:55:33

Its interesting that every message says no to sending a card. I don't feel so bad or that I should send one now!
One of my neighbours told me a week or so ago that he was riddled with cancer. Another neighbour told me today that he had died. The neighbour that told me today was going to send a card. But, she spoke to me a bit later on and said she remembered how the neighbours had try to break into her daughters car, dropped stink bombs when her grandchildren played outside, and were generally not very pleasant.
I don't wish badness on anyone.

I remember my son's tears when his bike was stolen. And the anger I felt seeing my neighbour pay local teenagers for taking our bikes, and collecting his bolt cutters back from them.
Like one of the messages said, just because he died doesn't suddenly make him nice.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Thu 20-Mar-14 16:00:33

I wouldn't tbh.

OddBoots Thu 20-Mar-14 16:04:17

Don't. However well intentioned it may well read as passive-aggressive and cause more problems.

puntasticusername Thu 20-Mar-14 16:16:51

He paid someone to steal your bikes?! That's fucking awful!

I was going to say you should send a card, because no matter how awful he was in life, it costs you nothing to be a tiny bit gracious to him and his family in death. But as others have said, don't do it if you think there's a big risk that your gesture might be misinterpreted, or if it would cause more trouble or pain to you or anyone else in the long run.

Maybe make a donation to a cancer charity in his name?

Hey, here's an idea, take all your makeup off and put a selfie on Facebook and get all your mates to do the same... grin

Methe Thu 20-Mar-14 16:20:24

Definitely not.

Dubjackeen Thu 20-Mar-14 16:24:11

Another 'No' here.

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