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to not be ogled in a feeding room

(219 Posts)
spinnergeologist Thu 20-Mar-14 03:09:10


I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

mumminio Thu 20-Mar-14 04:20:27

YNBU I feel so sorry for the other lady, you were very generous to let the ogler stay. Hopefully the man was just vacantly staring due to sleep deprivation. Unlikely. Yuck.

Brabra Thu 20-Mar-14 04:34:00

Ogled? Really?

zippey Thu 20-Mar-14 05:53:46

Well, you don't really know what the other person was thinking so ogling in a leery way, or not. Who knows?

Also it is difficult sometimes to not look when something different to the norm is happening.

NoNoNoNoNoYabu Thu 20-Mar-14 05:58:36

Yanbu, but I cant help wonder if he was zoned out with exhaustion, or staring to see how it works when it is right, or wondering how old your baby was and how far away it feels to his newborn.

but in your shoes I would have felt v uncomfortable. I wonder whether striking up a small conversation would have shaken him out of it?

fruitloop84 Thu 20-Mar-14 06:09:31

Was his partner breastfeeding?

ImATotJeSuisUneTot Thu 20-Mar-14 06:27:25

I agree that the ogling could very well have been 'zoned out'. But that doesn't mean you should feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps, "you're staring" with a broad smile would have shook him out of it. And if it was ogling you'd have alerted his wife to it and she could have yelled at him for it. grin

monkeysox Thu 20-Mar-14 06:28:49

Unfortunately some people have never seen anyone bfing, I hadn't until I was in my twenties

WinterHasRuinedMyFace Thu 20-Mar-14 06:37:18

I quickly found I was more uncomfortable being in such close proximity to strange men (as in men I don't know, as opposed to actually strange!) in an enclosed space than I was just feeding in a cafe, so I did give up on the mother and baby rooms. Our mothercare and john Lewis both have separate breastfeeding rooms, I would have been a bit annoyed to find a man in there.

PollyIndia Thu 20-Mar-14 06:52:27

I was once ogled at Westfield Stratford while breastfeeding by a guy who stood alone by the door saying hi to me. I told him to go away. He was definitely being weird.
YANBU to expect him not to stare at you and to expect him to help his partner more. It is uncomfortable when people stare at you whatever you are doing!

Brittabot Thu 20-Mar-14 07:07:11

Zippey surely seeing a woman breast feeding is the norm in a feeding room!

Are you sure he was ogling? There's not exactly much to see usually?

Yonineedaminute Thu 20-Mar-14 07:13:35

What was his partner doing? Breast or bottle feeding? I don't think he was exactly 'ogling'.

LettertoHermioneGranger Thu 20-Mar-14 07:19:33

Maybe he was staring vacantly, maybe he was genuinely trying to figure out how you were doing it as his wife was struggling!

I understand that you were uncomfortable, but I think you should have spoken up. If he was ogling, he was rude and inappropriate and he deserved to be told off. If he was staring vacantly, saying something would have snapped him out of it, and if he had questions maybe you could have offered something helpful to he and his wife. But I totally get that it's hard to speak up in the moment and you may have been feeling a bit vulnerable, what with having your tit out and all.

brokenhearted55a Thu 20-Mar-14 07:21:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe Thu 20-Mar-14 07:21:41

How weird...I can't even see why he needs to be in dh wouldn't go into a feeding room if I paid him!

KoalaFace Thu 20-Mar-14 07:40:16

How can any of you "doubt" what OP is saying? You were not there, you don't know OP or the man she described. Why would you start doubting her?

More of the culture of women being expected to just shut up and ignore situations that make them uncomfortable?

VoyageDeVerity Thu 20-Mar-14 07:45:37

That is disgusting. Why on earth didn't you say something?

whyyougottabe Thu 20-Mar-14 07:48:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 20-Mar-14 07:51:20

Stop wingeing. You are mistaken about that man staring at you/ or: You should be grateful that a man was looking at you wink

Melonbreath Thu 20-Mar-14 08:04:20

My dh stares at breastfeeders. He isn't actually staring at the lady. He's staring at the comfort and happiness the baby gets. He says it looks snuggly and loving. Slightly weird? Yes. But harmless. I have had to apologise as dh beams blissfully at ladies feeding. I hate doing it, I fail to see how breastfeeders should become invisible and I actually think dh's attitude is right, if misunderstood.
When I was feeding dd he would peer over my shoulder and watch her peacefully latched on and cuddled in and look ever so slightly envious.

RachelWatts Thu 20-Mar-14 08:10:01

I was ogled while BFing my hours old DS1 on the hospital ward after giving birth. H
DH was faffing about with his coat instead of closing the curtain as I'd asked, when I noticed the partner of the woman in the bed opposite leaning at a really unnatural angle, trying to see around the partially drawn curtain.

I shouted to my DH, several times, to close the curtain, getting the "yes dear I'll do it once I've finished this" response until I yelled, quite loudly, that a man was staring at me. I may have sworn also. DH shut the curtain!

SybilRamkin Thu 20-Mar-14 08:12:56

Melon - you're right that breastfeeders shouldn't be invisible, but actively staring is very rude and would make most women uncomfortable. Tell your DH to stop, it's not acceptable behaviour.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 20-Mar-14 08:16:01

Poor old British Man.

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

Was he actively dribbling OP?

It is bad you felt uncomfortable, but unless you are only going to breastfeed inside your portable tent for the foreseeable future, you are going to have to get used to doing it in the presence of people who are, in all probability, not gazing adoringly at your baps.

pixiepotter Thu 20-Mar-14 08:17:37

You said yourself there was nothing to see, so what makes you think he was ogling.
I am guessing he was sitting next to his wife and you were in his line of sight , rather than craning his neck to stare.

ShadowFall Thu 20-Mar-14 08:32:10

He sounds rude.

I don't really buy the "staring vacantly" argument either.
In a feeding room, a woman holding a baby to her chest is almost certainly going to be breastfeeding. Anyone with any sense would realise that and direct their gaze elsewhere.

It's not like out and about elsewhere where it's just as likely for a baby in that position to be having a cuddle or sleeping against their mother. If the OP had been in a cafe or other more public space then the staring vacantly argument would be far more plausible.

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