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AIBU to be upset?

(14 Posts)
OscarandTimmy Wed 19-Mar-14 21:50:26

My son was born Jan 2013, and I had to move an hour away from my hometown to join my partner. He has a building business so it would not be financially viable for him into my house, as the cost of travelling everyday would have been too much.

My mum was very excited throughout my pregnancy and said she could not wait to be a grandma (first grandchild).

I visit my family at least once a week and because I don't drive, I have to get the train which costs me £20+ a time with train and bus fares.

Since my son has born, my mum has visited me twice. No other family members have visited me at all. I explained to her that I was feeling a bit isolated as I did not always have the money to jump on the train. She does not work and her partner has a good job, so they have access to a lot more disposable income than we do. I must add she is 43, with no health issues.

She arranged to come to visit us for the weekend, but arranged to stay in a B&B as she has two dogs and there is not enough room at our house. During this weekend, she visited me and my son for one hour each of the two days and spent the rest of the time with her boyfriend and dogs seeing the sights.

I get that I live an hour away, and she also has anxiety issues but she is often going for weekends away, and visiting her partner's family who live 3 hours away. She also recently travelled 3 hours to pick up a new puppy. Does anxiety work like that? That you can visit various places but not others? Sorry for my ignorance, genuine question. She has no issues with the town that I live in as far as I know.

I get that she can spend her time how she wishes, but am I being unreasonable to feel a little bit upset? I guess what upsets me the most is that my partner's mum died while I was pregnant, and missed out on the chance to meet her precious grandchild (she was very excited) and my own mum does not seem to make much of an effort.

When I tell my mum how I am feeling, she just says it's not her fault I chose to move 1 hour away.

WorraLiberty Wed 19-Mar-14 21:55:26

YANBU to feel upset

Unless there's a reason she's not telling you, it is a bit odd.

Does she get on ok with your DP?

I have to say, an hour's commute to work is fairly normal though so I'm not sure why your DP saw that as a reason not to move in with you.

Although I appreciate that's not really the issue here.

mymiraclebubba Wed 19-Mar-14 21:55:27

Yanbu!! My mum lives 6 miles away and has been to my house exactly 3 times since dd was born and non of myother ffamily have been at all!

Unfortunately you can't make them come, but I suggest ignoring her and getting out to baby groups etc to meet other mums and making friends. Once she realises that you aren't always going to go to her she might start making an effort (don't hold your breath mind, mine will visit my sister who lives 100 miles away without a thought!!)

OscarandTimmy Wed 19-Mar-14 22:02:31

He has a large van which when full is very expensive on petrol (£20 there and back) so over 5 days this would be £100 not including small journeys to get materials etc. It is only a small business, so we only have enough to get by at the moment. No way could we afford an extra £100 a month, when all his customers are in his home town. We looked at every way, as I did not want to move but unfortunately I had to, if I wanted to live as a family.

I have recently been getting out to baby groups, and I have been feeling a little better and slowly forming a new social circle.

She also gets on well with my partner and always welcomes him when we go to hers, although she does make jokes about how she can't wait to get rid of us as 'my son is taking over the house'

I guess she just likes things a certain way, and likes to spend her time how she wishes. It's just hard not to be sad about it.

OscarandTimmy Wed 19-Mar-14 22:03:11

£100 a week sorry, not month!

grovel Wed 19-Mar-14 22:18:32

My (lovely) MiL only wanted so much to do with our baby DS. She clearly adored him but she had moved on from baby/toddler times. She regularly sent me £200 so that DH and I could have a night out, pay for taxis and a babysitter. She just didn't relish a night out looking after a baby/toddler. I came to understand that. It's tough but some people simply don't want to "do" children twice. Actually it worked out well. We saw my PiLs often but for a limited time on each occasion. Never stressed at all.

WestieMamma Wed 19-Mar-14 22:32:15

YANBU to be sad about it, but there's not a lot you can do really. Personally I don't understand parents like this. When my DD lived an hour away I visited at least once a fortnight. Soon she'll be 4 hours away so it'll be once every couple of months only sad .

OscarandTimmy Wed 19-Mar-14 22:36:50

There isn't a lot I can do about it, you are right, I guess I just needed to vent. I understand that some people don't want to do babies twice, but an occasional a visit to me, an adult would sometimes be nice too.

deakymom Wed 19-Mar-14 23:58:03

stop visiting so much she will miss you and make an effort x

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 20-Mar-14 05:24:20

And yes, it would seem anxiety often does work like that. hmm
It also sometimes operates on a 9-5 mon- fri basis ime.
Your mum is the same age as me. My dcs are only 1&3 (very old mum) but I can't imagine not making the effort for them when they're older.
There's a common feeling it would seem (on MN anyway) that once ppl have raised their dcs to adulthood they can't be expected to be around any of those pesky babies any more. I think some parents believe their "job is done" when you leave home. I had thought it was more my baby boomer parents generation (almost no gp involvement here) but it's clearly just an individual thing.
do you like it where you are? Is your DP good?
Aren't one year olds gorgeous (and exhausting)?

Booboostoo Thu 20-Mar-14 06:28:06

You can't help how you feel, but you are a bit unreasonable. From what you say you visit every week and she has not reciprocated to the same extent. I think your mum clearly has her own life to lead and perhaps you are feeling this more because you are in a new area with fewer friends and contacts. Making new friends where you are is probably a better solution for you than expecting your mum to visit more often. Then you may find that you don't need to visit her once a week either and you can get on with your life as well.

bigwellylittlewelly Thu 20-Mar-14 06:35:57

We based where we live on the commute for my DH and to be close to our families. We have two children, one with additional needs. We've perhaps had five visits in two years.

its very upsetting. Especially asymy commute with the DC takes just under an hour on a bad day.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 20-Mar-14 06:38:01

And yes, I would visit less frequently to avoid the stress and potential resentment. Maybe she would visit more often if you went there less frequently?

SometimesLonely Thu 20-Mar-14 09:12:45

My first idea was to wonder why you had to move an hour away from your hometown. You chose to do that so had to take the consequences. Other posters have been kinder so I'll agree with them and suggest that you visit your hometown less frequently. It does happen. When I married, we moved 50 miles away because houses were cheaper in the new place, had children and visited 'home' every week because my now XH's sports team played there every week. As time went on, we had made new lives in our new place of abode so visited less frequently. It caused no ructions.

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