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To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

(382 Posts)
MrsRGervais Wed 19-Mar-14 16:49:27

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

MyNameIsKenAdams Wed 19-Mar-14 16:51:30

Tbh if he still lives at home and/or DH is inviting him on this, a family holiday, then I dont see why he should be expected to pay. It would be nice if he offered but unnecessary.

if you and dh were going away with the younger dcs and the elder dcs asked of they could come along, then a contribution would be decent in this case.

whitepuddingsupper Wed 19-Mar-14 16:52:56

It depends on the 20 year old's circumstances, is he working or still in education?

Technical Wed 19-Mar-14 16:54:38

Is ge coming because he wants to or because dh has invited hIm?

Would you have expected to pay to accompany your parents at the same age?

Can you imagine charging your own dc to come on holiday with you?

5Foot5 Wed 19-Mar-14 16:57:46

My eldest is 18 and still at school. I would not expect a contribution from her towards a family holiday.

In two years time I would expect she will be still at Uni. If she wanted to join us on a family holiday I would still not expect her to contribute.

Maybe when she is working and earning a decent salary (if she still wanted to come with us) then that would be different.

You don't say what your DSS financial circumstances are.

MrsRGervais Wed 19-Mar-14 16:59:05

He doesn't do much of anything (through his own choice). His mum has paid for his driving lessons, a full years car insurance and a car and he doesn't seem to see any urgency in earning his own money. It's frustrating, at that age there is no way my parents would have paid for me to go on holiday.
So ok, if I'm being unreasonable fair enough but should I not even suggest he brings his own spending money?? My kids will be taking their own spending money! Last time dh took dss1 away he didn't take a penny and was continuously asking for money for drinks and food, cost him a fortune.

5Foot5 Wed 19-Mar-14 16:59:18

I notice you mention the 18 yo having SN. Have you posted before under a different user name about your disgruntlement about your DH and his sons?

(Apologies if I am mixing you up with someone else)

Sparklysilversequins Wed 19-Mar-14 16:59:50

Would you say the same if it were your own child?

Tbh if I were your DH and you started whining about this I'd be tempted to ditch YOU and go on my own with my dc.

MamaPain Wed 19-Mar-14 17:00:15

Depends on the 20 year olds circumstances, plus the fact that he is being invited.

They aren't some random adults but your children, I can understand your DH's point of view.

However I do not think it would be unreasonable to tell him to bring some spending money with him.

Hulababy Wed 19-Mar-14 17:01:15

Why is he coming - did he ask to go, or was he invited?
Does he still live at home?
Is he financial independent or not?
Does he have a job with a proper income?

I can't imagine asking DD to pay her way if she holidays with us at that age - but she is most likely going to be still supported by us at tht age, at university, for example.

Pooka Wed 19-Mar-14 17:01:17

Yes he should bring spending money.

MyNameIsKenAdams Wed 19-Mar-14 17:01:27

Would you make your littlies use their spending mo ey for food and drink?

Amandine29 Wed 19-Mar-14 17:01:32

I would never expect my kids to pay to come on holidays with us. At 20 I would just be grateful he still wants to come. If I couldn't afford to pay for them then I would book a cheaper holiday.

scrufhead Wed 19-Mar-14 17:02:15

I started paying when I was 18 for any family holidays that I wanted to be included in... i think he needs to grow up by the sounds of it.

MamaPain Wed 19-Mar-14 17:06:04

You haven't actually said what his circumstances are. You've said lots of things are paid for him by his mum, thats her choice. Does he have a job? Is he in education? Does he just do nothing? Is he on the dole?

Pooka Wed 19-Mar-14 17:06:20

And by spending money, I don't mean to pay for his own food or drink really, but for extras that you wouldn't expect your own dcs to pay for.

Fwiw I am 40 and in the last 10 years we've had a few holidays with my father and stepmother. We get ourselves there and pay for a fair proportion of meals and shopping. (Self catering ) but my father refuses any contribution towards the cost of the accommodation. He wouldn't have expected us to pay at 20 (not least because I was in full time education and didn't really have any spare money). We now have our own family, house and jobs. So of course we pay. But nowadays I really increasingly think that 20 isn't fully adult. Things have changed.

flipchart Wed 19-Mar-14 17:06:25

My DS is 18, next year when he is 19 I am planning a trip to the Catskills which will cost ££££££'s and a trip to Canada mountain biking for a fortnight again that will be a hugely expensive trip. I am not asking for a penny from him.

On our skiing trip this year he did pay for a family meal which came to about 150 euros. I was more than happy with that.
I am certainly happy to pay for him for at least one family holiday for the foreseeable future.

WestieMamma Wed 19-Mar-14 17:06:55

My 20 year old DD still comes on holiday with us at our expense. I wouldn't dream of making her pay towards it. I would be really cross if DH tried to (but he wouldn't).

Technical Wed 19-Mar-14 17:07:35

I agree with Sparkle, this post could only have come from a step-parent

If DSS is asking for things constantly, DH could say no. I'd be thrilled my 20yo wanted to come and I would pay but I would say yes to only some of the spending requests, just as I did when he was a child -'assuming he hasn't learned to moderate those requests.

What would happen if DSS won't/cant pay? Would you really expect that he wouldn't go?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 19-Mar-14 17:09:37

Go half board then he can get his own drinks and snacks.

It would wind me up too - but then I wouldn't be giving holidays to a 20 year old who does fuck all out of choice - if he was at uni and I could afford it then fine but an adult who does nothing - no way

bonkersLFDT20 Wed 19-Mar-14 17:09:53

So, if he doesn't do anything, I doubt he actually has any money, does he?
In which case, he can't pay.

It sounds like this is more than just being about the holiday, but more that you feel he is freeloading in general.

WaitMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 17:12:49

I would never have wanted to go on holiday with my parents at 20.

PoshPenny Wed 19-Mar-14 17:13:13

I think you're being unreasonable

Bowlersarm Wed 19-Mar-14 17:13:55

No, I wouldn't expect my 20 year old to contribute.

Although some of his own spending money would be good.

winklewoman Wed 19-Mar-14 17:14:49

We pay for a family holiday each year in the summer for as many of our family as want to come. Last year there were two adult DSs plus a DP, one adult DGs and two small DGCs. Not cheap, but lovely to be somewhere beautiful with the people we love best. This year one DSwill be going to his DP's home country, and adult DGS to Spain with his GF, so only three adults and two kids. We also took DSs and adult DGS skiing in January, the idea was we would pay for DGS, adult half each. But of of course we relented and paid the lot. If we can afford it, we will do it even though DSs are 41 and 42 as that is what families are for regardless of age.

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