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To be upset that I am clearly not as important to any of my friends as they are to me?

(43 Posts)
peedoffarama Wed 19-Mar-14 15:32:08

I've namechanged as I've ranted about this to someone this morning so may identify myself...

Basically I consider myself a good friend to people; I have quite a few people that I would consider to be my 'good' friends, and I am always there for them.

However it's apparent to me that to most of my friends I am just 'there' and that they don't value me at all.

I have never ever been asked to be a godparent, or a bridesmaid. My 3 so-called best friends from school are all over each other even now 20 years later and they don't seem to value me.

Final straw is this stupid tagging make-up free thing that's doing the rounds on FB. Not one person out of over 400 friends has tagged me. One good friend tagged 40 people and not me. I know it's Facebook, and I know it's crap, but honestly, surely someone would think to tag me.

That's the problem, I would never be someone's first choice for anything. I think all of my friends take me for granted. Those in life that make no effort and are self absorbed seem to get all of the attention.

QueenofallIsee Wed 19-Mar-14 15:38:14

I don't think that it sounds like your friends don't value you, but it does sound as though you need to widen your social circle a bit. Best friends from 20yrs ago? Maybe you just have a bit less in common with them these days? You are lucky to have a group of people that you consider good friends, can you focus on the positive bits of that? Just because you are not a bridesmaid doesn't mean you are not loved. My oldest friend didn't have me as a bridesmaid but I don't think for a minute that she doesn't care

YouTheCat Wed 19-Mar-14 15:40:04

Get different friends.

And the tagging thing? All a load of crap. Everyone is aware of cancer. This tagging nonsense does nothing to raise awareness. It doesn't link to information or how to give to any charities. It's just pictures on facebook.

Seriously though, get new friends and stop being there for them.

Anatana Wed 19-Mar-14 15:45:54

You are being a bit U. No one has 400 friends. It's not possible to be proper friends with 400 people. They're just people you know. But it's still horrid to feel left out and I'm sorry you feel down about it.

And I'm sorry nobody has asked you to be a godparent yet. But there's still time! One tends to accumulate them over decades, I find.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 19-Mar-14 15:46:27

I'm sorry you're upset, Peed. How many friends are you talking about?

Here's the rub... you can't make people want to include you in their circle. Do you think perhaps you do a little bit too much for your friends? For some people, that can be a little bit uncomfortable and, sorry to say, cloying. Do you think you'd get a better result if you pulled back a bit?

We all want to be accepted in our social group but for some of us, it's less important and therefore we automatically get included... perhaps because the expectation isn't there? I have the opposite problem to you - I feel like I have to push friends away a little bit because they want to involve me in everything (or it feels that way) and I'd rather be a bit more aloof.

I don't know what the answer is; if you approach any of your friends about this they'll probably back away, seeing it as a confrontation or criticism (when it isnt'). Are you able to make friends outside of your current group as Queen sensibly suggests? You seem to really, really want close-super-close friendships and maybe that's not what your current group is really about. The may have close friendships within the group but not everybody in the group is that close if you see what I mean... not everybody in your group is a bridesmaid, are they?

Please give more examples... there are some fabulously wise and insightful posters here who will be along in a bit.

ViviPru Wed 19-Mar-14 15:47:23

Your benchmarks for measuring friendship seem misguided. I have 411 FB friends (ner ner <puerile>) and I have not had a nomination, I judge that to represent the fact I have excellent taste in acquaintances and positively wear it as a badge of honour.

You shouldn't feel put out because you've never been asked to be godparent or bridesmaid. As I said before, those things are not measures on the barometer of true friendship.

I prefer not to be someONE's 1st choice for some big THING. I'm on everyone I know's radar for the little things now and then.

blanchedeveraux Wed 19-Mar-14 19:25:53

Facebook isn't real life. Why are you stressing over nonsense on a screen? Do yourself a favour and ditch Facebook and make some real connections with real people, widen your circle and stop defining yourself by other people's expectations of you.

peedoffarama Thu 20-Mar-14 09:05:21

I know fb isn't real life and I'm probably taking it all a bit seriously but to me it just reinforces what I think: that no one values me as a friend. I can guarantee that if my friends were all asked to name their top 3 friends I wouldn't factor. I just get disregarded.

I wonder if I should just start not being bothered about whether anyone is friends with me or not? Does it really mean you get included more?

QueenofallIsee Thu 20-Mar-14 09:25:31

I am still not clear on this 'ranking' system you have - why do you have be the best friend/most loved/most popular? You have friends, you say in your OP that you have a circle of friends, for lots of people that is something that they would love to have! I think it silly to get upset because you don't feel that you are the 'best'

peedoffarama Thu 20-Mar-14 09:31:49

I don't know, it just riles me that I'm not important to any of them. I feel like I am treated as though I am just 'there'. Like I said, I feel that I'm a good friend, and yet it's always me that gets forgotten about.

A group of friends went to the cinema a few weeks ago and 'forgot' to ask me. That's the kind of thing that makes me thing why on earth do I bother.

NoNoNoNoNoYabu Thu 20-Mar-14 09:38:16

Yanbu, I know how you feel and it sucks. But people DO care about you, just keep being a good friend and when you are feeling happier you will pick up more on how people reciprocate

ViviPru Thu 20-Mar-14 09:43:54

A group of friends went to the cinema a few weeks ago and 'forgot' to ask me. That's the kind of thing that makes me thing why on earth do I bother.

That's upsetting. They're not really friends, are they? Friends do things together, like err... going to the cinema. It's hard to, but try and realise that you're not necessarily being deliberately excluded because of any failing on your part, there's a myriad of reasons why it might be. Possibly things out of your control that aren't obvious.

I certainly would not bother with people like this.

EverythingsDozy Thu 20-Mar-14 09:45:56

I could have written this exact post. I think you need to find a group of friends who do value you. I did and feel much happier since!
FWIW, this Facebook tagging thing, I didn't get tagged either so I took my 'selfie' and actually donated to cancer research too, and told everyone to do so, and since I did mine everyone on my Facebook has donated, where they hadn't before. Maybe it takes you to take the initiative?

peedoffarama Thu 20-Mar-14 09:46:40

It's just that everyone treats me like that; I get forgotten, ignored, overlooked, all the time.

frumpet Thu 20-Mar-14 10:35:49

My best friend asked me to be her bridesmaid , well maid of honour as i was so ancient , it was lovely to be asked , but i am fat and quite frankly looked dreadful , like an oversized boiled sweet .

How are you feeling in yourself though , i only ask because when i was starting with depression , i felt like this about all my friends , everything they said or did , i somehow managed to turn into a personal slight or character assasination . I felt really quite needy , which i am not as a general rule . If my freind didnt ring me back within a certain time frame , i convinced myself that she didnt like me anymore , not that she was working ridiculously long hours and had her own dysfuntional family to contend with .

It could well be that your friends are not the people you thought they were , or that friendship has a different meaning to them . You are never too old to make new freinds smile

Famzilla Thu 20-Mar-14 10:43:27

Don't worry about the bridesmaid thing OP. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for a girl who I didn't even invite to my own wedding last year blush Sometimes I think it's a case of "who will fit in the dresses I bulk purchased from China" more than "who do I like the most".

Other than that I would say widen your social circle. It's incredibly rare to still have a group of friends from school. I don't, we may still be friends on FB but otherwise we've completely grown apart.

peedoffarama Thu 20-Mar-14 14:33:03

I guess I just feel that everyone finds me insignificant. I don't seem to stand out as much as more selfish people do.

I went on a meet up about a year ago from a Facebook mums club, and everyone seemed to remember everything about everyone else and hung on their every word, but about 3 people said 'Who are you?'. One woman even went round the table telling everyone who they were and what she knew about them, she got to me and said "Haven't got a clue about YOU", and everyone laughed. This was despite me being a member of the group for 5 years and replying to people loads.

I went to meet a friend this morning for coffee and, as per usual, all she did was talk about herself and her life. If I talked about anything she'd just glaze over and subject change. I get things like this all the time.

I think I'm going to have to try to be more aloof with people, not make any effort and just see how that goes. I have a feeling that if I make no effort then no one will make any effort with me and I'll be even more of a billy no mates.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 20-Mar-14 14:39:21

Less is more - I keep my friends list to 100 if I can otherwise it is overwhelming and that's the way I like it. 20% of those are family anyway and the rest are 'quality'. I have zero work colleagues from college on there, but nice ex-colleagues and nice people I have managed are ok. I also haven't been tagged and that's because my friends know me well and know that I wouldn't do whatever it is unless it involved books or photos. I call that a 'result'.

GeoffLeopard Thu 20-Mar-14 14:47:52

Peedoff... Sorry you're feeling like this. I feel similar with a group of my best friends. I put in more than I get out. It hit me about 8 years ago and it was painful but I've moved past it. I think like anything in life, you have to trust your gut instincts. You just know when things are a certain way, right? In which case as others have said, why not try widening your circle a bit and diverting your energy to other new friends? It's never too late to meet a new bezzie.

For me in my situation I just thought people can only do to you what you let them. So consider what you need out of your relationships and go after that. You are fabulous and worth a reciprocally rewarding friendship with people who appreciate you. You can walk away with the moral victory.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 20-Mar-14 14:58:12

One of the problems with fb is using the term friend.
A true friend is somebody you can call at 3am and ask for help.
I think you confuse friends and associates and therefore expect too much. Try sorting out the difference and you'll find who your true friends are.
There is nothing wrong with only having a few, I can count mine on one hand.
You can still be friendly with other people and have colleagues, associates, neighbours etc that you can be friendly toward.

Balaboosta Thu 20-Mar-14 14:59:03

Are you Eeyore?

Kenworthington Thu 20-Mar-14 15:23:23

Peed I think we may be one and the same person sad rubbish isn't it?

peedoffarama Thu 20-Mar-14 16:18:22

I truly don't think I have any 'call at 3am' friends. I wish I did. Those that I considered to be close friends have proved in recent months that they don't give a stuff about me.

peedoffarama Thu 20-Mar-14 17:30:21

And now my friend from today has done a facebook status saying what a fantastic day she's had, and she has tagged a friend she met later on in the day, but no tag or mention of me. This is typical of how I am treated by friends.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 20-Mar-14 17:35:56

Well if you think that of your friends, Peed, find some new ones. To be honest though, I'd find you quite hard work and too intense. I get the impression that whilst you like the idea of 'lots of friends' you'd do better having one or two close ones who like the same things you do and feel the same way.

If ALL of your friends are treating you this way then that should be telling you something - either about your behaviour towards your friends or the type of people you're choosing to be friends with.

I don't intend this to be harsh; we all like different types of people and things to do but please, for the love of nachos, GET OFF FACEBOOK! It's making you feel even worse... confused

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