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Was my friend unreasonable to suggest this?

(48 Posts)
ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:42:22

I've had a lot of stress recently, I won't go into (another subject entirely) but it's clouding my judgement a bit as I'm not thinking that clearly.

My daughter has a few communication problems and some other issues that concern me a bit. She was 3 in December. She shows little interest in potty training. She knows that people use toilets and potties, and what they do on them but if I try and gently encourage her to use one herself she totally freaks out. She'll sit on one and "pretend" to use it but only for a second then she gets off, it's like she's playing at using it. As we've been through a lot recently, I haven't really pushed the issue but people keep asking me why she isn't "trained" yet.

Another thing that worries me is her communication...and by that I mean listening, not speaking. Her vocabulary and pronunciation is very good (so I'm told) but she struggles with social interaction and understanding quite a lot. She's quite shy and anxious in new situations. She is also very demanding at the moment (but I'm guessing that's normal).

She doesn't like people touching her...mostly strangers, but sometimes even us. If she doesn't understand something she gets very upset. I'm struggling to find a way to describe how she is. She's very particular and if something isn't exactly to her expectations she will have a total tantrum.

It really frustrates me as it comes across that she is spoilt and rude at times and I hope I haven't fostered that in her. She switches off sometimes when I'm trying to explain what's expected of her, I try and simplify it and speak in a clear and calm but firm way. She does shout and scream quite a lot and refuses with lots of "NO!!!" and if she gets like that I'll give her a time out until she calms down. I don't see the point in reasoning with a tantrumming 3 year old...or telling them off as they're not taking in what you're saying (or that's how it seems anyway). She's become very argumentative, which is really hard to deal with. Example - Her "I want to go upstairs and play in my room" Me - "OK, go on then" Her "NOOOO I don't want to!!" That's just a vague example...she'd argue with herself if she could I think. It drives me batty sometimes.

The other day, someone I consider a friend suggested that maybe she had some sort of SEN. She has a very different parenting style to me. She's very strict and authoritarian, whereas I'm laid back and generally try and guide her towards the right way, rather than force it.

I have no clue about SEN. I personally just think she's struggling with communicating a bit and gets frustrated, but maybe I'm wrong. Is this all normal behaviour? Is there anything I should be concerned about? Nursery are very happy with her, she's behind slightly in physical tasks, but they say her mental development in terms of numbers/colours/letters and things like that is good.

I know this is probably me worrying over nothing....I seem to be doing a lot of that recently. And please I dont' want anyone to think that I consider SEN a "problem" so I apologise if my language is clumsy, I just want to see f she needs any help and if she does, how I got about that.

Also, if it's just totally normal toddler behaviour, any help to deal would be AMAZING...I'm so tired.

WooWooOwl Wed 19-Mar-14 14:46:01

No, your friend wasn't unreasonable to suggest SN as a possibility that you might want to look into.

Knowing how sensitive these things can be, your frind has actually been a very good friend IMO.

The things you talk of could indicate SN, or they could mean nothing. But there's enough there to be worthy of investigating.

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:48:15

Yeesh...excuse my typos

Aeroflotgirl Wed 19-Mar-14 14:48:40

I would not rule SN out, there are so many and Autism is on a wide spectrum. Have you been to the GP or health visitor?

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:50:56

She did say she was worried about saying anything. She sees my daughter a lot and I do trust her. I don't think she'd say it unless she was actually concerned.

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:51:47

I haven't yet Aeroflotgirl. We've dealt with so much crap as a family the last 6 months I guess I put a lot of it down to her just feeding off the stress.

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:53:08

I'm just so worried that it's my fault, that I'm not dealing with her in the right way. She's my only child and I don't have much experience outside of her.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 19-Mar-14 14:53:13

I think she's trying to be a good friend and think given that you do actual have some concerns yourself then a little advice from the GP wouldn't hurt.

Redcliff Wed 19-Mar-14 14:53:19

I don't think that there is any harm in getting checked out but to me this could easily be in the spectrum of normal toddler behaviour as well - a lot of what you have put reminds me of my DS at that age.

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:55:32

I guess because the nursery haven't said anything really that I've been thinking it's normal but I don't really have much to compare it to. She's so bright in a lot of ways. Numbers, letters and things have come easily at a young age. But she gives a commentary on what's happening rather than having conversations...does that make sense?

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 19-Mar-14 14:56:55

I don't think you are to blame for any of those behaviours, none of them strike me as disobedience at all. Individually each of those issues can be passed off as within normal behaviour but it sounds like she is having a few struggles.

Edendance Wed 19-Mar-14 14:58:46

I would get down the gps and talk to them about it, there's no harm in it. You've got a good friend there who would risk your friendship in the best interests of your child smile

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:59:12

I think that's what it is. I can look at each thing and think it seems quite normal but added together it seems like a lot. I worry she'll have trouble fitting in as she can be quite difficult. She will play with other children, her confidence is getting much better in that respect.

mrsfuzzy Wed 19-Mar-14 15:01:29

scarletlady, i do feel for your situation, my eldest son had problems from birth, he was born at 28 weeks, i instinctively knew things weren't right but was dismissed a 'neurotic' 1st time mother, but everything was delayed even taking into account his very early birth, i had to push and push for the medical diagnosis, yes, he has asperbergers. it was a relief to know i had been right and i was not fussing over nothing, once we found out [he was 11] it made life easier because at least then we could learn about the condition and find the best way as a family to help him. best wishes to you, dd and family, hope you get the answers you nedd too.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 15:01:48

I have to admit when I read your OP I thought the same thing myself.

I reckon it's worth having a chat with the nursery and seeing what they think. They'll have more experience with more children. If they don't think it's anything that is SEN, just a common development issue that will sort itself without special help, then all well and good. It might be that they were wondering too and waiting for more incidences before seeing the need to raise it with you.

Either way, communicate with them, let them monitor the concerns.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 19-Mar-14 15:02:11

Right well my suggestion would be to write a list of all the things you've written here and anything else you haven't mentioned and give a few examples of each behaviour and then take it to your GP, ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician and go from there.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 19-Mar-14 15:04:08

Sorry but I don't think play group are qualified to diagnose developmental issue even a HV isn't. You could certainly ask playgroup for a meeting to discuss your concerns and ask if they have observed any of these behaviours.

jojane Wed 19-Mar-14 15:12:11

Personally I wouldn't bother listening to nursery!
Ds1 had delayed speech, very delayed toilet training, lack of social skills etc and all we got from nursery was he was fine (was very advanced with reading etc at nursery)
When he went to school within weeks he had been sent for speech therapy, seen by an educational pyschologist and referred to a specialist peadratrician. 2.5 years on he has an Iep with school, has physio and hydrotherapy. He's been seen by an occupational therapist who also went into school too.
he isn't 'officially' sen as pead didn't want to formerly diagnose him at this stage (but has a lot of mild aspergers traits) but he has been treated as such in terms of the help he has gotten both from the children's centre and the school.

I would keep a diary of things that happen as if you get an appointment you forget lots and come away thinking of what else you should have mentioned!

Cleorapter Wed 19-Mar-14 15:12:44

She sounds exactly like my DD was at her age, she's on the Autistic Spectrum. It's worth getting it looked into. And I definitely don't think your friend was U to say something, she obviously cares about you a lot and must have been very hard for her to say.

If it's any reassurance my DD is 8 now, and absolutely amazing. It will get better!

jojane Wed 19-Mar-14 15:14:27

My first thought when reading your post was aspergers (females don't always present typical symptoms) Ds is very sensitive to noise but other aspergers are sensitive to touch etc.

Scarletlady, your wee one sounds very similar to my dd who is now 20 ... She was diagnosed 9 months ago with Asperger's syndrome . In my opinion if you feel something is not quite right then seek help . There is so much help out there for people on the autistic spectrum sometimes though you've just got to go find it . Your friend i would say is a good friend by noticing it may be something and trying to tell you. I had nobody and if anybody did say anything it was only to criticise. Good luck x

Can i just add my dd is sensitive to touch, sound and of all things SMELLS .

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 15:33:46

Thanks everyone. I'm quite emotional at the moment so I'm now crying like an idiot reading all this.

She's always had problems sleeping, they're much better but it's not often a week goes by without her waking and wanting to come in my bed. Also she's almost impossible with food. She point bank refuses to try new things and seems very funny about texture. Trying to get a healthy diet in her is so hard and I just feel like a total failure a lot of the time.

We eat well, and manners are so important to me so it hurts when people see how she is and think that I don't care about her behaviour or it's learnt from our example.

I don't know how I'll cope if I gets much harder, I'm barely managing now.

Scarletlady ... YOU WILL COPE. We all have. My Dd is faddy with food still, I used to and still do DREAD going places with her incase she threw a tantrum, she wouldn't wash for days because her fingers wrinkled ... Cheesy peeps the list goes on and on...I have lasted 20 years , I've gone through an extremely violent marriage I've been a single parent you name it and I did it without even knowing she had aspergers until recently and guess what ... I coped, maybe not the best but I did it and I'm still here and so is she. Be brave and the people who matter will help you and stand by you and the people who don't don't matter !! I'm so proud of my girl and wouldn't change her for the world. Xx

ScarletLady02 Wed 19-Mar-14 15:47:10

Thank-you, you're so sweet. It's just been a really shitty week. I've been scared to look for help because I'm scared I'll find out something is wrong and then it'll add to my stresses.

I know that's stupidly counter-productive but my head isn't exactly thinking properly at the moment...

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