To think playgroup shouldn't withhold food from DD for not saying thank you

[Tweasels]

...or am I being a PFB twat.

She's 2.5 and not actually my PFB but my second.

Her speech isn't brilliant, she talks loads, has wide vocabulary but pronounciation is poor. I understand her but others don't always. Spoke to friend who is a SALT who said nothing to worry about...anyhoo..

Picked her up from playgroup this morning where they'd made scones. DD goes to get hers from worker who says "Say thank you" as she hands it to her. DD won't say thank you, never does. We work on it every bloody day but she won't say it. So worker pulls scone away from DD and repeats "Say Thank you". DD just looking up at her so again she pulls it away.

This happened 3 times before I intervened, explained she can't say it and took the scone off her myself. (I obviously said thank you )

DD looked quite humiliated and was quite upset on the way home.

I think the worker was wrong to do this? Your thoughts?

[Buddy80]

That is a bit mean and OTT. Glad you just grabbed a scone yourself.

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

Why can't she say "thank you"?

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

Can she say 'ta'? I would have maybe prompted her to say that instead? But the worker was mean.

[puntasticusername]

So is it that she can't say thankyou, or that she won't say it? From the overall thrust of your post I'd guess the former, but you've said both.

[steff13]

She doesn't even try to say it? If she felt humiliated and upset, then surely she understands that she's supposed to say it. Could you teach her to sign it? My daughter has a speech delay, and we taught her to sign thank you.

[Hoppinggreen]

If she can't say thank you then that's a different matter to won't, although your post isn't clear why she can't.
My niece has no SN at all but is frankly just spoilt, she apparently never said thank you or even please as her Mum would step in and say it for her.
At a party once I though SIL was going to strangle me as I ate the chocolate DN wanted piece by piece until she actually had the manners ( like all the other children I was feeding chocolate to) to actually speak to me!! This child still refuses to display basic good manners to most people but never to me as she knows I won't put up with it.
If it's the word that your DD struggles with can you find an alternative?
Unless there is a really good reason why she can't use simple manners rather than won't then perhaps she should be " encouraged" a little more forcefully and learn that without please and thank you she won't get what she wants
Obviously if there IS an actual reason she CANT do it then that's totally different

[KatnipEvergreen]

Teach her to say "Ta!"



I think it is a bit OTT of the playworker, OP. I said "Thank you" or "Ta" to DDs every time I gave them something but it took them a while to repeat it back, and even longer to be consistent/automatic with it, and they still forget now aged 8 and 5 sometimes.

[MarianneEnjolras]

My ds is 3 and still won't say hello, goodbye, please or thank you to strangers (and as far as he is concerned anyone that isn't his mum, dad or nan falls into that category).

He isn't rude he is just really shy. He will smile at someone when they talk to him but he won't say a word to them instead he says it to me and I have to relay it. Still can't get him to say please or thank you though.

[Littlefish]

I agree that we need to know whether she has a way of indicating her thanks be it saying thank you, ta, signing, waving or whatever.

Even at 2.5, I think that if children are NT, they should be able to indicate their thanks. Playgroup and nurseries are excellent places in which to reinforce or teach appropriate behaviour.

From your thread title, it sounds as though part of her meal there was withheld, rather than a cake she had made in an activity which is different as far as I am concerned.

[MarianneEnjolras]

So if anyone has any ideas how to teach him "basic manners" then I'm all ears.

[Jolleigh]

Very ambiguous post - it's completely dependent on whether your DD can't say it or won't say it.

If there's a reason she can't and it's being worked on then YANBU.

But if she is just refusing then you most definitely are.

[MammaTJ]

I remember my DD1 being around 18 months and I took a biscuit of her for not saying 'Ta'. I do believe in teaching children manners.

I do think your DD should have and could have at least managed this. Maybe the worker should have asked her to say that instead of thank you, maybe you should have taught her to.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think she was right tbh.
This is obviously her belief and one I shared when my dc were little.
My dd also went to SAlT but knew if she didn't say please and thank you she didn't get.
whilst you were there your dd was still under her care, on the premises and she has loco parentis.
I don't personally like childcare/ pre school but had my dc attended I would have been glad they were being taught and socialised the same as we did in the home.

[ConfusedPixie]

OP and Marianne can you teach them the sign? I've known a few children who will happily sign please and thank you but will struggle with saying them for whatever reason.

[Feminine]

I think that even if she is refusing it is no big deal Jolleigh.

The playgroup are making way too much of it!

Little ones use control tactics like described, it is very common.

I'd just say a massive "thank you" while handing it to her. Eventually she'll understand. :)

YANBU ;)

[WorraLiberty]

Is it the 'food' issue or the fact the teacher was trying to get her to use her manners?

[BrianTheMole]

My ds wouldn't have been able to say thank you. I think thats a bit tight of the nursery worker tbh.

[TiggyCBE]

Food should not be used as a punishment or a reward according to ofsted.

[BrianTheMole]

Yes, exactly that feminine.

[MarianneEnjolras]

I'll have a go at teaching him to sign. It's horribly embarrassing having to explain that he's shy when he won't answer someone, especially because speaking is literally the only thing he is shy about. He's not the kind of child that won't leave me side at all so I know it just looks like he is being rude when he refuses to speak.

He always says please when he is asking me for chocolate though.

[Dawndonnaagain]

Food is a right, not a privilege.

[MarianneEnjolras]

*my side

[violetroses]

Marianne, my just-4-year-old is the same. I'm always embarrassed by his steadfast refusal to say thank you, good morning and goodbye to nursery staff, and have made a big deal of it in the past.

But he's just v embarrassed, finds talking quite hard and hates being put on the spot. He just puts his head down so we can't engage.

In the last day or so, though, he has managed a quiet "hello" though. I'm thinking, he'll grow out of it. Making a big deal of it hasn't worked at all.

[WorraLiberty]

Food is a right, not a privilege.

It's a scone and therefore a treat so more of a privilege really.

I think the member of staff should have been happy with a nod or a 'ta', rather than making the child say something they can't pronounce yet.

[Tweasels]

Ooh, mixed responses. Thank you for the many sensible ones. I'll choose to ignore the rest in true AIBU style!

To be clear, I don't know whether she won't or can't say it. She has never said it. I don't think it's about manners as such. If you give her something she smiles and nods. In my mind that shows she's grateful. It's just the words.

I assure you it's not because she's spoilt or rude, she's neither of those things, it's just the words.

I'm also not against playgroup teaching and reinforcing manners. It's just that as I'm not an early years professional I am questioning the technique used. It just seemed a little outdated.