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To be sad about this?

(202 Posts)
Moonfacesmother Wed 19-Mar-14 07:13:59

I've read a lot of times that intelligence is largely inherent.

Dh and I are average / slightly above average intelligence I would say. We were both in the top groups at school, went to university, have professions etc.

So I was sad on parent's evening to hear that ds (4 and in reception) is struggling. He's at the bottom of his class and it is not a high achieving class. I don't think he has a specific SEN, he just isn't very academic. I know it isn't the end of the world and there are other sorts of intelligence but life is certainly easier if everything isn't a struggle. And it's disheartening for a child to always find everything at school difficult.

I guess I expected ds to at least be about average. He's been read to loads, had lots if input, been to lots of places etc. so I sort of expected with either nature or nurture that he'd wouldn't 'struggle'

I'm horrid aren't I?

LIZS Wed 19-Mar-14 07:16:22

It is very early days to write him off. Keep open minded about his progress and encourage him with the basics. Support at home can give a positive effect.

RedHelenB Wed 19-Mar-14 07:18:44

Kids develop at different paces. You'd be surprised at how many of the high flyers in Reception get overtaken down the line! Even between o and a levels - I did a lot better than friends of mine who got all a's & b's at o'levels in my A levels.

MarianneEnjolras Wed 19-Mar-14 07:18:53

He's 4! Give the poor lad a chance.

Normalisavariantofcrazy Wed 19-Mar-14 07:19:19

Don't be so hard on him or yourselves. He could just be struggling to fit in

ithaka Wed 19-Mar-14 07:21:31

Everyone develops at different rates, However, my sister & her DH are both above average academically (good degrees/PhD) & their oldest isn't academic at all. Their other children seem to be more like them (ie, could get the grades for a good uni).

It is strange because it is not what was expected, but it is not a bad thing - because my niece has social skills & emotional intelligence in spades to make up for her academic mediocrity. She is currently about to set off solo to travel & I am sure will find work and make a success of her life.

So, you may find your child is just a later developer or they may not be academic, but hopefully they will have skills you can nurture that will enable them to make a success of their life.

kerala Wed 19-Mar-14 07:22:27

No. My lovely friend has this. Her dd x now 7 is in bottom sets for everything, cannot concentrate etc ( like her father) has struggled. My friend went down the usual university professional job route. Her dd got down about it (I'm stupid type comments). My friend enrolled her in a Saturday theatre school and she has blossomed and found the thing she is good at. There was a class performance on Friday and dh even asked who the child in the glasses was she is so impressive he hadn't recognised x who is often at our house! This girl will be fine in life ok she won't be a professor or lawyer but is sparky friendly and confident. My friend has had to adjust her own expectations though.

ajandjjmum Wed 19-Mar-14 07:22:31

So was DS when he was 4. He's just got a 2:1 Physics degree from a RG uni and is currently studying for a Masters at a top uni in London.

We did not push at all - he just saw the light when he was around 12, and decided he needed to start working. A number of his 'very bright' friends seem to have burnt out before A levels, and struggled to find their path.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 19-Mar-14 07:22:52

Plenty of time for him to "get it", he is very young. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or him, won't do you any favours.

Tealady1983 Wed 19-Mar-14 07:23:20

So going by your nature vs nurture theory it is my fault my 6 yr old ds has a mental capacity of a 3 yr old because both me and my husband are of normal intelligence! So it must be his up bringing right? He too has been read to, he has more books than the local library! It just so happens that he has autism. It makes me so mad when parents put so much pressure on children so so young to achieve at school he is 4 for crying out loud. Get over yourself and your expectations and let him be a child, he will either catch up or he won't. Is it him your worried about or not being able to say "'my son is the top of his class". He will know your disappointed and it's shameful confused

TantrumsAndBalloons Wed 19-Mar-14 07:33:14

Dd was on the bottom table for everything at age 5.

She is now 16, already has 3 A* GCSEs and is predicted another 10 this summer.

Ds1 was on the top table for everything, could read really well age 4. He is now 15 and predicted As and Bs in his GCSEs next year.


Who they are at 4, at the very beginning of school is not necessarily an indicator of their academic future.

At 4, they have just started school. They are just getting used to the school day and the learning process. They all develop at different rates.

YouTheCat Wed 19-Mar-14 07:38:49

Your disappointment might rub off. Don't let your ds even feel you are disappointed about this and let him grow and learn at his own pace.

I've known plenty of children at 4 who were struggling who managed just fine as they got older especially if they were given confidence in their abilities.

Moonfacesmother Wed 19-Mar-14 07:40:15

I don't like to think that school is going to be one big struggle for him.
I will say we have discovered recently that he extremely long sighted and he is getting his glasses this week with a +7.5 in each eye so I'm hoping that will help his concentration. Maybe he hasn't been able to focus for long?

I'm not bothered about him being top of the class but I saw myself when I was at school how many of the children in the lower groups (and especially the boys) just give up. By year 11 most of them seemed to rarely come to school.

That was about 15 years ago so I'm hoping things are better now.

NoodleOodle Wed 19-Mar-14 07:40:44

Same sentiments: wait and see; love them regardless; nurture their talents and interests.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 19-Mar-14 07:43:00

If he is +7.5 he won't have been able to see anything close up so that will have a big effect.

I agree with others..he is only 4.

Plus. .it could be so much worse. Enjoy him and help him be happy, fulfilled and responsible.

JonSnowsPout Wed 19-Mar-14 07:44:59

He's 4. Far to young to write him off as a future failure

Moonfacesmother Wed 19-Mar-14 07:45:28

Yet I feel the school have...

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 19-Mar-14 07:45:52

There's plenty of time for him to settle into school. He's very little still, just wait and see how he gets on

coralanne Wed 19-Mar-14 07:56:55

In some countries he wouldn't even be at school yet.

School starting age in UK is far too young. At 4 years old they shouldn't be herded into classrooms and led away from life.

pudcat Wed 19-Mar-14 08:00:37

Poor little one. He is only 4. He should be learning through play and learning how to socialise. Whatever you do do not push him at home to learn because you might put him off for life. What is he struggling with?

Delphiniumsblue Wed 19-Mar-14 08:02:14

This is worse than 11+ which sorts them at a ridiculously young age!
He has only been alive for a few short years and he has ample time, lots of children are late developers. Children are humans, it doesn't work that you read to them lots and take them places and they churn it all back.

DebbieOfMaddox Wed 19-Mar-14 08:03:12

+7.5 in each eye, he'll have barely been seeing any class work. It would be astounding if he weren't struggling under those circumstances.

SugarplumKate Wed 19-Mar-14 08:04:31

DS 1 struggled in reception, a speech delay meant he just couldn't ever learn phonics. He is in year 9 now and predicted 10 x A or A* at GCSE.

I do understand as Dd2 is not as academically bright as her 2 older siblings (she is 7) and I'm struggling not to make comparisons, and worry a little about her coping in juniors next year.

Moonfacesmother Wed 19-Mar-14 08:05:10

Everything apparently but in particular writing.
His writing is terrible, it's all over the place. He can't read it back and nor can anyone else. He writes a letter and then writes the second letter randomly anywhere on the page. He doesn't seem to understand the letters need to be together to be read. He repeats the same letter over and over too.

In addition to his sight he is left handed (as am I and dh) and I think that doesn't help.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 19-Mar-14 08:06:53

Seriously he won't have been able to see what he is writing.

There are vision simulators online

Close up with +7.5 everything is just a blur.

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