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To think this Dad was totally out of order

(63 Posts)
minkersmum Tue 18-Mar-14 23:33:25

My 5 yo dd was playing at a friends house. She is often reluctant to go play there but will go if I stay. The friend likes things 'her' way and turns to big melodramatic howls if she doesn't get what she wants. Dd gets fed up with this.

The friend can do no wrong in the eyes of her parents who are overly strict and like to tell off everybody elses children.

So while we were there the other day my dd kept coming downstairs and sitting with me saying she didn't want to play anymore. When i asked what was going on she said friend was being mean and grumpy and not letting dd touch certain toys.
The next day dd tells me and dh she never ever wants to play there again and that the friends Dad had come into the bedroom and quietly told off my dd saying 'it's Lucy's room so it's Lucy's rules'.

I'm bloody raging and not surprised she never wants to go back.
Aibu to feel like having a word with the Dad?

maddening Thu 20-Mar-14 18:41:51

If you didn't want to confront i would just say to the dad that next time there is an incident where he feels yout dd requires discipline that he ask you to do it as dd is anxious (may as well play on it as they are aware that she is as you have to stay) and it would be better coming from you - then you will be witness to what is going on giving you an opportunity to discuss it in full knowledge of the situation so any confrontation you will have the upper hand.

hackmum Wed 19-Mar-14 17:08:56

AskBasil: "Even if your DD was being a PITA, the dad's response was out of order. "It's Lucy's room so Lucy's rules" is the utterance of an arsehole and I don't think you want to cultivate relationships with arseholes do you?"

So, so true. When my DD was little, I always used to take the opposite view, which is that you should accommodate the guest's needs as much as possible. I think that's what most normal parents do.

MajorGrinch Wed 19-Mar-14 17:08:47

I would never tell a visiting child it was my dds room therefore my dds rules. What sort of message is that giving a 5 year old

That's where we differ then, I have and would again. It's not the end of the world & certainly not "Rage Worthy".

Given the situation you're in location wise you don't seem to have many choices though - either they don't socialise round the other girls house, or they do.....

ElkTheory Wed 19-Mar-14 17:04:58

I would also let things fizzle out. There's no real reason to foster a friendship with this child, though I can certainly understand the difficulty of finding playmates in a rural setting. The girls don't seem to enjoy playing together and at that age I really don't think "playdates" are necessary. I wouldn't have words with the dad, and I can't quite understand the intense emotional response to him. I don't agree with what he said, but it seems more worthy of eye rolling than rage, IMO.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 16:52:43

They are perfectly at liberty to say 'their house their rules'. They can't then be surprised if a need to dictate and an inability to socialise leaves them with lack of friends.

So when either of them (dad or daughter) questions why your daughter no longer goes, you can explain it as a matter of fact and state that until she feels happy to go, there will be no more visits.

minkersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 16:44:10

majorgrinch i've already said my dd wouldn't be breaking things etc, it's not about that. I wouldn't be raging if it was any other responsible parent but there is a history there as I explained.

I would never tell a visiting child it was my dds rolm therefore my dds rules. What sort of message is that giving a 5 year old. hmm

AskBasil Wed 19-Mar-14 14:22:06


I don't think everyone is like the people I know.

I think it's legitimate to talk about group behaviour Everyone intelligent knows you don't mean every single person in that group.

MajorGrinch Wed 19-Mar-14 13:27:02

I've said that to kids in the past, sometimes it's the only way to stop your kids things getting messed around with and/or broken.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be raging because an adult (who was there) had had a quiet word with my kid. If he'd shouted or threatened it'd be fair enough....

softlysoftly Wed 19-Mar-14 13:21:08

askbasil a ha ahahahaha You haven't met our Turkish friends then, I agree other cultures have a more embracing heart to visitors but my good god the ructions after these instant friendships, and the destruction of peoples reputation afterwards and the drama the constant drama.

But then I also wouldn't assume all Turkish people are the same as the ones I know hmm

anklebitersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 13:12:51

fair one minkersmum

It is more difficult when you are in a rural goldfish bowl type situation-especially when a child is sensitive.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 19-Mar-14 13:08:14

Just because she is the only other girl in her year does not mean they have to be friends, it does not sound as though your dd enjoys going there, and finds it stressful so stop going. They can play at school? Have you thought of having the girl round to yours to play.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 19-Mar-14 13:03:49

I would just give it a break, it is no good if your dd is worrying about it. Play dates should be enjoyable, not a source of stress.

minkersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 12:48:10

anklebitersmum i can see what you read between the lines. My dd does want to play. She is keen to go but likes me to stay. She is generally a worrier and will only stay with others that she is comfortable with and trusts. I never force her or insist as I know the situation.

She came and sat on my knee twice. First time I suggested they play something else as I suspected ftiend was wanting 'her' game. This happens a lot. Next time Dd stayed downstairs and we left soon after.

There will be another girl joining school after summer. My dd gets on well with her. It is just hard with it being so rural. There is no getting away from things.

dustarr73 Wed 19-Mar-14 12:34:36

Just stop going around there your daughter told you she doesnt want to go.How much more plainer can she make it.She be better off playing on her own than with someone that doesnt like her.

CerealMom Wed 19-Mar-14 12:34:28

Just be very busy and let the friendship fizzle out. No big drama. Shared school/club stuff won't be too bad because there will be other kids there to diffuse/play with. Just be too busy with the 1:1 stuff.

DS has/had a friend like this. We only see them very rarely now and only when it's a structured activity. DS (and I) got very fed up with the word 'mine' and putting stuff in bedroom so DS couldn't play with it - amongst other things.
The mum couldn't understand why the child never got reciprocal play dates from the other class kids and blamed it on the child's dyslexia rather than having an overindulged child with spineless parents.
We stuck it out for a few years. I felt bad for the mum and the child, but when does the lesson about inclusiveness become punishment for your own child?

Floggingmolly Wed 19-Mar-14 12:10:24

Of course you don't have to insist on playdates your child doesn't want; just because there are no other local girls hmm
Why would you push your child into continuing a friendship she'd rather not? What's that going to do to her self esteem and what's in it for you? confused

Only1scoop Wed 19-Mar-14 12:02:11

'The' English are just dreadful at hospitality'

What an awful sweeping generalisation.

Also Op could live in rural Wales or Scotland or rural anywhere else for that matter.

MerryMarigold Wed 19-Mar-14 12:01:35

If fizzling out isn't an option, then I think you need to say something. I think you need to approach the Dad and say, "Dd was a bit upset by the other night. I've only heard her side of it. What was going on?" Let him tell you, and then you can tell him he is being out of order. If he says, for eg, Lucy didn't want her to touch things, you can ask if she was allowed to play with ANYTHING at all. I fear you will have to spell it out to them even if it is just so they know why it's fizzling. It's not fair on your dd to keep going through this, so if you are not going to let it fizzle you need to address it.

It's that or move.

AskBasil Wed 19-Mar-14 11:55:16

"And yet 'your house your rules' is normally such a popular line to trot out on MN"

Yes, it's the blight of English life, that saying.

Other cultures say "my home is your home".

The English are just dreadful at hospitality. It's the name of an industry here, not a normal behaviour.

anklebitersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:52:55

I clearly imagined

"She is often reluctant to go play there but will go if I stay."
So don't go.

"So while we were there the other day my dd kept coming downstairs and sitting with me saying she didn't want to play anymore."
I admit I assumed you insisted she played for longer because you didn't say "well we'll be off then" and go home the first time she complained because if you'd gone home she wouldn't have kept coming downstairs confused

Doesn't make the Dad right.

Does mean I just wouldn't go again unless my daughter asked to.

minkersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:18:38

anklebitersmum not sure which thread you read. Not mine. Unless you skimmed it and then made the rest up hmm

Thanks for all the helpful replies.

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 10:44:50

Thanks DidI, and thank you also for demonstrating that it's perfectly possible to post supportively about friendships between boys and girls without putting girls down or generalising.

DidIMissSomething Wed 19-Mar-14 10:42:55

Well put Artex.

DidIMissSomething Wed 19-Mar-14 10:41:16

I really would let it fizzle out - there must be girls in the year groups either side - I'd assume that there may even be other girls in her class as I'd expect mixed year group classes in such a small school.
That aside surely they don't need to be the same sex to be friends? My DD had a male best friend for years and many, probably about half, of her best school friends are boys.

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 10:40:03

"Chinese people don't seem to go in for this bitchiness/manipulation that SOME black people do"

Yeah, you're right, that sounds great, no probs whatsoever with that sentence hmm

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