DH says I ignore his input

[Moggy72]

Dh travels every week for work, leaving me with 3 DCs. He's back at weekends. He's been working really hard and we haven't had a vacation for a year. We agreed that we would go when DCs are on Easter break, agreed the location and rough dates. Dh was pretty reluctant and kept trying to shorten the trip either side citing work demands. I pushed back insisting I wanted a proper holiday. I went ahead and booked for a Wednesday departure. Dh went nuts saying he can't go - has an important meeting... Insisting he told me that he couldn't leave before Thursday. He's now saying he doesn't want to come because he can't leave on a Wednesday and also because I apparently never listen to his input. AIBU ? I looked into changing the flights but is very expensive. I feel like I made the trip shorter than I wanted to suit his needs and he's always got one work commitment after another.

[AskBasil]

Well, he's got to prioritise a family holiday and it's unacceptable to keep trying to cut it short. He needs to cancel meetings that he can or you need to book later on in the year so that he has booked a proper amount of time off before work commitments go in diaries. But your negotiation skills aren't up to much tbh - you shouldn't have booked without definite agreement, holiday dates are a huge thing not to get right and I do think that anyone who is going on a holiday, does have the right to be properly consulted on dates, no matter how obstinate they're being and not be railroaded into going somewhere at the wrong time.

[Moggy72]

Thanks Askbasil. We had agreed the dates of the trip but decided to switch airlines last minute - hence leaving Wednesday night and not Thursday morning. This was discussed. So it's not that he was completely in the dark about the dates. I think he was expecting me to triple check with him before I paid for the flights but by that time I was so pissed off at having to shave more and more time off I couldn't be bothered to check again.

[AskBasil]

Oh, it's just the night before rather than the morning? So in fact, in the great scheme of things, it makes very little difference, IE he wouldn't have been able to go to a meeting or whatever anyway?

In that case he's making a fuss about nothing, I'd envisioned him finding out he had to go three days before he wanted to or something.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It really depends whether that meeting is one he can get out of or not. I'm not really clear - did you both agree the dates that were possible for you both? From your OP it sounds as if you decided you wanted the fullest time and just went ahead and booked it because you were fed up with the time being shortened. Did you really book without checking he could make those dates?

If so, you are being really unreasonable and no, you don't listen. I work away from home and wouldn't be able to accommodate time-shaving in this way but I would give earliest dates I could leave for holiday and latest dates that I would need to be back. If your husband didn't do this then he's unreasonable and doesn't listen to you.

For goodness sakes, have a proper conversation or this holiday is going to be a resentment-filled waste of time and money.

[deXavia]

hmm depends on the meeting and the logistics around it - both my DH and I sometimes work abroad and we have both had times when we've flown back from a work trip and then flown out again on vacation the next day. So for example if the meeting is Weds afternoon, he planned to get home Wednesday night to fly out Thursday then maybe he can't fly Wednesday night.
Your Op sounds as if you were pissed off with him not prioritizing the vacation and just booked it without confirming dates (and if it is similar to the scenario above - even timings)
Two big issues - Firstly the vacation itself, can it be changed, can you fly with the kids and he joins you.. or these arrangements going to over shadow any fun to be derived from the holiday. But secondly and probably bigger is it doesn't sound like either of you are particularly happy in the general set up of your life - you really need to get some time for honest discussion about that - because in your Op, it does sound like the vacation is just the tip of an iceberg

[Millyblods]

Your husband definitely thinks you are being unreasonable and he is the one whom you really need to sort this out with.

[Pixieonline]

I could have written the OP myself, so I understand your frustration completely.

OP, I've come to realise that this situation requires far more compromise on the wife's part in terms of our expectations of family life and what we see as 'normal' eg. being able to go on a proper family holiday.

The harsh reality of it is that pushing DH to do something he can't/won't because of work is not going to get you the holiday you imagined. He is correct in that you did ignore his input. That doesn't change the fact that he isn't listening to what you want/need or that you're frustrated that you can't even go on a regular family holiday without work always coming first.

I still can't figure out if it's genuine work demands or a workaholic situation but I do know that there is just about nothing I can do to change the situation. If I do, it adds pressure to DH's situation, our rlationship and our family life. I've decided that I love DH and am willing to make the sacrifices, but it's taken me years to truley accept this without resentment.

Just last year, we booked a holiday I had been wanting to do for a long time. We decided to book a villa with another family who were, at that time, my DH's friends. I'd spent a total of 3 hours max in their company over lunch when they came on a holiday to the country we live in.

It was to be our annual vacation outside of the expat country we live in....all of two weeks....

At the last minute, DH had to attend an important meeting, which meant that he would only be able to join us for the last week of our holiday. So there I was flying halfway around the world with my 2 small children to go on holiday and share a villa for a full week with a family I essentially didn't know until my husband joined us.

OP, you have to decide can you live with this situation and take his input into account? of course, he needs to make up for your sacrifices in other ways too but it won't be in the traditional/stereotypical ways of a 'normal' family life.

Hope I'm articulating what I mean in a sensible way. It's very early/late here.

[FernieB]

From your DH's point of view - he works hard, probably long hours, away from his wife and children, only seeing them at the weekend - it can be quite a lonely life for him. He probably does this for his family so they can afford a nice life (he may also enjoy his job and hopefully he does). Given this he may like to spend some of his holiday time in his own home with his family as he spends so little time there normally. Logistically if he has meetings abroad they can be hard to cancel especially if other attendees are flying in from other countries too.

My DH did this for 3 years (prior to that we lived abroad for 6 years) and I understand how frustrating it is for you but also for him.

[wobblyweebles]

Stick with what you've booked. He can reschedule his flight if necessary.

I think you need to get on with things like holidays without him. Have a fabulous time with your children. Why should you all miss out on life just because your husband chooses to?

[HellomynameisIcklePickle]

Yabu!!!

[Moggy72]

Pixie - thanks for the post. It is hard on both of us - dare I say harder on me being a single parent during the week with young twin DS and an older DS. Last year we had tacked on a mini vacation to a work trip only for him to "drop us" in the US to attend a meeting in Europe. I don't blame him - these things are out of his control but you are right a massive amount if compromise is needed. I think I am generally pissed off that he doesn't prioritise family vacation time. Anyway looks like I'll be going alone with the kids next week now ... But I think I do just need to get on with it and live my life.

[Millyblods]

Maybe the husband isnt trying to miss out on life, he is trying to earn money to keep paying the bills and the lifestyle his family are living. Holidays abroad are not important but a happy harmonious homelife are.

[Moggy72]

Millyblods - I think you are right to a degree except when work just seems to takeover everything. And I think everyone needs to take breaks and set boundaries with their employer. He used a total of 3 vacation days last year and has 25 unused days ??? Sorry am drop feeding a bit.

[Moggy72]

Drip feeding

[Millyblods]

Fa

O ok. I thought maybe he couldn't take time off but if he " won't " take his entitled leave then I can understand your frustration. Why does he not want to take his leave though?

[deXavia]

So I still think you may have been unreasonable on this one - just because of booking something without it being confirmed. But I get you are not being unreasonable with regards him not taking his leave and the general prioritizing of work over everything else. Could be he's just sick of travel - airports and hotels can be really awful if you do them every week - and would prefer to be at home (I do get that is slightly selfish of him as you no doubt what a "proper" vacation)

What do you want to happen next? Take the holiday on your own with the kids and then carry on as normal? Or address the issues head on? BTW I don't think there is a "right" answer to that - its very much a personal choice.

[Lazyjaney]

YABU. I don't think you grasp how the working world operates once you get positions of any responsibility.

[NearTheWindymill]

I have lived your life OP. The problem is they cut their reputations in their 30s when their children are young. I went with the flow and the flying home from holiday for three days for a meeting, etc, etc. Nearly 24 years on I'm glad I did - he is a loyal soul and a workaholic but I couldn't live my life without him. I also found the upside was that I didn't have a great deal of interference at home and I quite liked that although like you I was accused of lack of consultation too.

I used to book holidays with his agreement up to a year ahead though so there was ample time to put them in his diary and if he double booked that was his problem and he had to deal with it by cancelling or coming late.

[Moggy72]

Thanks lazy jane - I worked for 16 years as a senior exec until last year - I think I do "get" how the working world operates. There is always an important meeting / deadline !

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

To be honest if my DH booked a holiday without confirming I was actually able to take leave on those days, i would be pretty pissed off.

I couldn't reschedule meetings because he wanted me to take an extra days holiday- it just doesn't work like that. If there is a meeting I have to attend, a deadline to meet or any other work commitment, you can't just cancel it to go on holiday.

[Bonsoir]

If your DH has a very busy work life you need to reconcile yourself to booking holidays for you and your DC and not knowing whether or not your DH will be able to join you for the whole holiday.

[Lazyjaney]

"Thanks lazy jane - I worked for 16 years as a senior exec until last year - I think I do "get" how the working world operates. There is always an important meeting / deadline !"

Well then how the heck don't you get it that you can't resschedule holiday times at the last minute?

[Joysmum]

I think YABU but I understand your frustration as I'm sick of it too with my DH, how everything revolves around him and I couldn't ever arrange a night out, evening classes or weekend plans in advance.

If anything did come up that was a definite I check first and he then diaries it as if it were a work meeting. Let's face it, if it were a work meeting and something else came up he'd have to work around it anyway so no reason why he shouldn't do the same for the family. Mind you, he is responsible for his own scheduling and not in a situation where someone else tells him what to do and when.

[Joysmum]

...oh and I don't consider myself 'a single parent' when he's away.

He earns the money that supports us and meant i could be a SAHM. Saying you're a part time single parent is very wrong on so many levels.

[Flexiblefriend]

YANBU. Does he make time for you and the DC's the rest of the year?