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In the treatment of BIL?

(76 Posts)
MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 19:58:46

So first aibu ....

Bil turns up just over two years ago. He moved in with me, dh and our small child to a small 2 bed flat. Landlord decides to sell so we have to move because bil is still there complaining about sleeping on the sofa we moved to a three flat plus we had baby 2 at this point. He still complains doesn't like the area, the room is too small, dh has stuff in his room, he doesn't like the way I do his washing and the fact I don't iron everything, the fact I ask him to tidy up after himself and make his own drinks and breakfast or that that the food I cook for dinner is too foreign. Oh and there is a draft, the heating is not enough - wear a jumper - basically complaint after complaint in two years. He has never paid us anything.

So Sunday he sits in his room talking on the phone so loudly that I have turn the TV up in the living room which is across the hall. I snapped and I shouted. I am sorry for shouting but I have had enough. He says I am a bully and bursts into tears. I am stopping him talking to his family and going to the loo in the morning. I said no I am asking you not to shout and bang doors. I asking you to think of others this a flat with a central hallway. No I am a bully and he has left.

Dh's family are cross and don't understand why I have been so fed up. Is it so odd to just want a home for me, dh and the children? I have felt restricted with a guest who hasn't left. I just want to slob on the sofa and watch trash or even just sit cuddle dh. Can't do that brother is here.

So have been unreasonable?

Dh is stuck between a rock and a hard place with me and the kids on one side and family back home the other.

If you recognise me please don't say

K8Middleton Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:50

Your dh should have manned up and dealt with this long ago.

I would divorce my dh if he behaved in a similar fashion. I mean that too, I'm not exaggerating for effect.

Lj8893 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:06

Wtf? Is he paying rent?

My sil is about to move in with us, I have already laid down ground rules. She is to be out within 2 months, she has to have a job so she's not under my feet all the time, she has to tidy up after herself, she buys her own food or contributes to our food bill (and shares the cooking).

I am very good friends with sil and have made these conditions in order to preserve that friendship!

ENormaSnob Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:11


You have been taken for a right mug.

Dh has gone along with it.

Id have been single about 23 months ago.

AFishCalledBarry Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:57

He works full time and he doesn't pay anything??? shock

How and why did you ever let it get this far?

WitchWay Tue 18-Mar-14 20:13:59

If he's working there's absolutely no excuse to not pay for his bed & board!!! angry

Imnotmadeofeyes Tue 18-Mar-14 20:15:33

Small price to pay mrspear, if they want to back a moocher let them.

He's obviously found somewhere to bed down so let him get on with it and see what it's like looking after yourself in the big bad world of ironing grin

You've probably done him a favour in the long run.

shock WTF is your DH playing at, allowing this to go on?

NeonMuffin Tue 18-Mar-14 20:16:58

Why is he living with you? I'm genuinely confused.

Is there a reason why he is unable to move out or pay rent?

Im afraid I'd chuck him out, ungrateful little twat.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:17:18

Parents are back home. We are the nearest family he had here. He is from a very traditional culture where the men do nothing not even pick up dirty socks for example they want drink the woman runs. Dh has moved away from this - I wouldn't have married otherwise - and told bil this the way things are but I just think he has accept that we live differently. I swear that thinks dh has lost his manliness by being to the lazy English woman who has him help.

I feel better letting this out. The pressure my husband gets is unbelievable

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:17:58

Sorry for typos

HermioneWeasley Tue 18-Mar-14 20:19:58

Your DH has let his brother treat you and your home like crap. It needs to not happen again.

HazleNutt Tue 18-Mar-14 20:20:47

So what that you're the closes family. He's 22, he does not need family to take care of him.

CSIJanner Tue 18-Mar-14 20:21:31

So he's left and ignoring you? Basically he's in for a cold short shock of the real world as he either tries to gauge favours from mates or rents a room. He'll either end up living in a cesspit or his friends OH's will kick him to the kerb.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Tue 18-Mar-14 20:21:53

At 22, working full time, it is time he stood on his own 2 feet. He has had 2 years to save his wages for a deposit on a little place of his own / a flat share.
He is a grown man FFS.

Finola1step Tue 18-Mar-14 20:22:31

So he is 22, working and not paying his way. That means he is taking money, time and resources away from your dc. Your BIL is angry but only because he was on to such a good thing. Do not fall for the putting family first stuff. He is not putting his own niece/ nephew first, is he?

Don't let him jump back in the gravy train. Sit back and enjoy lolling about in your nightie, watching whatever you want.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:24:15

I have got the feeling he has moved into his sister's - 2 bed flat with. 2 small babies and husband - he couldn't survive without a woman around. God that sounds bitchy blush

Whocansay Tue 18-Mar-14 20:26:49

On the bright side, he left and is ignoring you! It looks as if the in-laws will hold it against you anyway, so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and tell the chauvinist little fuck to piss off, do his own washing and pay his own way.

How did you put up with this for 2 years? Why did your husband make you put up with this for 2 years? shock

AlpacaLypse Tue 18-Mar-14 20:28:19

I came across this when an English friend married a (gorgeous) Kenyan. Her DH was UK educated and fairly well housetrained, but then his (male) cousin was sent over to stay...

Thankfully after only three months the cousin joined the British Army, the thing he'd come to do in the first place. My friend had been counting the days for two months, three weeks and six days by this point!

Does your BIL have any intention whatsoever of doing anything productive with his life?

VeryStressedMum Tue 18-Mar-14 20:28:51

Omg, you are a saint. You've more than done your bit, if his family can't see that it is not your problem. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Enjoy your freedom and let others get on with whatever they are doing. He left of his own free will.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:29:17

Small things irk like when I have a bath I don't like to get dressed straight away but instead wonder about with just a dressing gown on sans underwear. I know strange but for 2 years I couldn't do that . Dh just goes on how he wants to help his brother. I know they come from a poorer country and this is a chance for him to save some money to make a better future but I have had 2 years of moaning.

YouStayClassySanDiego Tue 18-Mar-14 20:29:43

Don't allow yourself to be a doormat again, that's my first point, so tell him he's not welcome back if he asks.

Don't visit the IL's abroad if you're going to be treated badly during the visit for standing up for yourself regarding BiL.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:31:48

I am not sure what he is saving for and tbh he has been English culture ahem

Thank you for everyone who has replied it has really helped as I have made to feel awful

Holdthepage Tue 18-Mar-14 20:31:58

Did he come to you direct from the 18th century?

VeryStressedMum Tue 18-Mar-14 20:32:18

And if he wants a woman that will wait on him hand and foot suggest that he finds his own wife (good luck to him) and not use his brothers.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:32:23


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