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In the treatment of BIL?

(76 Posts)
MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 19:58:46

So first aibu ....

Bil turns up just over two years ago. He moved in with me, dh and our small child to a small 2 bed flat. Landlord decides to sell so we have to move because bil is still there complaining about sleeping on the sofa we moved to a three flat plus we had baby 2 at this point. He still complains doesn't like the area, the room is too small, dh has stuff in his room, he doesn't like the way I do his washing and the fact I don't iron everything, the fact I ask him to tidy up after himself and make his own drinks and breakfast or that that the food I cook for dinner is too foreign. Oh and there is a draft, the heating is not enough - wear a jumper - basically complaint after complaint in two years. He has never paid us anything.

So Sunday he sits in his room talking on the phone so loudly that I have turn the TV up in the living room which is across the hall. I snapped and I shouted. I am sorry for shouting but I have had enough. He says I am a bully and bursts into tears. I am stopping him talking to his family and going to the loo in the morning. I said no I am asking you not to shout and bang doors. I asking you to think of others this a flat with a central hallway. No I am a bully and he has left.

Dh's family are cross and don't understand why I have been so fed up. Is it so odd to just want a home for me, dh and the children? I have felt restricted with a guest who hasn't left. I just want to slob on the sofa and watch trash or even just sit cuddle dh. Can't do that brother is here.

So have been unreasonable?

Dh is stuck between a rock and a hard place with me and the kids on one side and family back home the other.

If you recognise me please don't say

MyNameIsKenAdams Tue 18-Mar-14 20:01:04

You do his laundry? And his cooking? And got a bigger house to accomodate him? I hope he is contributing massively in terms of rent money.

Roshbegosh Tue 18-Mar-14 20:02:04

Why are you a doormat to his family? Not judging, just baffled.

newsecretidentity Tue 18-Mar-14 20:03:17


CrohnicallyChanging Tue 18-Mar-14 20:03:29

YWB slightly U by shouting but I can see why you snapped and YANBU to be annoyed. He is being rude, firstly by not paying his way and secondly with all the complaints. Why is he living with you in the first place? I think it's time for him to make alternative arrangements (well actually it was probably time 2 years ago!)

Topaz25 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:03:30

YANBU to be fed up. He's been staying with you rent free for 2 years?! I'm surprised you haven't snapped sooner. Why have you been putting up with this? How does your DH feel about it? It's absolutely nothing to do with the extended family, they can take your BIL in if they feel so strongly.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 18-Mar-14 20:04:07

Are you from another culture OP?

CSIJanner Tue 18-Mar-14 20:04:21

Let me guess - you're a 'bully' who didn't charge him rent..?


AnyFucker Tue 18-Mar-14 20:04:49

eh ?

fryingpantoface Tue 18-Mar-14 20:05:06

Why is he living with you?

just wondering, but yanbu

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 18-Mar-14 20:05:39

Fuck me - he'd never have lasted a day in this house.

HazleNutt Tue 18-Mar-14 20:06:27

he lived with you rent-free for 2 years and complained how you do his washing?? Tell me BiL is 6 years old..

hollyisalovelyname Tue 18-Mar-14 20:06:29

What age is he?
Does he work? If so, why does not contribute?

TheCatThatSmiled Tue 18-Mar-14 20:06:31

If his family are bothered, let them put him up on their sofa. Your family is you, your DH and DC. Your DHs main priority is you 7 his DC. Not an adult sibling who is making his wife miserable, and treatin her like a 2nd class citizn.

Why the fuck are you doing his washing and cooking? Are you his servant? No.

Tell him to get the fuck out and stay out. And tell your husband to grow a backbone and start looking after his own family.

Sorry, but seeing someone nice taken advantage of like this makes me mad.

waltermittymissus Tue 18-Mar-14 20:06:50


MrCabDriver Tue 18-Mar-14 20:08:10

Why are you doing his cooking and washing?

Why does he not contribute financially? Does he work? Who pays his share?

You're so obviously not being unreasonable .....and if my OH thought for one minute that I was he can pass off with the BIL too

Finola1step Tue 18-Mar-14 20:08:23

Blimey. 2 years. Is this for real?

You did the right thing. The only thing you have done wrong is leave it this long.

Who in their right mind would think that this situation is ok? I suspect that your dh's family were perfectly happy with the arrangement because while the BIL is living with you, then he is not leeching off them.

Get his stuff out of your spare room because you need it for your own dc.

waltermittymissus Tue 18-Mar-14 20:10:17

Ok OP you need to fill in the gaps here!

I'm flabbergasted by the whole thing...

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Tue 18-Mar-14 20:10:38

The error was letting him move in with you to start with. Letting him stay with a clear leaving date, and all expectations (doing his own washing and helping with cooking and cleaning) and him paying his way would have been better. You then pandered to him when moving to the new place, by letting him guilt trip you in to getting him his own room, and not telling him he needed to pay rent.
If DHs family were so bothered about BIL they should have taken him in to start with (by that I mean his parents).
You were well within your right to snap at him, and if DHs family don't understand that then that is their problem.

AFishCalledBarry Tue 18-Mar-14 20:11:16

The only thing YABU about is having let it go on as long as it has.

DracuLaura Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:01

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Get him fucked off assp.

harriet247 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:11

Whhhhhhaaaat? It is high time he left! Dont you dare apologise or let him back in!

WitchWay Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:12

You have been more than reasonable - stop letting him walk all over you. Nothing to do with his/DH's family either.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:14

He is 22. Works full time. I am English but husband is not.

I am pleased others albeit strangers can see my side. Ever since I have been told that I am horrible and that they can't see what my problem has been

He has just popped back and taken more stuff and ignored me.

I don't think I am going to be Miss popular when we visit in the summer

Imnotmadeofeyes Tue 18-Mar-14 20:12:34

Are the inlaws abroad? Personally I'd dip into my pocket one last time and stick him on a plane home.

If they're not abroad, well he can go mooch off them.

I'm shocked there's no hint of embarrassment from your inlaws he's not paying his way at all.

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