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to send dd to after school club she hates in order to make my point?

(81 Posts)
PuffyPigeon Tue 18-Mar-14 11:40:39

My dd is in her first year at Junior school and just turned 8. She went to after school club briefly last year when my hours changed and hated it. I have been with my dh since dd was a baby, her dad left when I discovered I was pregnant. We've since had two more children age 4 and 2 and dh also has two children from his previous marriage, age 8 and 9. Dd sees her dad once per month only - his choice though he's only twenty minutes away.

ExH hates that dh acts as a father to dd. Dd naturally started calling dh daddy because she heard his children calling him it. She was corrected but now she's older we figure it's her choice what she calls people. ExH has always reiterated to dd that dh loves his own children and not her, that he's not her father in anyway, that only blood family matters and so on.

Combining this with dds age, she's started taking on board what her dad has said and 'testing' dh. Particularly after she's seen her dad or before she is due to she's horrible to dh, ignores him, calls him by his name and encourages the other children to do so too, won't show him any affection or anything. She keeps saying she doesn't have his name, he didn't help make her, he's not her parent and has no rights over her. I know this all comes from her dad (he openly says it to/in front of me) but it's extremely hurtful.

Usually dd adores dh. She asks to visit him at work to take him cakes and pictures or letters at work at weekends, she asks him to attend school and extra-curricular events but doesn't even think to ask her dad as he's never attended, she plays with and is affectionate to him, asks when she can have another sibling and so on.

Talking to her has made no difference. Her dad's nastiness towards dh penetrates all goodness. Aibu if I respond to dd by, when she says: 'dh is nothing to do with me/not a parent/has no rights etc' by saying that fine, he'll act accordingly. Therefore, when I'm working he won't collect her from school like he usually does and take her to the park/tea rooms/soft play, she'll go to the after school club she dislikes. When she's been rude or hurtful, she can expect no help from dh when she then asks and so on.

I'm at the end of my tether because its getting worse as time goes on and I want it nipped in the bud so it doesn't make the teen years even harder.

Fusedog Wed 19-Mar-14 07:15:41

Personally op should be taking this up with you ex

I would talk to him once and inform him if this continues you will be getting the relevant people involved and contact may have to be moved to being supervised his choice

But as somone Whois married to a man is not my child's father but raised him I share you pain my ex tried all these tricks whilest being shit himself however my ds saw though it now 14 he knows who he can rely on and true to form ex let him down in a big way while ex remaind constant and sted fast.

bragmatic Wed 19-Mar-14 07:25:45

Sorry if I've missed it by skimming, but (as above) I think you should also take it up with your ex. I mean, he's obviously an idiot, but me might pull his head in if you explain that he is hurting and affecting his child, not your current partner.

Lazyjaney Wed 19-Mar-14 07:33:15

She needs to see that actions have consequences.

NoodleOodle Wed 19-Mar-14 07:35:17

Agree with the sentiments of - rather than take away what he does do with/for her, remind her of these things and how much they mean to her.

RedFocus Wed 19-Mar-14 07:38:10

My youngest is the same with my husband. It's very hurtful but he just sucks it up. My older 2 appreciate what he does for them. Like taking to guides or taking to the GAME store to get a game they can play together. My youngest has moments were is happy with my dh but as soon as daddy is due in town she hates is all. Would rather be with her Disney dad. It must be so conflicting for young children in this position but I understand that. My dh wouldn't dream of withdrawing from any of them. It's taken years to get here and there is no way he could because he loves them.
Ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. Make sure there is 1:1 with your dd for both of you and all together. I think your ex needs to be told he is emotionally abusing his daughter by saying what he is saying. The one he is hurting is his own daughter as your dh surely knows she doesn't mean it when she says horrible things. Your ex is the problem here not your dd.

notthegirlnextdoor Wed 19-Mar-14 08:50:17

Hmmmmm. And what exactly would he know about family or being a father, Mr Once A Month contact? I despise emotionally manipulative parents and he is one of them.

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