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in not wanting to sub my dh's sibling

(8 Posts)
Takenforgranted76 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:06:14

Dh's older brother is married with two dc. He has been out of work for several months but job hunting.

We have supported them for a while - bought shopping, much needed shoes/item of clothing for their dc etc, paid their car tax. They promise to pay it back but never do.

On recently speaking to the wife, she mentioned going to the hairdressers. Without fail her nails are done every month - gellac.

Am I being mean for thinking she is taking advantage? We are struggling ourselves and make sacrifices to help them.

I never have any beauty treatments and colour and style my own hair to save money.

It is causing arguements between dh and me.

HellomynameisIcklePickle Tue 18-Mar-14 09:10:23

Yanbu! I get that even in a limited budget some people would prioritise it above other items but you should not be supplementing that.

Call me a mean old cow but I would be happy to (abd do) gift a lot, but I would not be subbing anyone's lifestyle

Only1scoop Tue 18-Mar-14 09:13:11

I think whilst you are helping them out you will notice all these 'luxuries' ten fold. Think it may be time to let them sort their own financial affairs.

If I'm honest I think it would annoy me also.

Gen35 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:13:15

Do you know for sure that someone else isn't paying for her treats? I wouldn't bring it up with them, it'll cause massive resentment and probably long running bad feeling but if you know they're paying themselves then you need to stand firm with your dh about cutting back the help.

DeWe Tue 18-Mar-14 09:52:47

To me it depends whether you are offering or they are asking/hinting heavily.

If your dh is thinking "actually I'll pay their car tax" as a nice thing to do, then it wouldn't worry me too much.
If they're coming to you and saying "can you pay?" or "We can't afford our car tax, and we need it because bil has job interviews he needs to drive to. Hint, hint....." then I'd not want to pay.

Dh had a friend who used to do the latter (for items not money though)and he, being kind, generous and not very noticing would say "fine, I'll check with DW that we've still got it." (their request would be along the lines of "we need a high chair/buggy/cot/other baby item, bring it over this afternoon.."-30 minutes drive away) My response was either "we're still using it"-this was several times true, or that it was promised to someone else.
We give most of our old baby stuff away so I'm not precious over it, just resent giving it to someone who likes to demand they have it, now, on their terms, and also likes to flash their money around.

Beckyboo4 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:53:56

I would be pretty pissed off if I was helping to get them basic items such as food shopping and shoes for the DC then SIL goes to the hairdressers and gets her nails done especially if I was struggling myself. You have been very generous up until this point but they need to start working out their money and prioritise their spending according to need say like food/shoes/car tax over hair and nail appointments.

Preciousbane Tue 18-Mar-14 09:59:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Takenforgranted76 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:15:54

They ask most of the time. Other times we see the need and meet it.

I am starting to resent supporting them.

I will not bring up the wife's spending.

Dh and I just need to decide how much we are willing to do. If anything.

It really does not take long for people to become complacent with what you do for them.

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