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Who is being unreasonable regarding Dc?

(63 Posts)
Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 07:41:52

I've name changed for this, am a regular poster.

Me and my Dp keep arguing over pretty much the same subject, my Dc.

He is constantly moaning about what they do or don't do and it's getting on my nerves. I'll phone him on the way home from work and he has to tell me Ds left some dishes on the coffee table.

Last night he was going on for ages about what he would do if he had Dc, how they wouldn't watch tv and would come home from school and do some reading and writing. I asked if he would like to come home from work everyday then do some more work before he was aloud to rest.

I ended up telling him how funny it was the idealist views people with children have before they have the reality of it. It ended up with him saying he was going to ignore my Dc in future and leave me to it. He hasn't spoken to me since.

I'm just so fed up with it, it's not as if my Dc are feral beasts or anything.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 10:17:25

I'm going to try and talk to him tonight. He hasn't spoken to me since he huffed off to bed last night so I'm not sure how easy that will be.

I also need to discuss the money situation. I don't know whether to start a new thread about it or carry on here?

stepmooster Tue 18-Mar-14 10:19:36

I imagine it must be very hard when you have been the sole carer in your home for a long time, to let another person have an input on how your children are raised. You have to try and be less defensive.

No adult is going to be happy living with another adult and have no say in the house rules, nevermind when there are children involved.

All of you, children too need to come up with some house rules. All of you need to compromise.

If it all possible, both you and your DP need to take a step back and start again from the beginning and thrash out some rules. Maybe right a list each and discuss them. No arguing, just listening and trying not lose patience or be bloody minded (both DP and you). Some rules will be important to you but not so much to your DP and vice versa, then you have to work out whether you can adapt expectations. If neither of you can live with a rule that other is adamant must be implemented then I can't see how your relationship would survive.

DH and I have rules that are very different to what he had with his ex. There are no TVs in bedrooms here, and there is no screen time after bedtime. This is something I was adamant had to happen before DH moved in. Although I was not yet a parent, but I knew I wanted this rule when I did have children. We agreed on it. I have had to relax my thoughts a bit on pop and junk food. It's not what I would do if I was on my own. But I don't let it get to me because it's the compromise.

stepmooster Tue 18-Mar-14 10:20:50

What is the money situation? Often money and feelings of people not paying their way can be at the bottom of a lot resentment.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 10:37:49

The money situation is complicated. Basically Dp has only been in work for the last 3 weeks. Before that he hadn't worked since December.

He had a tax rebate last month, paid some of his bills and bought a new car, I had to lend him money for car tax because his money had run out.

He is self employed. Started working 3 weeks ago for someone he's worked for before who is not very quick at paying. He got paid £300 Friday and £100 Saturday. He's not due any more money for another fortnight.

He paid me back for the car tax and spent £40 on shopping and is now worrying he doesn't have enough money to get to work for the next two weeks. Commuting costs are about £60 a week.

In the meantime I'm paying for all my bills, all the shared bills for the house, all the food and my commuting costs.

Things are just about manageable with me paying all the bills but it's tight and I do have to be very careful and keep track of every penny I spend.

I think he needs to start giving me some money for the bills etc. He says he can't afford to give me money and get to work and pay his bills which are about £100 a month. I think he can. He says money just disappears and he doesn't know where. I say he needs to figure it out quick.

His work is only on a week by week basis and there's always the worry he won't be paid. It would be better if he had a full time non self employed job.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 11:52:31

Thanks for all the input so far.

Am I expecting too much re money? I'm not sure. This living with someone is hard work.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 11:55:43

Argh he's just text to say he thinks its best if he books into a hotel tonight instead of coming home! So much for talking.

stepmooster Tue 18-Mar-14 13:53:23

Personally I think you are being too generous with your money!

Where was your DP living before he moved in with you? Surely he had to pay rent and contributed to bills?

I really wouldn't stand for someone not contributing to the household, otherwise you are just giving him free board and lodgings. I would not be assisting him purchase a car either.

I don't know how old your DP is but he doesn't sound very financially mature. Money just doesn't disappear.

If it were me I would suggest your DP moves out, gets his act together a bit, I know it's not easy to find work but you are financially penalising yourself and your children by letting him live with you if he is not contributing.

I used to be a bit too generous with my money, especially with boyfriends, I might as well have flushed it down the loo what I 'lent' them. I wised up a lot after being caught out.

Now I have children I just wouldn't lend money to anyone anymore.

If my DH were to lose his job that would be different but we are married and have a joint account. We don't view our money as independently belonging to each of us, just jointly owned. In the event of marital breakdown I can go after him for my fair share of assets (as can he).

It's not your fault he is in financial hardship, you have your children to protect.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:42

Thanks that does make a lot of sense. He was living in a flat share before so was paying bills.

He says he's not coming home and wants a break to see how he feels at the end of the week.

I feel gutted but if we can't get past this then we can't.

MerryMarigold Tue 18-Mar-14 16:27:58

Where is he getting the money for that?!! Maybe he realises his freeloading is over...

SnookyPooky Tue 18-Mar-14 16:42:41

Just what I was thinking Merry, no money to get to and from work but can afford a hotel?

Jiggery, call his bluff, don't rise. Just say 'Ok then'.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 17:18:44

I did tell him to go if that's what he wanted.

He's just got home, we haven't spoken yet. Will try once the Dc are in bed.

SnookyPooky Tue 18-Mar-14 17:33:34

So he didn't go to a hotel then?
It was to get a reaction in my opinion.

Jiggerypoke Tue 18-Mar-14 17:46:35

No he didn't. He has said he will take some stuff to work with him tomorrow and then stay with his mum for the rest of the week.

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