That this father should have left the school and the children to sort out their problems

[treas]

Just received a phone call from my a parent of a 'friend' of my YR6 (11 y.o.) dd.

Apparently, his dd has been coming home upset about her friendships at school and my dc's name has been mentioned by this child as someone she sometimes has problems with.

I have also had this situation in reverse, however, have let it go as the dc sort themselves out, although 'friend' has a tendency to be a bit clingy and often tries to FaceTime 10 times in 2 minutes in an evening.

'Friend's' parent have contacted the school and asked for the girls to be on separate tables - although friend tried to sit with dd today and was reminded by teacher about her parents request. They have also spoken to the HT.

Now I know my dd is not perfect and from experience I know the friend is not either. Also am completely aware that 'friend's' obviously need for their dc concerns to be addressed.

However, AIBU to think that this matter should have been left to the school to deal with and raise with me if necessary. To me it appears to be a 'girls of that age' issue with both girls at fault to a greater or lesser degree although obviously I am inclined to believe my dc.

Now I feel that dd is being judged by the school as I am not defending her by raising any of the issues dd has experienced with this 'friend'.

The school has not raised this matter as a concern with us, surely they would do if there was a 'real' issue?

[Optimist1]

I agree that this really could be adequately sorted between the girls themselves. The school are probably relieved that they don't have two sets of parents making a song and dance about the situation, but it wouldn't do any harm to let them know that you're aware that there are issues and that the other girl's father has raised his concerns. You can express your confidence that the school will deal with it in an appropriate way and willingness to participate in further discussion if they deem it necessary.

[deakymom]

probably but the parents have probably had enough of so and so this so and so that so they have decided ENOUGH STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER im the parent of a 13 year old and i really really know that feeling

[Bunbaker]

I agree with deakymom. DD had a problem with a girl at school in year 7. I was very upset because DD was so miserable. I didn't contact the parents though, I let the school deal with it.

You probably have no idea how this girl feels and how miserable it is making her parents feel.

[treas]

deakymom - We've had enough of hearing about this other dc and the 'mean' things she does.

However, we haven't raised these issues with either the school or the parents and have just advised dd to walk away from any confrontations.

[OpalQuartz]

It would be better if the parents has spoken to the school only rather than contacting you as you are bound to see it from your own child's point of view rather than their child's. If their child is getting very upset, then they are right not to ignore it and to try to help their child. I'm sure if your daughter had been getting really upset you would have tried to help her out.

[treas]

OpalQuartz and Bunbaker - actually dd has been getting very upset has turned up on the doorstep in tears after school, the difference is that we have told her that she is the one who needs to deal with it or to tell the teacher/s.

Currently, dd is walking away from fraught situations with this girl rather than causing any dramas.

Why assume that it is my dd that is causing the problems and not the other child? Just because she is the one to have told her version of events to the school and we haven't

[Menolly]

It depends on the tone of the call, I don't think it's unreasonable to talk to another parent if you just want to know what the other side of the story is, and if there's a way to sort it, at both my children's schools that would be normal but it would be unreasonable if they called up just to tell you that your DD is being mean.

I wouldn't worry too much about the school judging, the teacher won't automatically take the side of the child whose parents complain and if your DD is walking away rather than creating drama, it's the other girl approaching your DD etc the teacher will be able to see that, especially now they know to watch.

[Admiraltea]

Quite right let the school sort it. You would also be completely right to call or catch class teacher to ask if everything is ok.

Just in case you are in the "miss she was mean to me she told me to get lost/go away" after your daughter has been approached for the umpteenth time by a little darling telling her she is mean and her mum/dad agree she is so mean they have told the teachers.

Given teacher's response it sounds as if her approaches have been noted.
If she was as upset as parents are making out then she will not have been approaching your dd.

[treas]

This morning dd has received 6 text messages from 'friend' to apologise.

I am aware of this as all messages and FaceTime calls come through to my mobile and computer as well as to dd's iPad. Dd has not responded and will just be dealing with her at school.

In the past we have had to removed dd's iPad from charging in her room at night because 'friend' tries to message and FaceTime at 22:30.

To be honest we haven't raised any issues with school because the 'friend' will be changing schools next year and we thought 'friendship' would fizzle out naturally.

[TheBody]

if your dd can sort this out so much the better. only step in if she needs the help.

some parents are ridiculously involved in their kids friendships as if they are still at school themselves.

the school will have a good idea of the characters involved and if they felt the need they would be contacting you.

[treas]

TheBody - thanks, that's what we thought if there was a real issue the school would have told us.

Have to admit that it is peeving that people assume dd is at fault just because we haven't gone running to the school.

[OvertiredandConfused]

OP I think your approach is the right one in these circumstances. However, given the other parents have gone to the school, I might be tempted to have a quiet word just to explain your views and to make sure that the school see it for what it is.

[hunreeeal]

I think a quiet word with the teacher could put your mind at rest.