On wanting to live 45mins away from my husband's child from a previous marriage?(33 Posts)
Hello. I am pregnant for the first time and wish to move out of London to avoid pollution etc and so the kids can enjoy a more countryside style of living. I am keen to live in a town which is 45 mins away from my husband's ex-wife and 11 year old child. He has a really good relationship with his child and we have him to stay every other weekend. We currently live about 20-25 mins away depending on traffic. The issue is my husband is getting pressure from his ex wife to live as close as possible and she has said that somewhere even half an hour away is unacceptable. While it's great the ex wants my husband to have a relationship with his child, I find it difficult to comprehend the problem she has as the town is in the same county as where she lives in now. My view (and I accept I could be wrong) is that anywhere an hour or less is ok? Thoughts welcome! Many thanks
I can't see 25 mins v 45 mins being a big deal really. Assuming your DH is still willing to do the pick ups etc? Other thing to consider is that at 11 it's only a short while until your step son can come visit on his own, so how does the public transport system work - is it an easy journey?
If your husband likes where you want to move and the only reason why he is being reticent is that he is having external pressure YANBU.
As long as you both agree the new area is nicer/better then go for it.
She does not get a say in where you live.
45 mins is nothing
45 minutes is nothing!
I have a dd aged 11 with my ex and also at that sort of age before long they won't want such regular contact anyway as friendships and going out starts to come into play (with my dd anyway).
We actually moved 132 miles away from my ex when we first split up 10 years ago. We just did half the journey each every other weekend and he has half the holidays etc. It's worked out fine and dd had always been happy. (Ex has now moved to USA in fact! So now dd has half holidays there).
That's a bit strange
Is there more to it? Why exactly does she object?
I do slightly disagree that '45 minutes is nothing'. Your stepson won't be able to come over as easily under his own steam. But then I am v happy bringing up kids in London.
YANBU because you have considered travel. Although it is a bit further afield, his ex might want to consider it a positive move for his DD because she will benefit from a nicer area/rural surroundings. What a shame she is making an issue particularly as it has been discussed with her prior to the move not presented as a fait accompli. She can't do anything about it in reality, other than ask your DH to shoulder the extra travel costs. Do what makes you all happy.
I think your proposal sounds very reasonable. Since your partner only sees his son every other weekend, it's very doable. It might be different if he had to school pick up and drop, but he doesn't, so 45 mins away sounds fine.
Also, as another poster says, once the DS is a teen, he can start using public transport.
Does she have to do any of the drop offs or pick ups? I would agree but I could see her point then if your husband does all the journeys then YABU.
Has she specifically said why she objects to anywhere less than half hour?
i do not see any problem personally. agree with you as it is under an hour.
As you dsc gets older, she/he will want to have her own social life at w/es, go out in the evening, go shopping with friends etc. your partners ex is probably thinking a bit ahead and pushing for a situation where this can happen with ease from both your houses. This way your dsc will never be in the position of having to chose between seeing her dad and seeing her friends. I have been there and it is not a nice choice to have to make.
I don't see a problem with it so long as your DH will do all the driving.
You will probably find that she wants to spend more time with friends before long though so it might mean he has to pick her up later.
Where you live shouldn't be dictated to by his ex. What if she wanted to move a couple of hours away? Should you then have to move too?
YOur DH's ex does not get to dictate where you and your family should live. It's not as if you're not considering the welfare of his child. It won't be that long before his son will be able to make his own way over on public transport anyway. She's being v unreasonable.
Given London house prices I think she's being a bit daft! Few people get to live in the exact postcode of their dreams in London & the South East. You need a property that's big enough, with another sibling on the way, and common sense tells you that's likely to be more affordable a zone or so further out.
Were you in less of a hot zone for property prices, I'd probably push for you to compromise, simply cos you knew he had a kid when you got with him. Nothing is ideal about the London market and if she's old enough to have an 11 year old, she's old enough to have worked that out. It's important the child has somewhere decent to visit and 15-20 mins journey time balanced against that is neither here nor there for London.
I think it's too far. I don't think 45 minutes is nothing. But it's really an individual thing. What's a long way for one person isn't too long for another.
Thanks for your comments. The ex does a lot of the drop off / pick ups which i appreciate is kind of her (there and back is already a 40min journey right there!). I would not expect her to do the same level of journeys if we move further away but I think meeting half way would be reasonable i.e. 20 mins, the current journey she is currently doing. I think there is one change on the train but I don't imagine the child doing that for at least a couple of years (I got the train to school on my own from 13). It's odd as only a couple of months ago she was seriously considering moving two and a half hours away and my husband would have just accepted it but it's always been one rule for her and another for us! I am really stressed with it all. I appreciate the child should come first (over my needs) but I am also trying to balance it out with the needs of our unborn child and what's best for them in the long term (especially in light of the fact that we only have him every other weekend).
I think if you move further away you have to collect the child from their home you can't expect mother to drive further/halfway, generally if someone moves away from the child's home town they are expected to do the travelling to enable access, it is OK saying 45 mins but is DH also prepared to drive 45 mins on sat pm so they can meet friends hang around for 3 hours then bring them back to your house again, once in secondary tthey could have sports matches saturday mornings etc so you could be doing 45 mins 4+ times a weekend easily
But then I'm also laughing at you describing two weekends a months as a "really good relationship"........
do not be harsh saucyjack, it is a hell of a lot better than what many divorced dads manage.
I don't really understand why she would have an issue unless she has asked your husband to take on more responsibility, maybe mid week contact or something. EOW isn't a huge amount of contact given how close you currently live.
It doesn't really make sense that she's objecting to this, considering your DH has so little physical contact with his son.
I could understand if he had midweek visits too
Although why does she do the pick ups and drop offs?
Exactly NigellasDealer - we had to fight in court to get that! It was a horrible time for everyone. Clearly SaucyJack you have not been through a painful divorce! Now he stays more than the allotted one night and things have considerably moved on for all parties. He is welcome to stay at ours any time. I hear the fun they have together at the weekends and in comparison to the lack of relationship I had with my Dad (who lived at home), it's a great relationship!
She does the pick up / drop off's because she wants too. We have not asked her. I think she prefers to drive him herself and does not like the idea of public transport.
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