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Please help!

(15 Posts)
superlambanana Mon 17-Mar-14 09:28:54

Just a quick one - there was a thread in here from a man who was asking if his wife was being unreasonable not wanting his family to visit soon after their baby is born, even though she didn't mind her own. The overwhelming consensus was he wbu. Lots of people posted really useful stuff about their birth experiences.

Have just had similar discussion with DH and need backup as he seems to think any birth stories involving lots of blood and pain are horror stories and not the norm and that I will be hunky dory afterwards (which may happen but may not). Can anyone link to the thread please?!

superlambanana Mon 17-Mar-14 09:30:04

Oh hang on, I've just found it in Childbirth... Sorry, please ignore! blush

EatShitDerek Mon 17-Mar-14 09:31:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superlambanana Mon 17-Mar-14 20:26:29

:-D I did consider saying that...

EverythingsDozy Mon 17-Mar-14 20:27:41

Oh my god, are you the real superlambanana????

TheBody Mon 17-Mar-14 20:29:59

you are not an exhibit op!

tell him to watch 'one born every minute'

still if your family are free to visit you will be stirring up resentment to stop dh family visiting.

my advice is don't fuss on the sides of family but keep all the numbers down.

NoodleOodle Mon 17-Mar-14 21:29:50

But, The Body, she might be much more comfortable with her own family seeing her even if she feels like crap, rather than someone else's who she's only related to by marriage. IMO it's your body, so it's your choice who comes to look at you and the baby until you're good and ready. They've waited nine months, they can wait a few more days/weeks.

TheBody Mon 17-Mar-14 21:32:25

I know and I do see your point but if it's contained say just mil and fil and no others.

honestly do see but it could cause more offence and trouble than is really worth it.

obviously depends on the personalities involved.

TheBody Mon 17-Mar-14 21:48:22

and to add I really would hope that any future dil wouldn't see me as 'just someone connected to her by marriage' and I would be utterly devastated if my sons agreed with that assessment.

I was a dil and I adored my mil and I have dds too and I never and hope they never think of their dhs family this way.

deakymom Mon 17-Mar-14 21:51:11

go on youtube they do birthing videos there we used it to put my teen off having sex it was very successful she now punches any boy who gets within spitting distance! grin (im really only half joking on that one)

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 17-Mar-14 21:51:56

Thing is, there is such a massive difference between your parents and someone else's parents -even if that someone else is your dh/the baby's father. Your parents have raised you since you were tiny, etc etc - whereas inlaws haven't. I know there are exceptions, where people actually prefer their in-laws, and that's fine. And I know that both sets of parents are equal in the grandparent stakes - but when you're talking childbirth, and visiting in hospital - well it's the mother who is the patient, and it is her needs that need to be met first.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 17-Mar-14 21:52:53

Oh and I'm pretty sure all births involve pain and definitely all involve blood.

maddening Mon 17-Mar-14 22:01:52

there was a show on the baby channel which showed the 1st few days coming out of hospital - it was American but it was good for getting coping tips - and it showed each family was v different.

so imo it depends on the family dynamics and the parents in question - tell dh that you will really have to play it by ear and he will have to trust you to take the lead based on your health post partum as well as the baby's.

He has to learn to put you as his first priority and be able to be relied on as a gatekeeper if his family get over bearing - and he has to show this is from a united front so his family know it a boundary you both agree on wherever that boundary is.

emsyj Mon 17-Mar-14 22:21:37

I had a lovely birth second time around - at home, quick, comfortable, fantastic midwife care and no stitches etc. But I still didn't want PILs coming over the next day. They're just not nice people and dealing with them is stressful for me so I wanted a bit of time to gather my health and strength. When I said that they could come the day after (so about 36 hours after the birth) my lovely MIL gave me a lecture on how she had wanted to come the previous day and FIL tried to put his finger in my newborn DD's mouth (to suck, because she was rooting). When I asked him not to, he had a big hissy fit and stormed out of the house. MIL then followed me up the stairs as I tried to retreat to my bedroom to feed DD and escape and continued to berate me for not allowing them to come the previous day.

Anyone who wants to keep their inlaws away for a period post-birth has my every sympathy. Emotionally it was exceptionally hard to deal with my vile ILs so soon after birth - even though physically I was in the best post-partum shape I could have hoped to be. The relationship between me and the ILs is now destroyed, and their relationship with DH, their pfb son, is irreparably damaged. A partner who ignores a woman's request to keep the ILs (or anyone else) at bay for a while post-birth does so at his or her peril.

superlambanana Mon 17-Mar-14 23:10:11

Thanks - I'll show him the other threa but your replies have also been helpful! I do think it's borne out of him not understanding rather than not caring or being unreasonable.

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