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AIBU?

To no longer want DC after TTC for 4 years?

12 replies

TOADfan · 16/03/2014 23:59

I have found myself in a weird place. I started to TTC at 20. I always wanted children young and didn't want to be an older mother. After a year of ovulation tracking, special lubricant, folic acid, diet change, no drinking. I went to a specialist who said we would never be able to have children, due to low spem count. We where offered IVF but as we werent married, we decided to wait.

After 3 years we stopped actively trying (tracking ovulation etc) and just had unprotected sex. Now we have come to a decision to use condoms (not the pill as I dont want to harm any fertility treatment for the future)

I have gotten a great job but im waiting for permanent which I wont get if im pregnant. But we are also enjoying freedom and being young. Being able to go on holidays, being spontaneous, having money to spend, having time for each other and most of all sleep.

I think we have just accepted we cant have children and have been thinking of the positives of not having children and its become the main focus now.

Also what age I want children has changed. I see my friends at 20 with children and im like "they are so young, they wont get to be young again" and yes im a hypocrite but im thankful, it didnt work back then. Im old to my 20 year old self but I feel so young and not ready, even though I thought I was.

We have decided to use protection for safety for the next 2 years, try without for 2 and at 28 if still not pregnant go for ivf.

Am I crazy? I feel guilty almost for now feeling like this. I wanted children for so long, and had such deep depression because I couldn't and now if I was to get pregnant I wouldn't be happy. I know im still young but I just feel as if I will never be ready at this point. All my friends are having children and it just seems so young. Whats changed?

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EverythingCounts · 17/03/2014 00:07

I don't know what's changed, but I think this is a much more positive change than happens for many people in your position. You now have a very positive mindset about the next few years, and a plan for the future that takes in various options, which is all good. And dn't forget it is not that unusual for people to change their mind about these things when young, so don't feel bad about that. The number of things I changed my mind about from my early 20s is huge (and one of those was having children). It happens. Don't feel guilty!

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TOADfan · 17/03/2014 00:13

Thanks everythingcounts guess I just havent been able to think of it as a positive decision, I just feel guilty but I cant put my finger on why. Almost like im betraying myself and all those years of upset and disappointment.

I guess I just have to get it over it and think more positively and know whats meant to be will be.

Hoping I can sleep now. Hate it when things get into your head just gonna have to shut off until the morning.

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/03/2014 05:19

Nothing wrong in liking your life as it is. You're very young to be having children, so no harm in enjoying that for a while. Whether your 2+2 timescale is realistic, I don't know.

If you're going to get married, it makes sense to do it before having children IMO. Children won't give you more time or money for planning weddings.

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MammaTJ · 17/03/2014 05:35

I just think you have adjusted well to getting pregnant not happening.

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innisglas · 17/03/2014 05:48

Sounds great, go for it. Why not enjoy what you have instead of pining for what you can't have?

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Pipbin · 17/03/2014 06:18

I feel the same. I have got blocked tubes and after 3 years of trying and 2 failed IVF attempts I'm not sure if it's what I want. I have one more go at IVF left but I like my life right now. I'm happy. I'm not sure if I want to go through IVF again.

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wannaBe · 17/03/2014 06:34

I ttc a second for six years, then I went away for a week and realised that I wanted more from my life, to go back to work etc plus that a large age gap was looming, and I realised it was time to stop.

I saw it as things happening for a reason and my being unable to get pregnant as a part of that. Three years on I am divorced, and the thought of two children on my own isn't one I want to contemplate...

Don't feel guilty, you wanted to get pregnant but you didn't. Things change, nothing wrong with that.

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Pipbin · 17/03/2014 07:12

Since my last post I've been thinking about this.

I remember when I first started ttcing, and it was taking longer than expected, I was a mess. I wanted a baby so badly, anyone else announced a pregnancy I was in tears, when my period came I was inconsolable for the day. I ached for a baby, I felt that there was a physical gap in my being.
After years of investigations, IVF and not one sniff of a bfp I just don't feel like that anymore.
I think that because most people get pregnant with 12 months they don't get the time to have to come to terms with the idea of never having children.

I feel that long term ttcing and infertility are like grief. You never get over someone dying but the pain becomes part of your everyday life and you just don't notice it anymore.

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Tailtwister1 · 17/03/2014 07:18

I agree, you sound as if you're at peace with where you are right now and that can only be a good thing. I would try not to over analyse things and just accept that it's not what you want right now. You are still very young and not in the position of someone in their late 30's for whom it's a now or never scenario.

I think you sound like you're in a very positive frame of mind and you have worked through your disappointment with not getting pregnant very well.

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Pipbin · 17/03/2014 17:38

Where as I am 38 so it is very much now or never!

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hunreeeal · 17/03/2014 18:46

Would it be possible to freeze some embryos at the clinic now, so they're nice and healthy with you being so young? You'd then have the opportunity to use them in your future treatment.

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TOADfan · 17/03/2014 19:02

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and support.

pipbin im sorry for your troubles too but in a way it is nice to know that what im feeling isnt bad or wrong.

I am just going to accept it for now and see where I am around 28/30 and start really thinking about it then. Still scary though, feels like forever but its not.

hunreeeal I don't think it would be possible. Im overweight so would need to lose quite a lot of weight before it could be considered. I suppose its another reason why I have accepted not having ivf now it just feels like such a struggle.