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to not understand - marriage proposals / taking husbands name.

(94 Posts)
CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:14

I've been trying to get my head around this for a while - why do some women expect a huge romantic traditional proposal and yet are mortally offended at the tradition of taking their husbands name?

Is it hypercritical to pick and choose which traditions to follow or is it perfectly reasonable?

No big proposal here, we had talked about marriage and I asked him on leap day without any fuss and I did take his name.

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 17-Mar-14 14:14:09

Yes, and at one time Mrs. was used for both married and unmarried women as abbreviation for Mistress. Ms. is a more modern abbreviation for Mistress that restores using the same title for both.

tb Mon 17-Mar-14 09:55:45

Re titles, both Miss and Mrs are abbreviations of Mistress - bit like Master for little boys, and Mister for grown up ones.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 17-Mar-14 09:53:38

It isn't just personal choice to change your name. If you are pushed heavily from childhood to see women name changing as normal and correct then it's hard to go against that. Also if your husband to be feels this way too your being told it's 'offensive' to him to not take his name. Then the wider world having that opinion too. It's easier to give in even if it's not a positive thing to do. Most people don't even question because it is such a common thing to do.

limitedperiodonly Mon 17-Mar-14 09:46:14

I didn't change my surname on marriage. Though if it had been Moron I definitely would have done.

wishful75 Mon 17-Mar-14 09:36:53

yabu. Most couples I know decide together to get married and many prefer more intimate personal occasions.

I don't know anyone in my circle who has changed her name. It all boils down to personal choice. I do however know a couple of men who have chosen to take their wife's name.

its ignorant to see a maiden name as the father's name but not to appreciate that the same argument applies to men.

I don't care so much about whether other women take their husbands names as that doesn't really affect me, but the use of Mrs does affect me (as people assume incorrectly that it is my title). So I would like to see everyone else follow in that respect and hope that in my lifetime Ms will be the default title for women in the UK too. By that I don't mean everyone will be forced to use it, I just hope that a majority of women will come round to my way of thinking and it will happen naturally.

OutOfCheeseError Mon 17-Mar-14 08:28:03

I had what some might call a 'big' proposal (down on one knee, sparkly ring, romantic location etc), but that's because it's what my fiancé wanted to do. I'd've happily asked him, or just agreed together and got on with it, but I knew he had this big idea, and it was important to him, so I kept quiet and respected that. I'm not changing my name to his, and he, in turn, respects that.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 07:08:24

What I find is odd is people making a personal decision and then thinking it is the one that everyone should follow.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 07:07:08

I don't find it the least odd. I chose to take my husband's name and I am Mrs. It is personal choice, it is no one else's business, I couldn't care less what others do and it is no big deal.

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 17-Mar-14 02:37:37

I do find the proposal business very odd in this day and age. Thirty years ago DH and I just sort of came to a consensus that we wanted to be married through conversations about the future and where we wanted our relationship to go.

I did not take his name and I am Ms. All of the women I know use Ms, whether or not they took their husband's name, but Ms is essentially the default title for women now in the US so that is not unexpected. Of my close friends, about half did not change their names on marriage. We are all women in our 50s and 60s.

caruthers Mon 17-Mar-14 02:07:49

I genuinely haven't duchesse.

Perhaps it's because I just know traditional people?

duchesse Mon 17-Mar-14 02:04:39

caruthers, really? I hardly know a married woman in my circles who has taken her husband's name.

I certainly haven't. Bizarrely a source of much annoyance to certain members of my family.

May I say what a very strange OP that is. Almost seems designed to rile people.

caruthers Mon 17-Mar-14 01:53:24

I have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Most of the divorced women I know even kept the ex's name after divorce.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:44:34

Here- I'd welcome your thoughts.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:37:18

I've been googling away about disablist language, and I'm going to start a thread in Site Stuff.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 16-Mar-14 22:28:12

"I think it's fine, sensible even, to examine the practices of the past and decide which are worth keeping and which are detrimental and should be done away with."

Why it sensible and worth keeping to make the male propose?

monicalewinski Sun 16-Mar-14 21:59:27



• informal
A stupid person:
‘we can’t let these thoughtless morons get away with mindless vandalism every weekend’


early 20th century (as a medical term denoting an adult with a mental age of about 8–12): from Greek mōron, neuter of mōros 'foolish'.

It originates from adult with low mental age, but is commonly used to mean 'stupid person' (definition from Oxford Dictionary).

monicalewinski Sun 16-Mar-14 21:53:34

I've seen moron being picked up as disablist a few times recently - I've always thought of it as another word for 'stupid' or 'idiot', but apparently it's a bad word.

usualsuspectt Sun 16-Mar-14 21:40:37

Since when has the word 'moron' not been acceptable on MN?

I think most couples just discuss getting married these days. Waiting for a proposal is a bit 1950s.

BOFtastic Sun 16-Mar-14 21:33:22

Have we had a thread recently about the word 'moron'? I noticed that it got deleted as disablist language the other day. But as squoosh says, it has the same root use as 'idiot', which I've never seen anyone object to. What's the thinking on it?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 21:24:30

Oh come off it. Now you just want to fight.
I DID Take it up with them! I was addressing them in the first place. You are the one who responded to my comment to them with your outraged fuck and your line.
I then tell you you are wrong and you carry on fighting me.
I ask you what is more likely. That i am saying it to the person who used the word or the person who did not and you got angrier still.
What happened was you failed to see the remark made to me and so assumed i had plucked a word out of thin air and attributed it to you. When simply flicking back through the thread would have clearly shown who i was talking to you chose not to do that but continue to pretend i was talking to you about that word.
It would have been so much easier for you to say oh i didnt see that other persons comment and i thought you were talking to me. Sorry.
But you just want to fight me about it for some reason. And when i point out you attacked me in error i am the bad guy again.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 21:17:14

Love the way you're taking this up with me, rather than the person who actually said it.
Anyway, apologies for the very rude hijack, OP.
I'll disappear now, because it's entirely unfair to have this ludicrous argument on your actually rather interesting thread.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 21:12:50

Now you are being ridiculous.
At no point did i say you called me a moron.

i responded in a paragraph to the person who did.
i would have thought that was quite clear.
One person calls me a moron.
One person does not.
What is more likely? That i make the comment to the person who used the word or the person who did not?

What is the matter with you?

anothermrssmith Sun 16-Mar-14 21:11:27

I got married within 6 weeks of 4 of my friends (autumn /winter 2012 was a busy one!) and for the proposal none of us girls got the classic BIG proposal. Personally we had talked about marriage but hubby officially asked me at 1am, while in bed drinking a cup of tea! And for us it was perfect.

As for the surname 2 of us changed, 1 didn't and another hyphenated. We all have our reasons for that, I changed as I had a fairly unusual surname that nobody could pronounce never mind spell so going from that to Smith was brilliant! My friend who kept her name is a psychologist who has published articles so for her it made more sense to keep her name and my friend that hyphenated is American where that seems to be much more common than it is here (though I believe hyphenating is becoming much more common here now). No judgement from anyone for any of our decisions we just did what suited us, which is how is should be.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 21:08:09

Oh I see, you are being deliberately obtuse, for reasons entirely unfathomable.
You said I called you a moron. I said I didn't and wouldn't use the word as it's horribly offensive.
You said you wouldn't accept me saying it as it's horribly offensive.
Ha! grin
You are the one throwing around unfounded accusations so may I respectfully suggest you wind your neck in.

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