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to not understand - marriage proposals / taking husbands name.

(94 Posts)
CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:14

I've been trying to get my head around this for a while - why do some women expect a huge romantic traditional proposal and yet are mortally offended at the tradition of taking their husbands name?

Is it hypercritical to pick and choose which traditions to follow or is it perfectly reasonable?

No big proposal here, we had talked about marriage and I asked him on leap day without any fuss and I did take his name.

usualsuspectt Sun 16-Mar-14 21:40:37

Since when has the word 'moron' not been acceptable on MN?

I think most couples just discuss getting married these days. Waiting for a proposal is a bit 1950s.

monicalewinski Sun 16-Mar-14 21:53:34

I've seen moron being picked up as disablist a few times recently - I've always thought of it as another word for 'stupid' or 'idiot', but apparently it's a bad word.

monicalewinski Sun 16-Mar-14 21:59:27



• informal
A stupid person:
‘we can’t let these thoughtless morons get away with mindless vandalism every weekend’


early 20th century (as a medical term denoting an adult with a mental age of about 8–12): from Greek mōron, neuter of mōros 'foolish'.

It originates from adult with low mental age, but is commonly used to mean 'stupid person' (definition from Oxford Dictionary).

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 16-Mar-14 22:28:12

"I think it's fine, sensible even, to examine the practices of the past and decide which are worth keeping and which are detrimental and should be done away with."

Why it sensible and worth keeping to make the male propose?

BOFtastic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:37:18

I've been googling away about disablist language, and I'm going to start a thread in Site Stuff.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:44:34

Here- I'd welcome your thoughts.

caruthers Mon 17-Mar-14 01:53:24

I have never met a woman who didn't take her husbands name.

Most of the divorced women I know even kept the ex's name after divorce.

duchesse Mon 17-Mar-14 02:04:39

caruthers, really? I hardly know a married woman in my circles who has taken her husband's name.

I certainly haven't. Bizarrely a source of much annoyance to certain members of my family.

May I say what a very strange OP that is. Almost seems designed to rile people.

caruthers Mon 17-Mar-14 02:07:49

I genuinely haven't duchesse.

Perhaps it's because I just know traditional people?

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 17-Mar-14 02:37:37

I do find the proposal business very odd in this day and age. Thirty years ago DH and I just sort of came to a consensus that we wanted to be married through conversations about the future and where we wanted our relationship to go.

I did not take his name and I am Ms. All of the women I know use Ms, whether or not they took their husband's name, but Ms is essentially the default title for women now in the US so that is not unexpected. Of my close friends, about half did not change their names on marriage. We are all women in our 50s and 60s.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 07:07:08

I don't find it the least odd. I chose to take my husband's name and I am Mrs. It is personal choice, it is no one else's business, I couldn't care less what others do and it is no big deal.

Delphiniumsblue Mon 17-Mar-14 07:08:24

What I find is odd is people making a personal decision and then thinking it is the one that everyone should follow.

OutOfCheeseError Mon 17-Mar-14 08:28:03

I had what some might call a 'big' proposal (down on one knee, sparkly ring, romantic location etc), but that's because it's what my fiancé wanted to do. I'd've happily asked him, or just agreed together and got on with it, but I knew he had this big idea, and it was important to him, so I kept quiet and respected that. I'm not changing my name to his, and he, in turn, respects that.

I don't care so much about whether other women take their husbands names as that doesn't really affect me, but the use of Mrs does affect me (as people assume incorrectly that it is my title). So I would like to see everyone else follow in that respect and hope that in my lifetime Ms will be the default title for women in the UK too. By that I don't mean everyone will be forced to use it, I just hope that a majority of women will come round to my way of thinking and it will happen naturally.

wishful75 Mon 17-Mar-14 09:36:53

yabu. Most couples I know decide together to get married and many prefer more intimate personal occasions.

I don't know anyone in my circle who has changed her name. It all boils down to personal choice. I do however know a couple of men who have chosen to take their wife's name.

its ignorant to see a maiden name as the father's name but not to appreciate that the same argument applies to men.

limitedperiodonly Mon 17-Mar-14 09:46:14

I didn't change my surname on marriage. Though if it had been Moron I definitely would have done.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 17-Mar-14 09:53:38

It isn't just personal choice to change your name. If you are pushed heavily from childhood to see women name changing as normal and correct then it's hard to go against that. Also if your husband to be feels this way too your being told it's 'offensive' to him to not take his name. Then the wider world having that opinion too. It's easier to give in even if it's not a positive thing to do. Most people don't even question because it is such a common thing to do.

tb Mon 17-Mar-14 09:55:45

Re titles, both Miss and Mrs are abbreviations of Mistress - bit like Master for little boys, and Mister for grown up ones.

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 17-Mar-14 14:14:09

Yes, and at one time Mrs. was used for both married and unmarried women as abbreviation for Mistress. Ms. is a more modern abbreviation for Mistress that restores using the same title for both.

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