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to refuse to host my husband's access to our children?

(85 Posts)
Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:00:33

Hello everyone. It's my first time on AIBU, so please bear with me, although I will endeavour to keep this brief!
Husband and I separated a few months back. He is living with the woman he left me for. We have 3 children. I am a stay at home mum, living in the family home with the children. My husband is a devoted father and sees our girls round here most evenings of the week, plus a day at the weekend. It's great that he's such an involved dad, and I have been happy enough to host the access round here, as I never wanted him to be a 'MacDonalds dad', nor would it be nice for the kids. Reason access has been round here is that I felt it was much too soon for them to meet this other woman, and I wanted to protect the girls from their dad's infidelity. Our eldest is 12 and I feared it would be damaging for her. Funnily enough, husband has been happy to play along, as I don't think he was ready to tell them either! It has all been amicable for the most part.
Thing is, family home has now been sold and the girls and I are moving. Same city, just a different area, to be closer to school and to live in a place with a community feel, like I've always wanted. I was always clear with my husband that when I moved, I would no longer be prepared to host all the access. I explained that the new place would be my territory and my fresh start. How could I move on when my he was still in my life constantly. The lines were bound to be a bit blurry while still at the family home, but I wanted clear boundaries when I moved. I also accepted that in order for this to happen, I was willing to allow the girls to meet Linda (his girlfriend), as enough time would have passed by the time we move.
Now that we have put an offer in on a house, and I have stood by that rule (not easy, when I'm 'just' a SAHM and he's the powerful career person), his toys are being well and truly thrown out of the pram. He is complaining that Linda lives in a 1 bed flat, so how can he possibly accommodate overnight stays (in due course)? Where would he take them weekday evenings, as it's too far to their flat? I have had to harden my heart a bit (not easy for me) and explain that it's not my problem and that he has had months to find a solution. He went mental. He will not accept that he may end up having to see a bit less of the kids through the week. For the first time, I can see that we're probably not going to end up as amicable as I'd hoped.
Forgive me my ignorance on legal matters, but he's threatening to have the house in his name only, as he will be the one paying the mortgage. But what about my security long term? I can see that I'm going to end up feeling like the lodger. After 18 years of marriage, all he cares about is his children. I am glad about this, but saddened for myself.
The past few months have been difficult and have taken an emotional toll on myself. He makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially and the pressure is all on him. This I accept, so have committed to be in work by August, when our youngest starts school.
I feel like he has all the power, because he is the one paying for everything. Am I right to stick to my guns and refuse to host access in the new place? I am very fond of my ex on the whole, but the thought of never being free makes me feel slightly queasy.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate any responses, because at the moment I'm thinking 'is it just me?...'
Thanks so much in advance.

deakymom Mon 17-Mar-14 22:13:49

so in august you will be working? get a house you can afford a mortgage on yourself without him im really not sure this house thing will work out in your favour?

btw he is being totally unreasonable he can take the kids out fgs he sounds like my ex would turn up at the house to see his daughter put my tv on and ask what's for tea angry

foreverondiet Mon 17-Mar-14 19:35:43

He won't necessarily get 50% of equity - court will decide but as you have 3 kids to house you would probably get more. Have you sold the house yet? I agree with everyone else - he is trying to stitch you up. Straight to lawyer... No selling house until you know how equity will be decided. Best to stay in existing house until then but if harassment / emotional abuse you can stop him coming round to existing house.

NonnoMum Mon 17-Mar-14 19:25:25

Hi OP. Just checking in. Hope you've managed to give everything a bit of thought...

Quinteszilla Sun 16-Mar-14 20:54:28

Get your free half hour with as many as the top family lawyers in your area as you can, as then he cant use them, due to conflict of interest.... You can limit his choice a bit this way...

RedHelenB Sun 16-Mar-14 19:10:19

I think you will find that the 30 mins advice is very similar, but it does allow you the chance to see which solicitor suits you best. Also, visit your bank & find out how much of a mortgage you could take on - having control of finances will help you feel separated,. remember, your ex will also need to be adequately housed out of any settlement so the children can spend time with him

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 16-Mar-14 19:02:51

You need to initiate divorce proceedings.

However you should be aware that a court may well place a Martin or Mesher order on any property.

They will take into account your earning potential and the fact you are the primary care giver and split the estate accordingly.

NonnoMum Sun 16-Mar-14 18:51:26

Dieu thanks for coming back to the thread. This isn't going to be easy but by continuing to be strong here will be one less fool of a man who can't have his Linda-cake and eat it.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 16-Mar-14 17:02:57

Remember that the first 30 mins of an initial solicitor consultation is free so in theory you could visit several to get maximum free advice.

Also, once you see a solicitor for advice they then can't represent your estranged husband.So visit several in both of your local areas to limit the legal advice available to him.

If you feel threatened call the police on either 999 or the none emergency number. Change the locks if you need to & don't tell him that you are seeking legal advice.

Be vague about posting details on here in case your ex husband's OW or family members are on here. Dont mention names, locations or specific identifiable details.

Thumbwitch Sun 16-Mar-14 16:12:17

Oh good, you're going to take some action - I really hope that involves proper legal advice. It needs to!

You'll find it hard to keep him out of the new property if he owns it, unless you become his tenant, which will give you certain privacy rights but it will be difficult while you remain married.

A big tip for you - expect the worst from him, in every situation. NEVER give him the benefit of the doubt, because it is a waste of your time and goodwill - he will screw you every which way that you let him. All the while he's getting what he wants, he's likely to play nicely - as soon as you start to cross him, a different side will come out, one you probably won't even recognise as being your STBExH (hopefully!) - because he no longer has to "fit" into your relationship, so he'll stop suppressing the aspects of his character that didn't fit well. So - as I said at the start of this paragraph - expect the worst from him at all times - chances are you won't be disappointed very often sad

caruthers Sun 16-Mar-14 15:56:17

If you don't want him in your home then don't have him in your home...some good advice on here for you to mull over.

rollonthesummer Sun 16-Mar-14 15:40:53

Sell the house and get your share of what it's worth. Get your own flat with the mortgage/rent you can afford from this.

You can't live in a house where he pays the mortgage and bills forever-it's not workeable. Separate your security from him.

FairPhyllis Sun 16-Mar-14 15:28:51

Stop right there. He is trying to stitch you up.

Lawyer up. See several solicitors using free half hour of advice. Talk to solicitor about stopping the house sale. Stay in house. Get proper financial settlement. Divorce husband. Call police if he comes to house and kicks off.

Be prepared for all kinds of shit to be thrown at you by your ex when he realises you are not under his control anymore.

Mothergothel99 Sun 16-Mar-14 15:23:27

Surely at the moment you will be entitled to 75% of the equity. If you move to a house in his name, I doubt you will have as as strong a claim.

Legal advise and divorce. He's trying to pull a fast one, he could move his new women into his new home.

Stop him coming round every night for your sake.

Caitlin17 Sun 16-Mar-14 15:16:26

Proper legal advice.

And I'm assuming the persistent sexual advances aren't welcome? If not make that 100% clear.

Viviennemary Sun 16-Mar-14 15:16:19

I can see why you don't want him in your new house. And you are the wronged person. The difficulty arises because you are financially dependent on him to pay the mortgage he will always have a say. It's difficult.

DomesticDisgrace Sun 16-Mar-14 15:05:37

Aside from the financial end of things I was in your exact position. Ex had been living with me in my house so ended up moving back to his mothers when I threw him out so I hosted his visits to DD, like you almost every evening and weekend.
It was the worst thing for me, seeing him coming in all dressed up knowing he was off out for the evening with the new girlfriend etc. Making small talk etc. It's not the right way to move on!

I decided from the 1st January he wouldn't be able to come here anymore but instead take DD to his mothers house overnight Saturday night, he was raging too but I stood my ground though he tried his best to guilt trip me and I can honestly say it was the best decision ever.II'm finally moving on now and I'm past it all but I wouldn't be if I still had him coming here!

Armadale Sun 16-Mar-14 14:46:54


I agree with all the advice about seeing a solicitor asap, it is very important.

I also think it would also be a good idea to post this in the legal boards this afternoon, there are some knowledgeable posters on there who can give you pointers to help get the most out of your time with your solicitor.

Just as one example- adultery is one of five facts that can be used to prove a marriage has broken down irretrievably in order to grant a divorce but ONLY if after learning of adultery, you have issued a divorce petition within 6 months. Once that time is up, you cannot use the adultery to divorce your spouse.

(Obviously, it is not really important what you divorce this man for, as long as you do so, and the most important thing is to safeguard your financial position, but you might help to get some clarity about what you want to happen legally)

bochead Sun 16-Mar-14 14:45:54

He wants to have an ongoing sexual relationship with BOTH you and the OW. How have you not sussed this out yet?

What you are quite rightly suggesting means that he loses CONTROL of his TOYS.

Do not move, do not pass go without legal advice. In his eyes you are not a person worthy of the slightest consideration, or respect and you exist ONLY to facilitate his whims, no matter at what cost to yourself.

As his wife right now you have RIGHTS that go beyond fulfilling his every fantasy. Ensure your property and pension rights to a relationship in which you have been an equal partner for 18 years are fully protected. After 18 years of supporting his career & raising his children, you deserve more than an old age suffered in penury.

He wanted the other woman and a full relationship with her - that's fine. you deserve a medal for putting your children's emotional well being first throughout all this.

Now it's time for him to OWN his actions. That includes obeying the laws of the land regarding treating you with the respect you deserve as a human being.

The kids need regular contact and for him to step up as their parent, by organising his contact time properly for them. That includes somewhere to take them. If she only has a one bedroom flat, then he needs to find somewhere larger or hire a couple of travel lodge rooms. He cannot continue to expect you to carry him forever in this respect as you aren't his Mum, just the children's.

His new woman needs to step up and begin to build a relationship with her partners children. You have a relationship with someone who has kids, you take on the kids in some capacity too. (Do not be suprised if this new relationship doesn't last btw as he doesn't appear to have thought through the ramifications of leaving you at all!)

You need the space, and privacy to heal your own wounds and perhaps in time to form a loving, caring passionate bond with a man that does love and respect you in the way you deserve to be loved. Your kids need to see you have that opportunity to grow and move on as a person beyond being the just ex-husband's satellite for their own long term emotional growth too. (I'm thinking now to when they look back and reflect in decades to come, not next week btw!)

I'm so sorry it's come to this, as you sound like a wonderful person, but it really is time to "go legal on his ass!".

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 14:45:28

Op, we expect to see an update from you tomorrow telling us about your legal advice. (Looks sternly over glasses). thanks

Whathaveiforgottentoday Sun 16-Mar-14 14:38:34

Good advice given on here. Absolutely do not plan on letting him in your new house/ or if possible your current house. When you move you will need to start rebuilding your life and that means him staying out of it and giving you space. He left so it really is his problem.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 16-Mar-14 14:32:43

YANBU in your current contact arrangements or in your plan for the future.

YWBU to make serious financial decisions without independent legal advice. I agree with everyone else that it's a priority.

Babyroobs Sun 16-Mar-14 14:21:39

Surely the equity from the sale of the maritial home should have been split to enable you to set up on your own or rent somewhere. It seems odd that he is paying the mortgage on a new home. I would see a soliciter.

UncleT Sun 16-Mar-14 14:09:09

Oh, and persistent sexual advances?? That wouldn't go down well in court. Document every single unreasonable bit of behaviour you can, including every time you're on the receiving end of such advances.

UncleT Sun 16-Mar-14 14:07:32

Get advice. Professional legal advice. You sound like you have been more than reasonable in the circumstances, whereas he has not. His threats are quite possibly not likely to end well for him, but you must get a solicitor. As already stated, HE left you for another, he has had time to make a plan.

rumbleinthrjungle Sun 16-Mar-14 13:34:24

My DF did this. angry Wanted all the fun and freedom of his new relationship and bachelor pad but wife and children still in his family home as normal so he could visit as he wanted and no divorce/keeping financial control. Effectively no nasty consequences for his choices and nothing had changed for him, he just had everything the way he wanted.

DM divorced him. He wasn't pleased to put it mildly, but that was entirely his problem. Your ex needs to wake up to the reality that his leaving means separating the assets, each of you starting your own separate lives with your own homes, and establishing somewhere the children can visit him is his problem. He doesn't get to expect he can pay for you (and therefore control you) to keep running his home and family without him so he can wander in and out as he pleases.

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