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to refuse to host my husband's access to our children?

(85 Posts)
Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:00:33

Hello everyone. It's my first time on AIBU, so please bear with me, although I will endeavour to keep this brief!
Husband and I separated a few months back. He is living with the woman he left me for. We have 3 children. I am a stay at home mum, living in the family home with the children. My husband is a devoted father and sees our girls round here most evenings of the week, plus a day at the weekend. It's great that he's such an involved dad, and I have been happy enough to host the access round here, as I never wanted him to be a 'MacDonalds dad', nor would it be nice for the kids. Reason access has been round here is that I felt it was much too soon for them to meet this other woman, and I wanted to protect the girls from their dad's infidelity. Our eldest is 12 and I feared it would be damaging for her. Funnily enough, husband has been happy to play along, as I don't think he was ready to tell them either! It has all been amicable for the most part.
Thing is, family home has now been sold and the girls and I are moving. Same city, just a different area, to be closer to school and to live in a place with a community feel, like I've always wanted. I was always clear with my husband that when I moved, I would no longer be prepared to host all the access. I explained that the new place would be my territory and my fresh start. How could I move on when my he was still in my life constantly. The lines were bound to be a bit blurry while still at the family home, but I wanted clear boundaries when I moved. I also accepted that in order for this to happen, I was willing to allow the girls to meet Linda (his girlfriend), as enough time would have passed by the time we move.
Now that we have put an offer in on a house, and I have stood by that rule (not easy, when I'm 'just' a SAHM and he's the powerful career person), his toys are being well and truly thrown out of the pram. He is complaining that Linda lives in a 1 bed flat, so how can he possibly accommodate overnight stays (in due course)? Where would he take them weekday evenings, as it's too far to their flat? I have had to harden my heart a bit (not easy for me) and explain that it's not my problem and that he has had months to find a solution. He went mental. He will not accept that he may end up having to see a bit less of the kids through the week. For the first time, I can see that we're probably not going to end up as amicable as I'd hoped.
Forgive me my ignorance on legal matters, but he's threatening to have the house in his name only, as he will be the one paying the mortgage. But what about my security long term? I can see that I'm going to end up feeling like the lodger. After 18 years of marriage, all he cares about is his children. I am glad about this, but saddened for myself.
The past few months have been difficult and have taken an emotional toll on myself. He makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially and the pressure is all on him. This I accept, so have committed to be in work by August, when our youngest starts school.
I feel like he has all the power, because he is the one paying for everything. Am I right to stick to my guns and refuse to host access in the new place? I am very fond of my ex on the whole, but the thought of never being free makes me feel slightly queasy.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate any responses, because at the moment I'm thinking 'is it just me?...'
Thanks so much in advance.

Morgause Sun 16-Mar-14 08:07:03

He created the situation and has to live with the consequences. YANBU to want your new home to be your space.

In your place I'd be looking for work ASAP before he turns even nastier.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 08:10:03

It sounds as if you are sadly lacking in legal advice. Get to the solicitor as soon as you can, definitely before the house purchase completes.

silverten Sun 16-Mar-14 08:10:12

Morally I think you are in the right to want your space.

I should think legally you're in a fairly good position, but can't say with certainty. I bet someone else will be able to help soon though!

Well done for being a grown up about this- he sounds pretty horrible to me.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:38

Oh, and ask Mumsnet to move this to Relationships before the usual AIBU crowd come on and start attacking you for not making more effort to allow this nasty piece of work access to his children.

petalsandstars Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:46

Have you got the ball rolling with a solicitor? Is the house part of a financial settlement?

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:48

I assume the house is you settlement in the divorce so your solicitor should be ensuring the title is in your name only. Then get you solicitor to write as mine did a clear letter stating how contact will take place ie. away from your home.
He will throw lots of things like what if the kids need something you have to stick to the they will survive and learn to take it with them next time.

MeepMeepVrooom Sun 16-Mar-14 08:15:05

So he is buying your new house and paying the mortgage? confused

Rauma Sun 16-Mar-14 08:15:56

As a husband and father all I can say is YANBU his attitude stinks, do not let him play the guilt card. Your new house, your new rules.

You should like an amazing woman, personally in your situation ii would have been far less cooperative!

Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:16:23

Gosh, that was quick, thanks everyone. Divorce hasn't been mentioned thus far, as it's still a bit soon. Peekingduck, I have neither the strength or energy for that! I have done everything in my power to allow him to see his kids, to the point where I feel a bit of a mug. I have put myself last ... until now.

attheendoftheday Sun 16-Mar-14 08:16:27

YANBU, I think you need to see a solicitor for advice.

Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:18:30

Slow typist, thanks again everyone. Yes Meep, he is, as I don't have the financial means to do it. Not until August anyway, but even then I'll earn a fraction of what he does. He agreed to the move too.

hoboken Sun 16-Mar-14 08:21:21

What rights will you have if the new house is in his name? Hie thee to a solicitor, pronto.

olympicsrock Sun 16-Mar-14 08:21:46

You are being completely reasonable. I would see a solicitor about your financial affairs.

Sirzy Sun 16-Mar-14 08:23:08

I think you need to get legal avice about both the house and the custody side of things

Realistically the seeing them every night side probably won't be practical to carry on now so you need to find an arrangement which does work for the children. Perhaps one evening a week and every other weekend or whatever they are comfy with.

Good luck!

GoodnessIsThatTheTime Sun 16-Mar-14 08:25:15

Why is he paying the mortgage?

It didn't sound like a proper split of assets.

I worry that you will be tied him if this is the case as you are ultimately living inbhis house

youmakemydreams Sun 16-Mar-14 08:25:18

You need legal advice and I mean get onto it Monday morning.
yanbu to stop facilitating access in your new home at all but him paying for this house is blurring so many lines for him. He believes it gives him the right to dictate the terms and that is absolutely not on. You need your space now to move on with your life without him in it. In the dc's yes but not in yours.

You need to sort out the legal aspect asap before you move into this house.

RandomMess Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:08

yes you definitely need to see a solicitor. Are you selling the family home to release equity to him or to reduce the mortgage payments?

In some ways you may be better staying put and sorting out the long term financials.

Either way absolutely stop hosting his access as he has now clearly shown his true colours.

Sidge Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:45

You need legal advice ASAP. Do not continue with a house purchase until you have done so.

You don't have to get divorced yet but I don't see why you wouldn't if he is living with someone else and you have no intention of getting back together.

And no, I wouldn't let him have contact in the new house either.

MrsSquirrel Sun 16-Mar-14 08:27:37

YANBU at all, it's the right thing to do. I agree you need to get legal advice, pronto, before the house purchase completes.

His constant 'digs' sound like emotional abuse. The persistent sexual advances sound like sexual harassment. You are right to distance yourself from him.

Talk to your solicitor about starting the divorce processs. They will be able to advise you about the best way to ensure your security long term.

Peekingduck Sun 16-Mar-14 08:27:41

Oh Op, don't discuss this with him any more, it will only cloud your thinking. Get yourself urgently to a solicitor and some proper advice.

IAmNotDarling Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:49

OP you are well and truly being stitched up by this man.
There needs to be a proper legal agreement on place.

Please see a solicitor on Monday.

MeepMeepVrooom Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:45

Yup definitely get legal advice. You need to find out where you stand. Was the last house in joint name?

meddie Sun 16-Mar-14 08:33:46

As others have said. Get legal advice.
As for the digs about you being a sahp. By doing so you allowed his career to flourish by being one.

longjane Sun 16-Mar-14 08:35:53



go to lawyer Monday

Get the divorce started

Get you benefits sorts go to job centre

Tell him not to come to famliy house again
Call police if he does.

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