to not expect ex P to read an email I was composing on my phone ( and which mentioned him)(19 Posts)
After coming round to collect the children and giving me a lecture about boundaries (I had asked if he could possibly help with a pipe problem- which with the benefit of hindsight I should not have done), he then read an email on my phone in the kitchen which I was in the middle of writing to a friend.
I had mentioned that I had a night of freedom, that I was looking forward to him having the kids, and to buying his own place. I had also said that I didn't really like having him round to pick them up, but was happy to do it as it was good for the kids.
Yes, I agree it was tempting - I had foolishly not turned the phone off. But I don't think he should have done it and then thrown it back in my face? Am I unreasonable to have expected him not to read it? I did not leave it there on purpose - it was just recharging and I had expected that he was in the middle of leaving.
you shouldn't be in his gaff recharging your phone - he shouldnt be reading your message
YANBU and I would explain to him that as a result his pick ups and drop offs would take place on the doorstop from now on. See how he likes those boundaries.
It sounds like it's your Ex that needs a lecture in boundaries! Asking for help to fix something in the home his kids live in is perfectly normal and not forcing any kind of boundary.
Going through your phone behind your back when he is colleccting the children is a whole different kettle of fish. I would be livid, especially after the boundaries lecture.
Thank you folks. I do have trouble with boundaries - I'm far too generous and he's always telling me where I'm going wrong!!! I take it cos of the kids, cos I don't want to cause a big upset, but it gets me down really.
He's got a nerve lecturing you about boundaries then snooping through your phone! I sincerely hope you pointed that out to him.
If he cant be trusted in your home, maybe he shouldnt come in it again.
This is one of the many (many, many) reasons I refused to let my ex come into the house to pick up the kids - in fact he stole personal stuff from the house and taunted me with it.
Nip it in the bud now - handovers at the door, or send the kids out to him if they're old enough. You don't need shit like this - it only gets worse.
Tbh you can't have it always. Talking about changeovers being at the doorstep but expect him to be a handyman when you have maintenance issues.......
Yeah, that's right. I think in some ways I do want us to be "friends". - ie he helps me out, I help him out. But realistically (and particularly as his inconsistency and moods were part of the reason we split), I need to rethink.
He looks after the kids here one day a week as his place isn't big enough. But he's buying somewhere of his own soon, and then the boundaries will have to be drawn much clearer.
Don't be his friend
Doorstep handovers from now on
If he grumbles well tough
What an arse
No put a stop to him seeing the children at your home
He takes the children somewhere, it's confusing for the children and not fair on you to have your space invaded
He is an adult, stop enabling and enmeshing, sorry for harshness!
I think he behaved very badly by reading your phone, but it is better for the children if they see that you and their father are friends, and a doorstep handover is not the best way for that to happen. (However tempting)
Harshness is OK! I have enabled him for a long time (he was/is an alcoholic), so even though I have managed to get out, I'm conscious that I still do it. i.e., I bend over backwards, and he pushes me a little further by taunting me with what I do wrong. I still try to keep him happy. Wrong I know.
Obviously this sort of bullying behaviour is why he's your X!! The advice given above is spot on. Doorstep handovers. Have every thing ready, coats/shoes/bags... then stand in your doorway, blocking him. I can understand honeywitchs point but if it is done quietly, ie 'Oh here they are...ready for you...have fun kids' then the DCs shouldn't suspect any thing is amiss. I am so angry on your behalf. Good luck.
Friendly but not friends. Let that be your mantra. Being an alcoholic, he will have some skills in the manipulation department...
Thanks. He really is a master of manipulation. He knows I want to keep things friendly for the sake of the kids, so he pushes me as far as he can. He fixes me with a really cold look and tells me where my life is so pitiful. Today he told me how a mutual friend of ours (who he'd just bumped into), was so boring and "fake", he was so glad he didn't have to put up with her any more. As if that had anything to do with anything. And it's scarcely my responsibility whether she is mrs interesting or not!?!
Thanks for all your comments. I agree I need to keep him at arms length. I can drop the kids off at his, and he can come here just to get them. I don't want him here when I'm here, and I don't want his venom.
I don't personally think it's unreasoanble that you ask for help with some kind of DIY problem if you believe that he will be able to help but you can only do that if the boundaries are incredibly tight and you trust the ex not to abuse being in your home. I know my ex would help with anything I asked him to but he would have ulterior motives for doing so - mainly, getting into my house and seeing what I have/don't have, and having a good look around for evidence of my (alleged) piss poor parenting.
So...he stays on the doorstep. I pay insurance for the electric, boiler, heating, plumbing and small applicances, the AA for the car.. I have found a builder, handyman and car mechanic I trust and in the event of dire emergency, I know my next door neighbour wouldn't mind me borrowing her husband! I have learnt to put together furniture and man-handle large items upstairs (not damaged the decoration yet!).
Once you put the boundary in place and you are clear where the lines are, you will feel much safer and more in control. You're not friends - so don't tell him any detail of your life. Become an enigma - it drives 'em nuts!
mumandboys, thanks. The problem is that he lulls me into a false sense of security at times. He can be incredibly nice, kind, "normal", and just when I get used to it enough then he turns the tables on me. I should have learnt my lesson- he's been like this for the last 10 years or so!!! But I do keep falling for it- I keep thinking, ah yes, maybe it will be ok this time.
Thanks for the advice re being an enigma- it seems a great plan. I'm too open ( also the kids tell him everything!)
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