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Aibu to want to cry over ds constantly pooing his pants?

(76 Posts)
kaymondo Sat 15-Mar-14 07:49:44

Ds is 3.8 and is consistently pooing in his pants/pull ups. This has been an ongoing issue since he was potty trained a year ago. I've tried everything and just don't know where to go next. It is the most frustrating thing I've had to deal with as a parent and my patience seems to be waning. He is choosing to do this, as opposed to it being a physical issue or him not knowing he needs to go. I know this because we've had a couple of spells of a few weeks where he's had no accidents and used the toilet. Then he reverts and goes back to the pants. I am at the end of my tether. In all other respects he is a bright articulate little bit, no sn's, I just can't see where we've gone wrong. He goes to nursery/preschool at the moment and they are at a loss too. My main concern is that he starts proper school in sept and whilst pre school are set up to deal with accidents, I'm not sure they'll be so understanding once he goes into school proper.

After getting up this morning to find he'd wet his bed and pooed in his pull up I just want to cry.

I've tried ignoring it, bribery, poo goes to Pooland. Just don't know where to go now.

Sorry not really an aibu but posted in toilet training before and got no response so here for the traffic.

deakymom Sat 15-Mar-14 07:58:34

rewards? if he goes on the potty give him a reward if he doesn't ignore?

sounds hard but dont make a big fuss dont even tell him your going to reward him personally if i tell my son if he does abc he will get xyz he will sabotage it! no idea why

have a discussion with him about going to school explain no one else poos in there pants x

kaymondo Sat 15-Mar-14 08:07:52

We do the rewards thing - doesn't really work, or he'll use the toilet until he gets the reward and then go back to his pants - as I say, he is making the choice to soil himself.

I am constantly trying to explain to him that it won't be acceptable at school and that none of the other Children will do it but it seems to go in one ear and out the other hmm

Itsaburrdiee Sat 15-Mar-14 08:08:11

No ideas, just support. My dd is the same age and due to constipation issues has to be in pull ups. She has no control over bowel movements and despite being fully toilet trained at just over 2 now also wets her pants. it's very frustrating and worrying. We're fortunate in that we're in Scotland and she won't start school for another year. Nursery are a bit more understanding.

Is it worth leaving his lower half bare when at home to encourage him to use the toilet?

Littlefish Sat 15-Mar-14 08:08:42

Is it a full poo, or just small amounts each time?

Mumof3xx Sat 15-Mar-14 08:09:43

We had this with one of our boys

Bribery worked for us. Something he really really loves to do is play on a computer.

He had to poo on the toilet if he wanted computer time. It did work for us

henryhorrid Sat 15-Mar-14 08:09:55

It may well not be deliberate, it is so common to be witholding. Having periods of being Ok does not discount this. The night time wetting can be linked too. Child can have lost full control with constipation without any hard stools ever being passed and without you being aware of any straining. If this is the case there may be nothing he can do about it so reward charts will be more distressing as he cannot achieve it. Try sitting him on toilet 15 minutes after every meal whether he wants to go or not and reward for trying.

EverythingsDozy Sat 15-Mar-14 08:11:31

We were told to make our DD clean herself up, to see how long it takes and that time is taken out of play time.
We also made up a story about the poo going on an adventure...blush It went down the pipes and to the sea. Poo that goes in pants doesn't go on an adventure, you see smile

Allofaflumble Sat 15-Mar-14 08:12:08

Would it be worth a try when you can stay home for a couple of days to say "now you are a big boy, no more pull ups".

I knew a boy, older than your boy with s n and I was baby sitting one night and we got to talking about the nappies/pull ups and he told me he did it as he could not be bothered to go to the toilet!

I think they do it because its comfy iyswim- good luck. PS. When the parents of my boy made the decision to stop the pull ups it all stopped. Worth a try?

cathyandclaire Sat 15-Mar-14 08:13:02

What about sitting him on the loo at the same time every day? it's better after a meal 'cos then the bowel is stimulated to go, just let him relax for ten mins or so (not pushing or anything just read him a story, or chat ) and gradually his body can be trained to go then... I know people who it's worked for smile

FourAndDone Sat 15-Mar-14 08:13:28

My Ds did this, he is 7 now and thankfully grew out of it a couple of years ago. It is horrible and made me very angry, but obviously showing Ds that I felt that way didn't help. I'm afraid to say it took a lot of time and bribery (often big expensive toyshmm) and let him go to the shop and choose some nice character pants, tell him that if he soils them then they will go in the bin. Shitty pants cannot be cleaned in this house!

Spinaroo Sat 15-Mar-14 08:16:52

I would remove the night time pull up- we also had something similar- the withholding and then lots of dirty pants when he just had to go at about age 3. . But he did wet his pull up either during the night or every morning before we got to him. At age 4 and going to school in eight months, we removed it- it didn't work immediately but it did work

RuddyDuck Sat 15-Mar-14 08:18:12

My son did this until he was 4. Part of it was laziness - he'd be playing a game and couldn't be bothered to go to the loo to pee or poo. However, we also realised when he was about 5 that he had a mild lactose intolerance. If he had quite a lot of dairy in one day then he had very loose poo and he didn't get to the loo in time.

I felt really bad when the paediatric dietician confirmed it and taught us how to manage it because I'd been getting so cross with him about it. The fact that it was quite mild meant we didn't make the connectin for ages, so it might be worth thinking about whether there is a dietary trigger for your ds.

kaymondo Sat 15-Mar-14 08:19:45

Thanks for the ideas. Re pull ups, he only wears them at night for sleep -I was planning to stop using them but then realised he is actually wetting during the night when he's sleeping so thought he hadn't got the right hormone yet to get through the night dry.

Interesting about the withholding, I just assumed because he can have literally weeks of no accidents that this was unlikely. We've had times where there is a mark in his pants so you know he needs to go, I've sat him on the toilet and he's cried and screamed that he doesn't need to go and then within 2 min of him getting off he's done it in his pants - that's what makes me think it isn't necessarily a physical issue.

He is very resistant to going to the toilet for a try - even when he needs to go he will automatically say no if it suggested that he tries (ie before we get in the car etc).

It is sometimes full poos - sometimes he lets it out in little bits. So when he is using the toilet he'll have one, perhaps two,poos a day. When he's soiling it can be 4/5 times so guessing he's not going in one go iyswim

Treaclepot Sat 15-Mar-14 08:22:27

My 3.9 year old would never manage without a nappy at night though she has been completely dry in the day since 2.1, its hard to stop a pull up at night sometimes.

Does he ever wear pull ups in the day? This is very confusing for them.
Tr and not make a thing of it, even though it is really annoying my eldest used to wet himself for the reaction.

It will end soon!

Treaclepot Sat 15-Mar-14 08:22:56


Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Sat 15-Mar-14 08:22:58

Is there any chance he is constipated, or has been in the past and is now witholding until he can't? This is so common, I had no idea until DS went to school (he's got it under control now, but is still on Movicol) but it affects at least 3 other children in his class, too.

kaymondo Sat 15-Mar-14 08:23:55

Should say that I do not clean poo pants either - they go straight in the bin, even his favourite fireman Sam boxer shorts.

Maybe i need to bite the bullet and lose the night time pull up - at least the weathers getting better for drying bedding.

byhec Sat 15-Mar-14 08:24:48

We had this with my daughter. Worked out she was a little bit constipated and didn't have patience to sit on the loo. Fruit with every meal made the difference for us.

Don't worry you'll get there eventuallly x

kaymondo Sat 15-Mar-14 08:26:17

I don't think he's constipated - I'd be surprised given the amount of fruit he eats.

SmeeHee Sat 15-Mar-14 08:27:38

I had similar with DS2, particular with the rewards working but as soon as we stopped them (thinking he'd got it) going back to poos in pants. So we kept up with the rewards for longer, going straight from one thing to "what do you want to get for the next 10 stickers" (we bought a collection of small toys that he wanted all together so he knew that there were lots to "earn").

It wasn't immediate and we lost a few more pairs of pants along the way but, when the rewards ran out, using the toilet for poos had become normal for him and we haven't had any issues since.

Hope that you find a way to help your DS.

willitbe Sat 15-Mar-14 08:30:47

I agree with Henryhorrid - be careful there is a possibility of constipation. It sounds very similar to many oldest ds, holding back lead to him having overflow soiling (leaking poo) which was a little intermittent. My son stopped what I thought was wilful soiling at age 4.5. But unfortunately continued to have occasional leakage accidents.

At age 9 finally constipation was diagnosed and we are still dealing with the consequences 18 months later.

Do not make my mistake and assume that ability to hold when strong bribery means that soiling at other times is wilful. Get him checked for constipation first. Constipation I learned does not mean that poo is hard and difficult to pass, the blockage can be higher up.

I hope you get a resolution soon.

woollybobs Sat 15-Mar-14 08:31:48

Could he be doing it for attention. Children like attention whether it is positive or negative.

I would try ignoring him when he poos in his pants and clean him up in silence. If he poos in the toilet give him loads of over the top praise.

I am a nurserynurse and years ago I had a little girl who wet her pants everytime I covered in the room. No one could understand why until one day it clicked. The first time she wet I took her in bathroom reasured her it was ok and chatted and sang together. She enjoyed her 1-1 time with me and soon realised if she wet she got me too herself.

This may not be the answer for you but worth a thought.

kaymondo Sat 15-Mar-14 08:32:06

Think I will reintroduce rewards too - just gets expensive as the things that will motivate ds are not necessarily small - still at this rate I will pay almost anything to save my sanity!

Sorry, realise I sound a bit negative about some of things suggested- it's just that this has been going on for so long now that I have tried most things.

I think laziness and attention seeking are big factors if I'm honest.

Nerris Sat 15-Mar-14 08:33:19

I feel for you. I had this with my daughter for nearly 9 months. It's so hard. I was changing pooey knickers and trousers sometimes 3 times a day, it really got me down.

In the end we used a treat system and went mad with praise if she pooed in the potty. If we noticed her pooing whilst playing we would whip her on to the potty. Basically potty training all over again.

Accidents do happen at night anyway, but I would get rid of the pull-ups, they might be confusing him as to where he can/should poo.

As hard as it is try not to get cross or teary or even make a big deal of it at all. It crossed my mind that my daughter may have started doing it for attention (she had a young baby sister on the scene too).

Good luck and don't despair, it's not that uncommon, but it is hard for you.

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