To think that this father is overly obsessed with his daughter?(108 Posts)
Long post, really sorry.
I began a relationship with a man who seemed really quite sweet at first, really kind, understanding, funny and easy to talk to. He's in his late 20's and has a young daughter under 5.
At the time we met, he revealed that he and the mother of his child had been in a long-term relationship since his teens (over 10 years) and she is quite a bit older than him - they had outgrown each other apparently but had a civil relationship. What he didn't tell me immediately was that he had been married/divorced to this woman. He had been single for two years prior to meeting me and only had two very brief flings. But he was ready to settle down.
To begin with things went really well, he appeared to be a devoted dad. He lives close to his ex and sees his daughter often - on an almost daily basis. He has pictures of her and toys all over the house, T-shirts with her face on that he showed me. His profile picture on WhatsApp, is of her and only ever of her. He does not socialise with friends unless his daughter is present and it's a family type affair. Now I am already a mother, so it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to see.
However, some time into the relationship I started to notice that if he even went a day without seeing his daughter when he wanted to it would affect his mood, he would make angry comments about father's for justice/his rights and whatnot and become stroppy. He told me once that looking into her eyes he could see 'things' (relating to love ones he had lost, or something...his late nan had taught him) and that I wouldn't 'get' it as most people don't. And he made a series of inappropriate comparisons to his daughter when listing the most important people in his life, telling me once that only she could ever 'hurt' him.
At one point his ex informed him that she was going abroad for 3 weeks to see family, she gave him plenty of advance notice. He became immediately angry and depressed by this, told me he was going to bed and began to act like someone who was grieving. He told me that without her he had nothing, and that I wouldn't understand. He went silent on me on/off for 3 weeks, and began writing tortured statuses about what he was going through so I gave him time alone, and once his daughter returned he went back to normal like it had never happened.
Over a period of time...probably too long, I felt that there was just no future between us (there were also other factors involved) so I ended it. He didn't want to end it but we had a discussion and he said he understood.
A month later I found out I was pregnant. When I told him about the baby (a girl) he was upset and attempted to hide it from his family...so I told them myself. I later found out I'd annoyed him even further because he was apparently in the hospital with his daughter when I told them and that had offended him (?)
He subsequently told me that he has a daughter already, and he couldn't imagine loving any child like he loves her (this is despite the fact he works in teaching, has two nieces and a goddaughter who calls him dad and he seems to adore them all, takes them out as a group etc.). He has subsequently advised his family not to communicate with me and wants nothing to do with this child who is due in a matter of weeks.
The last contact I had with him, I was told "good luck and all the best with your future". Is there something wrong here...I just don't get it.
It's horrible, but I think you should probably be a bit relieved- he sounds like very hard work and it looks as though your daughter will never live up to his first one
I'm not sure I do either tbh...
Why did you allow yourself to get pregnant by such an oddball? Sorry, I'm not trying to be unhelpful but it sounds like you've been unsure of him for a while.
I think you're best off out of it, to be honest. He sounds a hundred different kinds of weird.
Lots of luck with your baby. [flowes]
There's no point in looking for an explanation for other folks weirdness.
At least you won't have to deal with him if he's not interested. Small blessings.
he sounds really really odd i think you had a lucky escape
Good god he sounds like a total weirdo.
I would cease all communication with him to be honest.
Not a completely lucky escape...she's pregnant with his baby!
intrigued As you mention that it is also his child, surely he has got to man-up to his real-world responsibilities, whatever his strong head-in-the-clouds
extremely weird obsessive feelings are towards his other child?
You still need practical support, don't you?
He may feel he can easily pick and choose over "well, I love this person but I can't imagine that person" ... um .... that he helped to create??? but he isn't the important one, that child is the priority.
The convenient 'fob-off' good luck and all that, doesn't necessarily have to be the last of it, even if he thinks it will just wash his hands of the situation.
It isn't about "what have I done wrong?", its about him being brought back to reality - either via CSA or by both of you negotiating (a) financial support for your child (b) arrangements for him to have a relationship with that child, who at least have the right to that as a starting point (whether he will be a good father is up to him).
Or have I got it all wrong ....
formerbabe - that's where I'm coming from - lucky escape hasn't got anything to do with it!
Definitely a lucky escape and a very unique and unnatural obsession with his elder daughter!!!! Make sure you get what you deserve via csa and then thank your lucky stars!
Lucky escape for your dd. I think you should be glad.
Keep that last message...
Now, have the kid and F Off to somewhere he can't find you.
He is weird and you don't need it! Nor will your daughter!
There are elements of this which seem perfectly normal - he is a devoted dad who isn't happy with the fact that he doesn't live with his daughter and overcompensates for that in ways which seem inappropriate.
His refusal to engage with your pregnancy might be a means to protect himself from this situation occurring again. He already knows that he will not be able to live with your child, and presumably would find it very hard to split his time between two daughters, especially given how attentive he is to his first child.
Whilst I can see that this was a destructive relationship for you, and that his behaviour since you split has been rude and dismissive, I don't necessarily think that his relationship with his daughter is that weird. If my son was going away for three weeks without my say so, I think I would be sad whilst he was away and be dreading it from the moment I knew until the he was back - I might not mope around or make such a performance out of it, but I would miss him terribly and probably be pretty down in the run-up to his departure until he returned.
The stuff about looking in her eyes and ranking everyone behind her in terms of whether they could hurt him is a bit odd, but maybe he is just expressing himself poorly or trying too hard to cement their bond.
Are you going to try to encourage him to have a relationship with the child? If so, how, it doesn't seem like he wants to - what can you do in this situation?
His poor ex-wife. Imagine having to deal with an ex like that? For 18 years!
OP, RUN LIKE THE WIND
The way he has treated you is dreadfful. You are well rid of him. He sounds a bit emotionally unstable to me. And I agree with the poster who said there is sometimes no explanation for other people's weirdness.
He does very strange. He might change when the baby arrives.
He sounds obsessed! Poor child. I hope whatever kind of contact he eventually has with your dd you keep a close eye on things
"Now, have the kid and F Off to somewhere he can't find you.
He is weird and you don't need it! Nor will your daughter!"
You've dodged a bullet. Make sure it stays that way. A relationship between your child and this man won't end well. She'll either be rejected, as per his messages to you, or he'll turn about face and try to suffocate her by making her his reason for existing just as he has his other child. Whichever it is your child will have a very dysfunctional, uneasy and unhappy time of it and you will be in the middle trying to second guess his every whim and mood.
I don't say this lightly
Don't put him on the birth cert. Just move, get away while you have the chance.
Does he have mental health issues? Some of what you've said has struck a chord with how my sister is with my DD when she is having a difficult period.
He sounds very strange and extremely over the top. I think your lucky not to be in a relationship with him anymore but at the same time, your daughter when she's born, has the right to have contact with her father. I think you could try and see how it goes but make an early decision as to whether the relationship is beneficial for her or not. If not then wash your hands of him for good.
He might come round. When I had my first baby and was pregnant with my second I used to have moments when I secretly wondered how I could love another child. Obviously I realised as soon as my second DS was born that I was capable of loving them both totally and equally but there was a point when I was unsure. He might also just need to be given a chance with your DD and maybe he'll also fall in love with her.
The intensity of his love for his first DD is totally inappropriate. I'd be wary and keep an eye on the relationship with your own DD should you choose to allow him in her life. Nip it in the bud if he starts getting weird.
Out of curiosity, how old is his first DD and how does she respond to his over eagerness?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.