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To think this wasn't my or my sons fault?

(27 Posts)
Haveacwtch Thu 13-Mar-14 19:18:07

I need a bit of perspective please!

My ds is 2. My df looked after them both this afternoon when I worked (3.5 hours). When I went to pick them up my dad asked for a chat.

Apparently my 2 year old was a nightmare. Not listening, throwing tantrums etc. I have spoken to my mil who has him on another day and she has said he is good as gold for her as he is for me (bar usual tantrums but he is two)

My dad's house has a back garden with a paved area that gos straight to the front which had a gate. My ds was on his scooter and in a minute had managed to get round the front and out of the gate and was in a car park which is right by his house.

My dad was very panicked and it was my eldest son who alerted him.

Apparently this was caused by ds not listening and being naughty. I said that he should never have been in a position where he could have gone out. He is two. He has no sense of danger and that if anyone was at fault it was my dad not my son. Yes he shouldn't have done it as was told not to open the gate.

After a ten minute chat about how badly heaved he is and how I am letting him get out of control he said he would still have him but only because he didn't want to let me down.

I have made alternative childcare arrangements.

In my dad's eyes my ds is at fault but predominately me for not disciplining him better. In my eyes it's a safety issue.

Either way I don't want to leave him there as I need to know he's safe but also can't be doing with hearing what a naughty boy he is.

So is he expecting a lot of a two year old? Thanks all

KiwiBanana Thu 13-Mar-14 19:21:41

Of course he's expecting too much! I don't know a single 2 year old that would have the sense not to go out the gate, even the really sensible ones might try it.

It's down to the carer to make sure everything is safe for the child and to be keeping a close eye on them.

gilliangoof Thu 13-Mar-14 19:23:22

He should never have been able to get out of the garden. It was probably stressful for your dad especially if he isn't used to looking after little ones but it was definitely his responsibility to keep your 2 year old safe not your 2 year old's.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 13-Mar-14 19:24:14

He's 2! The only thing that you can be certain of is that he will pick his nose and poo his pants!

Your DF needs a reality check.

TheBody Thu 13-Mar-14 19:27:48

of course your son isn't responsible, he's 2.

I think either your df has forgotten how normal 2 year old boys behave of he was do panicked at the incident and potential disaster he vented it into you. but like smacking a child you have just pulled back from the path if a car because they ran off.

your mil may just be more aware of a 2 year olds normal behaviour.

I think you are right to make alternative arrangements until ds is a bit older and your dad can cope.

my lads at 2 would have behaved exactly the same.

Glasshammer Thu 13-Mar-14 19:28:07

I would give instructions to keep the gate closed to a two year old. However the responsibility is essentially with me to ensure he keeps the gate shut as it is likely he might want to test the boundaries/explore. Many two year olds wouldn't open the gate, a few would. Either way, the adult should be supervising.

Glasshammer Thu 13-Mar-14 19:29:25

Your dad should have put a lock on the gate if he wasn't watching him

Ploppy16 Thu 13-Mar-14 19:29:30

If you haven't looked after a 2 year old for a while it's easy to forget that sometimes it's like herding cats! Your DF needs to keep vigilant wrt the gate until your DS learns to not go out of it. At this age it shouldn't take him long to learn as long as your DF is consistent about it.
My youngest is 2 and a few months ago she got out of our gate, over the (thankfully very quiet) road and was trying to get into our car. Lesson learnt, we took our eyes off the ball and it turns me cold to think about how it could have gone. She now knows that she doesn't go near the garden gate, because we cracked down and didn't let her out of our sight in the garden.
Your DF needs to be ultra vigilant. DS is far too young to see anything but more adventure.

Goblinchild Thu 13-Mar-14 19:29:41

No, my father used to treat the two year old like the six year old and if left unsupervised, disaster was the consequence. But he knew this, and so was happy not to be left in sole charge. He'd start off OK and then forget.
Of course it isn't your fault, or your son's he's not old enough to understand and obey consistently.
The ranting about him being a naughty boy is daft, but probably a response to being frightened by what might have been and being cross because he screwed up and isn't admitting it.
Better to arrange alternative care, but try not to let it fester in you.

ShadowFall Thu 13-Mar-14 19:34:12

YANBU. He's expecting too much.

It's not just about your DS being naughty and opening the gate.

It's also about the fact that a 2 yr old doesn't have enough experience to understand about what's safe and what's not. I wouldn't trust a 2 yr old to fully understand how dangerous going out of the garden and onto a car park can be.

Your dad should either have had the gate secured so that it can't be opened by a small child, or he should have been watching your DS more closely.

JodieGarberJacob Thu 13-Mar-14 19:34:42

I don't know anyone with a lock on their front gate and my two year olds knew they were never to open it. Also I expect that some older people who are looking after young children probably forget they can never take their eyes off them! An unfortunate incident with thankfully a safe outcome. I'm sure your dad realises it was his fault but knowing that you are familiar with the layout of the garden, did you specifically mention the risk beforehand?

crazy88 Thu 13-Mar-14 19:36:13

YANBU. I would be pretty angry with either of my parents if they essentially neglected my child when they were supposed to be looking after them, and then had the temerity to lecture me about my parenting skills!

TheVictorian Thu 13-Mar-14 19:40:00

I would say that a lock should of been put on the gate to prevent any escape attempts.

Floralnomad Thu 13-Mar-14 19:44:50

Your dad is BU , how old is your older son as he sounds like a more responsible carer than your dad !

Forgettable Thu 13-Mar-14 19:47:16

A bit of twine or one of them cable ties would be an effective cheap way to secure a gate as a bolt/lock can't always be magicked up at the click of a finger

He is BU. The child has no idea. He's 2. That's why nurseries etc have super dooper security systems. And by extension - if the child can exit unnoticed, a person can enter unnoticed, too. Food for thought.

Forgettable Thu 13-Mar-14 19:48:00

Yes gold star for older child <proffers shiny badge>

MissDuke Thu 13-Mar-14 19:54:33

I think you are completely in the right here! I would say your dad is maybe just not keen on minding him anymore? Very unfair of him to take it out on you!

DietCokeMultipackCan Thu 13-Mar-14 19:56:52

I recently had the same conversation with a friend of mine who looked after my dd one day over half term. The only difference is that mine is 4 so should be more sensible and is a bit prone to tantrums at the moment which can be hard work.

Friend took her to a children's farm and she had a tantrum as wanted to go straight to the outside area which she loves but was asked to wait which she struggled to accept. Friend went and sat down and left her playing and the next thing my friend knew, she had been found outside lost and crying and brought back to her.

She rang me in work completely furious, telling me she had never seen anything like this tantrum and that dd had deliberately disobeyed her by going outside by herself (I think she must have wandered out with someone else but has never done anything like that before), I was mortified and very apologetic. I hung up the phone and thought hang on, tantrums aside she's 4. And you lost her. Anything could have happened.

I think what happened shook my friend and your dad up and they took the fear out on you and me. Looking after someone else's child is a huge responsibility and people who don't look after children often sometimes forget that things can be a big ask of a child at such a young age (yours at least, mine was genuinely badly behaved). grin

Glad you are all ok, I'm sure your dad will calm down and realise he has been out of order and just attacked because he was terrified of what might have happened.

Haveacwtch Thu 13-Mar-14 20:06:58

Thanks all. I still feel like apologising! Which is crazy. Worryingly my older son has said that ds was on a busy road which means that he went through the car park (which is a really steep hill) onto the path at the end of the car park and onto the road. Guess I'll never know but he won't be in sole care of him again.

LongTimeLurking Thu 13-Mar-14 20:38:27

How old is your DF? To be honest it sounds like he can't cope with a child of 2 around the house and is getting anxious and frustrated as a result.

" he would still have him but only because he didn't want to let me down. "

He also feels a bit under pressure not to let you down by refusing childcare?

Maybe it would be kinder for both your kids and DF if you arranged alternative childcare, at least until DS is a bit older.

Haveacwtch Thu 13-Mar-14 21:04:09

He's 68. My other son is 5

BumpyGrindy Thu 13-Mar-14 21:16:51

How old's your Dad OP? It sounds like this is a bit too much for him. I could imagine my Mum getting into a similar situation if she had to watch my DC. That's why I don't ask her.

BumpyGrindy Thu 13-Mar-14 21:20:08

Oh I see...well 68 is getting on. Too old really to be looking after 2 year olds...SOME 68 year olds would be fine I am sure. But my Mum at 67 is not ok to watch my DC.

BrokenButNotFinished Thu 13-Mar-14 22:44:48

I think I read a RoSPA thing a while ago which attributed the decrease in certain types of accidents to a change in mindset: previously, people relied on changing child behaviour, whereas these days we tend more to child-proof the environment. It sounds like your father might just be 'parenting' in the style of 40 or 50 years ago.

70isaLimitNotaTarget Thu 13-Mar-14 23:57:16

When my DD was about 2 yo she found some of my Mums tablets ( IIRC for blood pressure) that were on a small coffee table in a blister pack.
So within reach of a child and not childproof packaging.
DD put two in her mouth but didn't eat them thankfully.

My Mum's answer :"She shouldn't have touched them, they're not hers" hmm

I didn't notice them because <<understatement>> my Mum is not the tidiest person.

And they knew young DC ate things they shouldn't. When I was 5 yo I are 100 Halibut Orange vitamins !

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