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To think people without fertility problems should not give advice to those with fertility problems however well meant it is?

(216 Posts)
Moonfacesmother Thu 13-Mar-14 17:53:35

My heavily pregnant friend came over last night. She does not know we have been ttc for 18 months and have had one failed ivf cycle. However she told me about a close friend of hers who I also know although not very well.

My heavily pregnant friend (hpf) said that she said to this poor woman who has been ttc for four years and is about to start ivf the following:

'I said to her it's probably because you need to relax. Book yourself a dirty weekend and get drunk and I bet you'll get pregnant. I wasn't bothered if I got pregnant or not and I got pregnant first cycle so I think if you just don't worry about it it will happen.'

This is exactly why I have not told people about our problems! I was somewhat annoyed on behalf of our mutual acquaintance.

Aibu to think that people should just not say anything like this?! If you've been ttc for 4 years it's unlikely to require you to 'just relax.' My hpf spoke as though she was some sort of fertility guru.

Mordirig Thu 13-Mar-14 17:59:04

YANBU ignorance is bliss as they say.

TillyTellTale Thu 13-Mar-14 18:01:17

YANBU, because she's an ignorant muppet and there's loads of them.
YABU, because people often like my advice (s/he is an ignorant muppet. Ignore them, go to the doctor and get medical advice) even though I didn't have fertility problems!

hels71 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:01:26

It used to drive me mad!!!!
YANBU at all......unless people give helpful advice or rather just support.

HootHootTootToot Thu 13-Mar-14 18:02:48

I agree, it's insensitive and factually incorrect. I would have said something to her.

WooWooOwl Thu 13-Mar-14 18:02:59

YANBU, but if people don't want others to give them well meaning but misguided advice then they shouldn't talk about their problems. People say things like this because they can't think of anything else to say, or because they genuinely don't know the 'right' response. They aren't doing it to be mean.

Moonfacesmother Thu 13-Mar-14 18:03:34

Yeah I guess what I meant was advice that's crap. Like get drunk and you'll get pregnant. Followed by 'I wasn't bothered if I got pregnant or not and it happened first cycle.'
It's just too smug for words.

Paintyfingers Thu 13-Mar-14 18:03:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paintyfingers Thu 13-Mar-14 18:04:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moonfacesmother Thu 13-Mar-14 18:04:56

It might not have been as bad if she hasn't followed it up with the bit about not being bothered so getting pregnant immediately.

Lottiedoubtie Thu 13-Mar-14 18:06:53

Your friend was being unreasonable.

But it doesn't follow that ALL people with no fertility issues cannot give advice.

Kewcumber Thu 13-Mar-14 18:07:09

I think people should always be allowed to say whatever they like about things they haven't been through to people who have been/are going through it. Provided they accept that a poke in the eye hurts.

givemeaclue Thu 13-Mar-14 18:07:30

Yanbu. Also hate it when after 5 gruelling years of ivf people say things like "well, it took us ages, must have been 6 months at least'

Or when telling your friend the fertility treatment is stressing you out, they tell you they are pg. Yeay, great news...!...

I could go on...

givemeaclue Thu 13-Mar-14 18:09:36

Kewcumber, trouble is its the recipient of the fertility 'advice' who is getting the sharp stick in the eye, Not the giver of the advice

Moonfacesmother Thu 13-Mar-14 18:09:40

Yes - we've been ttc for ages they say. And then they clarify by ages they mean 3 months.

likeaboss Thu 13-Mar-14 18:10:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ikeaismylocal Thu 13-Mar-14 18:13:48

Yabu. If you follow that logic people shouldn't give advice about anything unless they have had the exact same experience.

I think her advice is wise. We were ttc dc1 for years, booked IVF, bought all the drugs, went on the training course. The cycle before the IVF I had a scan to check how my uterus reacted to a normal cycle, the IVF Dr said that my overies had too many cysts on them and no ripening follicles so I had no chance of ovulating that cycle.

We went on a skiing holiday, got drunk, had sex when we felt like it, didn't even think about babies.

I was due to start IVF a couple of days after my period ( short protocol) but my period never came.

The only thing we did differently that month was to relax.

Now I'm pregnant with dc2, we weren't even ttc and I still breastfeed ds1.

There is alot to be said for relaxing.

Kewcumber Thu 13-Mar-14 18:14:45

But there is great satisfaction in a sift poke even if it doesn't lesson your own pain in your eye.

Beleive me I've been there... and its doesn't let up when you give up ttc... who knew adopting was a surefire cure for infertility? I'm surprised the fertility clinics don't offer it as apparently you only have to think about adoption to instantly get pregnant.

Moonfacesmother Thu 13-Mar-14 18:16:10

Yes but all the relaxing in the world won't cure fertility problems. It just won't. There have been studies that show relaxing makes no difference.

You were very fortunate to fall pregnant. But I think being told you just need to relax makes it more stressful. It suddenly becomes your fault that you can't conceive.

Casmama Thu 13-Mar-14 18:17:03

I think it is the arrogance of someone who is pregnant as if they did something right and those ttc for a long time were doing something wrong.
Some people are just really lucky.

Casmama Thu 13-Mar-14 18:17:35

Sorry OP xposts

Kewcumber Thu 13-Mar-14 18:19:21

ikea - please don't tell me you give people whom you know to be going through IVF that advice.

I was so emotional during IVF if someone had told me to relax (I've never been less relaxed in my life) I swear I might have punched them. And my infertility wasn't anything to do with how relaxed or not I was.

And yes I think giving advise on something you have no experience of is fraught with difficulty and runs the risk of making you look like an insensitive arse.

I tend to avoid advising people on what to do when giving birth (not having done it) but happy to wade in on adoption discussions even if my experience was different because I have a degree of empathy and insight that come with solid (and pretty extensive) experience

tigermoll Thu 13-Mar-14 18:20:46

How do you know it was the relaxing and not the skiing?

mrssmith79 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:21:44

YADNBU!! I've been subjected to this ridiculous 'advice' many times in the 8+ years since we started ttc. We stopped actively trying almost 5 years ago (almost killed our marriage and totally depleted our savings) and guess what...yup, still childless.

Onsera3 Thu 13-Mar-14 18:22:41


The 'relax' one used to drive me insane. I was in physical agony TTC and on high doses of codeine to cope and it was just getting worse. Relaxing wasn't going to cure my endo. Plus add to that the emotional distress and the stress of infertility.

And they all know that person who got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying too hard.

I know they are trying to help but it really doesn't.

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