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to be actually embarassed about my first marriage?

(43 Posts)
balenciaga Thu 13-Mar-14 16:45:03

It was 10 years ago this year which I think is why I have thought about it recently. I was 24, had been with the guy 8 years and he'd proposed, god knows why, the relationship was shit tbh and we were already both bored to tears with each other. we genuinely really loved eachother (in a teenage way) for the first couple of years, but the relationship had run its course a couple of years in but neither of us dared admit it I don't think.

By the time he proposed, I'd already had several dalliances behind his back over the years, in fact I was meeting up and snogging some other guy secretly in the months running up to the wedding (i know. awful of me)....I don't know why the hell i agreed to get married, i don't know why i didn't run a mile before even being proposed to.....guess I was just scared of the unknown, I had been with him so long, he was all i knew, and honestly felt that no one else would want me

oh god the months running up to it were horrendous, it was like being on a runaway train, I just wanted to get off but daren't tell anyone, as everyone thought we were so perfect (lol if only they knew). I felt so trapped. the whole thing was a joke, the honeymoon and everything just a big charade

I can't believe I stood in church and said vows I knew i didn't mean sad I cant believe I let my parents and his parents fork out thousands for the wedding, the reception, etc. I am quite ashamed tbh and I honestly think if I ever won the lottery or anything I would pay them back, every penny. if any of my dcs did what I did I would be ashamed of them.

the "marriage" lasted less than a year. I got pregnant (somehow, god knows how as I never wanted to even shag him) , we argued the whole pregnancy, he was vile to me and it was horrendous, i just thought WTF have I done. but i had ds, and chucked H out when ds was a tiny baby. I then met my now dh when ds was a year old and as cheesy as it sounds it was just instant head over heels love for both of us, completely different in every way from what I had with exH. and when I married my now-H in a quiet registry office ceremony I meant every word and wanted it 100% and it was honestly the best day of my life. he took on ds, we have a dd together and expecting another very soon.

luckily exH and I get on ok now, and he has a good relationship with our ds. But, i cringe looking back at it all. and it wasn't even like i was some silly teenager, i was 25 fgs. has anyone else had / done similar? please say its not just me!

EEatingSoupForLunch Thu 13-Mar-14 16:55:09

My DSis did, when they cam back from honeymoon another family member said to me "I give it until Christmas". It ended well before.

TBH though we've pretty much forgotten marriage no.1 - your post reminded me. Time moves on and the majority of people in her life don't know about it. We all make mistakes, the important thing is to learn from them!

CailinDana Thu 13-Mar-14 16:55:16

Good lord woman you are very hard on yourself! Give yourself a break. You made a bad decisions just like every other human that ever lived. Beating yourself up over it just prolongs the effect of the bad decision. Is there a reason why you want to prolong it? Or would you like to let it go?

akachan Thu 13-Mar-14 16:56:53

I have a friend who married at 17 (big wedding, they took out a loan) and was divorced within a couple of years. I hardly ever think about it now (over 10 years on). It was mad.

QueenofallIsee Thu 13-Mar-14 16:57:08

I hear you - I got married in my teens to a much older guy, I loved him in a depressingly asexual way and I knew in my heart of hearts that it was doomed from the off. I just couldn't admit it, most especially because a lot of my family and friends told me it was nuts

Now I am with someone that I love dearly - I really wish he was the only husband I ever had

really1234 Thu 13-Mar-14 16:58:02

I know someone who's first two marriages each lasted less than a year. She was on number 3 before she was 30, to be fair though they have lasted about 13-14yrs now I think.

EverythingsDozy Thu 13-Mar-14 16:58:45

This must have been what my husband was thinking sad
Got together, I was 13, he was 14. Had DD aged 20/21, got married aged 22/23 and had DS that year (2012).
NYE 2013 and he was shagging another woman in my bed. He wants a divorce, I don't because I love him very much. I don't think he realised that when we got married it meant forever, whereas I was planning our bloody retirement!!!
Feeling very sad and sorry for myself.

really1234 Thu 13-Mar-14 16:59:36

Yes actually I have another friend who's marriage lasted only a few months. She turned round to be after a couple of months and asked whether I'd asked DH what he wanted from life before we got married. She didn't grasp that you should know that sort of stuff, have had those conversations before you tie the knot!

brettgirl2 Thu 13-Mar-14 17:05:57

yabu. The phrase 'be kind to yourself'comes to mind.

I know a couple of people who had similarly short marriages. It's life, you live, learn and grow up.

balenciaga Thu 13-Mar-14 17:09:40

awww everythingsdozy

sad I am so, so sorry

but you are VERY young still, and got together very young too (don't mean to be patronising) and you WILL find someone else in time, and i can promise you from my own experience it will be a million times better than what you had

and I still regret it because it was a silly, and very costly mistake, and also really hurt our parents when it ended. and it also makes me sad that my dc1 was not conceived in love. and i also guess I wish DH was the only husband I have ever had., I think its because I now take being married so seriously, it sounds cheesy but 3 years of marriage I could burst with pride at being Mrs XXXX ...yet when I was married to ex I was embarrassed to even change my name fgs as did not want to be reminded or tell anyone I was a "mrs". as to me it really did mean the end of my life, in fact when I first got with now DH I was really anti marriage and swore to never do it again that lasted all of five minutes lol grin

tinkertitonk Thu 13-Mar-14 17:18:54

Best friend had a starter marriage like this, then had 2DD with DH number 2. DD1 acquired an injury that needed treatment at some point, and BF said, "Don't worry, I know what to do, my first husband was a doctor".

"WTAF MUM??"

She'd forgotten to mention the starter marriage to her children.

balenciaga Thu 13-Mar-14 17:51:02

Lol at starter marriage

mine was a non-starter marriage grin

shewhowines Thu 13-Mar-14 17:58:48

You can't regret it though, or else dc1 wouldn't be here.

You are who you are because of your past. Good bits and bad bits. It has made you you. Who knows, if your past hadn't happened your DH might not have even found you as attractive, because you would be a very different person.

Accept the past.

crestfall Thu 13-Mar-14 18:35:08

YANBU, I never actually made it down the aisle but I got engaged at 19 to my 18 year old boyfriend and it makes me cringe to think about it. We decided we absolutely must be together forever and he got a ring with the last bit of his overdraft, we bought it together, he then gave it to me in starbucks but was too embarrassed to 'propose' as such.

I was afraid of what my parents would say so didn't tell them but then wrote about it in a card to another family member who rang my mum in surprise. Obviously she was a little surprised herself. I have no idea what I was thinking. I try not to remember and fortunately the family member (who I was not even close to) has never reminded me!

Within a couple of months he went on a trip that I didn't want him to go on and I got a new boyfriend while he was away. We were both very insecure and immature but to be honest I think if we had met 10 years later we would've been perfect for each other. We were planning to meet up again just before I met my dh but it never happened.

redexpat Thu 13-Mar-14 18:37:49

Meh, live and learn. Don't beat yourself up about it.

EverythingsDozy Thu 13-Mar-14 19:14:10

Thank you smile I really hope so!
I was talking to a good friends dad the other day. He told me he was married before his current wife (my friends mum) and he had called it off. He eventually wanted to reconcile with his ex wife after a few months but she had found someone else in the meantime.
It really gives me hope that either he will come back or I will find someone new. Stories like yours do that too. I want to meet someone else and for him to come back so I can shove it in his face!!

BrownSauceSandwich Thu 13-Mar-14 19:32:33

Seriously, I'm not sure what you have to be embarrassed about. You tried to make a relationship work despite the cracks... It didn't happen. Perhaps you were a bit naiive, but that's allowed at 25. You didnt do anything vicious, or intentionally hurtful, and some really positive things came out of the whole thing: you've got your son, and I'm sure you love him; you probably appreciate your current marriage all the more because of your previous experience. The money really is the least important thing about all this, and if your parents can't move on and be happy for your present situation... Well, that's their problem, not yours.

Thistledew Thu 13-Mar-14 19:48:06

I know what you mean by looking back and cringing. I'm fortunate in that I had an ounce of self-preservation and never married my first long-term boyfriend even though he wanted to, but there is plenty in my past that causes me to cringe.

I do find that I have to be strict with myself and say "you were only young and naive, forgive yourself", and to make a conscious effort not to dwell on the cringy feelings. We have all learned our lessons, and come out better, stronger and nicer people for the mistakes we have made. It is wasted emotion to cringe over it now, and is only a form of negativity that will hold you back from being the best person you can be now. You owe it to yourself, and to the people in your life right now not to let your past drag you down and spoil the enjoyment of what you have now.

mustbetimefortea Thu 13-Mar-14 19:50:11

My experience was from the other perspective. XH was saying all the right things but only got married I found out later because his DM insisted as she didn't want to lose access to our ds.

I didn't have youth on my side as an excuse for my naiivity. I cringe at my wholehearted speech on the day in praise of him. My ds is the only positive of the whole sorry affair.

I am very glad to be free of the womanising cocklodger but still regret the farce of a marriage. It doesn't occupy every waking minute but it will aways be an embarrassment

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 13-Mar-14 20:21:53

I had a starter marriage. No guilt or embarrassment whatsoever. It made me the person I am today, who chose the lovely DH2.

Mandy2003 Thu 13-Mar-14 20:36:05

I had exactly the same experience of marriage when I was 20. Up till the bit about having a child ( I did actually get pregnant by the boyfriend I couldn't give up but MC).

Don't be hard on yourself OP - we live and learn wink

BumPotato Thu 13-Mar-14 20:47:20

Why are you embarrassed? Who's judging you? Just you I bet.

Don't beat yourself up.

Grandemama Thu 13-Mar-14 22:06:23

I know someone who had a starter marriage too. She was very naive (20 years old) and even left her country to follow her husband. He cheated many times and they divorced. She is now happily married and she is also embarrassed of her first marriage, she probably won't tell her DS about it.

meikyo Thu 13-Mar-14 22:30:33

I 'm another one with a cringeworthy first marriage. .. I was 24 and married a man 25 years older than I was..he was a year younger than my Dad! shock He was definitely a father figure..I was young and had low self esteem.

It didn't last. .no children involved. I had my DD with DH2..we were together for 14 years. Now living with DP and have resisted the idea of marriage as I feel stupid about the first one.

SparklySocks Thu 13-Mar-14 22:40:44

I rarely tell anyone new that I meet that I was married when I was younger. I just refer to my son's father as my "ex-DP". I was only 20, we had split 3 years later and I was divorced by the age of 25. Even though the divorce was completely down to him (he admits this grudgingly), I still feel embarrassed to admit that I was divorced so young.

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