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to be so sick of being the bad one?

(24 Posts)
massivewhinge Wed 12-Mar-14 22:57:51

I am honestly so fucked off with it. I'm stuck in a cycle of desperately trying to please my mother, in particular, and being shot down.

I know I just need to detach but it's so much easier said than done.

I am the lazy, feckless spendthrift and I hate it. Today's choice snippets were: not going on a trip into town at the weekend to buy a birthday card, looking at my phone rather than engaging in conversation, keeping a messy house and spending above my means.

The card thing was because I said I'd get my sister a card at the corner shop. Cue a big rant about it costing more, I should have made time to go into town, why was I so disorganised and lazy? I work full time. My weekends are spent doing viewings on my house, commitments with friends and family and spending time with my husband and kids. Parking in town costs about three quid for an hour, btw, so wipes out any bargains to be had on cheap fucking cards.

I was reading out a list of funny sayings to my dh, dad ,and brother. My mum made several bitchy comments about me 'staring at the internet all day'.

So many nasty jibes about my house being a shitpit and that's why no one's buying it. And how if I was less lazy I could spend more time making my house nice and my children happier.

And then the many digs about spending above our means to buy a house in the middle of nowhere (it's not, it's just a drive away from them). We have never asked for help with housing despite all my siblings borrowing tens of thousands from them (still owed) for their homes. We will still have a smaller mortgage than my sister, but for some reason we are stupid and reckless while she is savvy and sensible.

I came home and just cried for an hour. It's pathetic. I wish I could just stop caring and walk away but I get sucked into these conversations every fucking time I see her.

Please help me rationalise this because I am this close to walking away and actually that would be awful and counterproductive.

Cleartheclutter Wed 12-Mar-14 23:07:39


Balistapus Wed 12-Mar-14 23:08:43

You need to have some time away from her until you can disengage emotionally from her. You need to stop hoping she'll be someone she isn't and start expecting her to say crappy things to you. Thus, when it happens you won't be so hurt. You can the take control of the relationship and decide how much time YOU want to spent with someone who behaves like this towards you, because the one thing you have to get into your head is that she ain't never gonna change.

ilikebaking Wed 12-Mar-14 23:12:30

You really need to spend less time with her. She is toxic.
Prioritise you and your family.

SallyMcgally Wed 12-Mar-14 23:14:11

Balistapus is right. It's very unlikely she'll change, so you need to work on how you react to her. Could you tell her in a calm, measured tone exactly why some of her ideas are ridiculous? Or just tell her that you're not prepared to continue the conversation if she's going to be so unpleasant. And if she carries on, then walk away. But you have to mean it, and she has to understand that.
Sorry she's being so horrible to you.

Point out to them that the card from the corner shop is only cheaper because you aren't factoring in the costs of going to town - bus fare/petrol and parking costs.

PortofinoRevisited Wed 12-Mar-14 23:18:20

Hmm. In my opinion this about them, not about you. A bit of jealousy, a bit of projection, a bit of them hating your success as it makes you "other" to them. I don't know what to advise as I have been through similar and ended up on total non speaking terms with family member which is obviously not the best result. I would NOT be taking it personally, thought that is easier said than done. I would detach myself a little from the situation. Don't visit so often. Build in some space.

Dammit - I meant that the card from town is only cheaper than the one from the corner shop! because ... you know the rest.

BOFtastic Wed 12-Mar-14 23:19:57

Rise above, rise above...

ilikebaking Wed 12-Mar-14 23:20:06

Sorry, but pointing out specifics about the bloody card shop is only addin to the behaviour.
She will pick something else to whinge about.

TheBody Wed 12-Mar-14 23:20:10

what about these men around you? your dh, dad and brother? are they bullied as well.

don't go round there op. tell her she's not welcome at yours until she can learn manners and boundaries.

don't let your dcs see you treated like this.

massivewhinge Wed 12-Mar-14 23:25:17

Thank you.

If she was out and out nasty it would be so much easier , but it's all dressed up as jokey banter with the occasional rant for my own good ('well if I don't say it, you won't change' sort of thing.

I have got much better over the years at calling her out on it or just voting with my feet, but every time I feel secure enough to relax in her company it all starts up again.

Dh doesn't understand why I even engage with her but it's all so complicated, every now and then she approves of me and I feel elated but it never lasts long. My children adore her and she is a brilliant grandma, so I can never stay distant for too long .

SallyMcgally Wed 12-Mar-14 23:29:24

Isn't it awful, the way they reel you back.
Does she realise, do you think, how upsetting you find it? It may be worth pointing out that she may well feel all jolly and gung-ho, but that it leaves you feeling small and picked on, and that you'll need some time before you feel like being around her again.

MammaTJ Wed 12-Mar-14 23:34:37

I have similar and called my DM on it once.

We were out celebrating a birthday. Then we all went back to hers where me, my DP and DC were staying.

We were talking about scratch cards and one of my DSis's DC (adult) mentioned a big win my DM had had aand my DSis nudged him. I ignored it.

Next morning I got up to talk to my Mum. She denied it being secret, just an ommission and I told her I knew it was a secret from my DSis's reaction. She then said that it was because I was bad with money!

I then asked her if when my DSis' children were little and she only worked part time, was the reason she was skint because she was bad with money or because she had young DC and only worked part time. She chose the second option (of course).

I then pointed out how unfair it was to accuse me of being bad with money when I was in the same situation as my DSis had been then, when the real reason I was skint was the same as hers, just a few years later slow developer.

She hasn't mentioned it since, inspite of having accused me of it quite a lot before. The absolute hurt of the secret win made me confront her.

Would this work with your DM? Actually laying it out as you have to us?

charmschool Wed 12-Mar-14 23:38:08

My own mum does this. She will say something catastrophically awful / rude and when I pick her up on it, she'll say "I was only joking."

"Well fuck off you old hag. No offence..." is never going to be a good response so I just ignore it and then cry on my husband's shoulder later on. if your DH supports you then it will give you inner strength to battle through this.

It's a linear thing. My great grandmother was horrible to my grandmother who was horrible to my mother who is horrible (even though she doesn't realise she's doing it) to me. I'm terrified that I am continuing this behaviour with my own teenage DD who is sitting her GCSEs this summer and I'm chewing my cheeks off trying not to nag her about doing any more revision.

Ignore what your mum says. Laugh at her when she's getting really bad. Say "that's a funny thing to say, tee hee" to her and then give your children some love and a cuddle and remember that your own little nuclear family is all that matters and everyone else really can just fuck off.

ilovesooty Wed 12-Mar-14 23:45:36

She's a bully. What do you get out of this relationship?

perplexedpirate Wed 12-Mar-14 23:46:47

Don't bother explaining yourself. You will be 'being like that'.
My mother is so similar and at the grand old age of 36 I can finally see it and am learning to disengage.
It's not easy, but it's easier than letting things go on as they were.
Funnily enough, I don't think she's even noticed I've changed yet!

Nanny0gg Thu 13-Mar-14 00:02:43

I would question how good a grandma she is to your DC when she treats their mother badly.
Does she do it in front of them?

massivewhinge Thu 13-Mar-14 07:06:02

Mamma, we have similar in than any debt I have ever had (incidentally I don't have any now) was from being an awful spendthrift, but my sister's larger current debt is savvy financial planning. It's like being in the twilight zone.

I said in the op we'd never asked for help, actually I have broached the topic once in conversation just before we put our house on the market and got told 'the bank of mum and dad is empty' and made to feel it was an horrendous imposition to even ask. It's insane, really.

The silly thing is my grandad is horribly toxic and hard to be around and my mum is always talkin to me about that. If I tell her she's just as bad to me she'll either be incredibly upset or think I'm being ridiculous.

SelectAUserName Thu 13-Mar-14 07:18:06

I'd use that as your way in. The next time she starts on about your grandad, I'd say quietly "you do realise it has the same effect on me when you do X, Y and Z, don't you?" If she dismisses it then I'd add "yes, I'm sure Grandad would say the same as you're saying now if you called him on it."

As for her getting upset - well, maybe she needs to, if it might actually make her think about what she's saying.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 13-Mar-14 07:27:43

I agree with Select. You either have to tell her calmly that what she is doing is corrosive and toxic, put up with it or go NC. My DMs (D)M was an utter bitch to my DM all her life and it screwed her up to the point of MH issues. Get it sorted, she will escalate with each passing year too. Good luck.

Tell her that when she's 80 and complaining to anyone who'll listen that her lazy, feckless, spendthrift daughter never comes to visit she will only have herself to blame.

LittleBearPad Thu 13-Mar-14 08:25:19

Call her on it. It's learned behaviour from her father.

If she says that you need telling 'or you won't change' ask her why you need to change?

I'm sorry.

BOFtastic Thu 13-Mar-14 08:43:09

A bright smile every time, and "You do realise that I'll be choosing your nursing home, don't you?"

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