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Feel like DD & I have betrayed our friends

(90 Posts)
Joolsy Wed 12-Mar-14 18:29:31

DD goes on school camp soon. All the pupils going got to write down 1 friend that they wanted to be in a cabin with. When we first put their names down for camp, DD's friend (M)'s mum said it would be good if our DDs put each other's names down and I said I'm sure they would as they are close friends. However another girl (K) is going who is also a good friend of DD and probably has more in common with her and would probably have a better time sharing a cabin with. K & my DD decided to put each other's names down but not to tell M so as not to upset her. M assumed that DD would be putting down her name. Now M's mum (who is also a friend of mine) has found out - she's not angry but it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class and I'd feel really bad if her experience of camp is ruined because of this. I haven't denied or confirmed whose name DD put down but I don't want to lie but how do I say that DD put down K's name as they felt they'd get on better sharing a cabin? I could ask that the 3 of them share a cabin with someone else as well as this could be possible but I feel one of them will be left out. How to handle it? Thanks

quirrelquarrel Wed 12-Mar-14 19:15:51

1/ it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class and I'd feel really bad if her experience of camp is ruined because of this that made me feel sad and unsympathetic really

2/ I think you need to let the girls handle it themselves. nowt to do with betrayal

CloverHeart Wed 12-Mar-14 19:17:31

You sound concerned enough to OP, so maybe you should suggest that all three of them be housed together. After all, we wouldn't want poor 'M' to have to associate with the unpopular girl hmm

OneStepForwardTwoBack Wed 12-Mar-14 19:21:50

Just don't get involved. I get this a bit. Child's friend talks to get mum about a situation in school. Mum talks to me. Presumably I am then supposed to engineer things. Only I don't. I keep out if it.

Whocansay Wed 12-Mar-14 19:31:33

So the other girl and her mother thought that both daughters would put down each other. You and your daughter decided to choose someone else. You then withheld that bit of information from both the girl and her mother, which meant that the other DD was unable to choose a different friend as she honoured the original agreement.

That right? Then YABU. And pretty nasty.

Funny really.When I went to school it was the bitches/trouble makers (and in secondary school 'slappers') who were the 'popular' ones.

The unpopular were usually the nice ones.

Just saying.

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 12-Mar-14 19:50:17

What whocansay said. What a horrible example to set her - basically deciding which of her two friends would get left out behind their backs. While you both knew the other girl was putting her name down. Urgh - how old are you?

gofeminism Wed 12-Mar-14 20:00:07

YABVU, now M might well be stuck with an unpopular girl, what if the unpopular girl like, wears glasses?? I mean, ew. Or she might not wear makeup. Think of the severe emotional distress of having to spend time with such a child.

Piscivorus Wed 12-Mar-14 20:05:22

When my DD was about that age she had a friend at school who she really liked. This girls mother always controlled her daughter's friendships via arranging playdates and manipulations like you have described here. It was not fair to her daughter or any of the girls in the group and, in the long run, caused a lot of upset.

Please try to keep out of it

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 12-Mar-14 20:09:25

To be honest having said that your DD would put M's name down I think you should have told the Mum that she wasn't so she could put someone else down. Having interfered in the first place you should have made this right once you realised she risked being left out.

rallytog1 Wed 12-Mar-14 20:14:31

Ffs. No wonder so many kids can't do anything for themselves these days, if this is the level of interfering that goes on.

It's your dd's trip, not yours. In year 5 she is perfectly capable of managing her own friendships.

Joolsy Wed 12-Mar-14 20:45:12

Well I certainly haven't interfered yet. I got a text from the other mum to say she'd found out that DD hadn't put her name down. I felt sad for her DD and very guilty. She's quite timid & doesn't stand up for herself which is why, if she was put with someone she didn't want to be with, it might not be a great experience for her. But there is little I can do. I certainly didn't go behind anyone's back. And for the record the girl I refered to is only unpopular because of the upset she's caused many times over the years. Nothing to do with her appearance etc.

bochead Wed 12-Mar-14 20:49:10

WTF is up with people being so nasty about other people's kids recently? "unpopular girl" - who says that about a 9 year old?

At 9, none are starring in Glee ffs, however their mothers don't seem to have outgrown the petty bitchiness of the school yard.

How about teaching kindness, consideration for others, active inclusion of those on the fringes of any group, celebration of difference etc? Often with girls ostracism is used as a method of bullying that's far harder to spot & tackle by adults than the punches boys throw.

It is interesting to see however how many adult women who end up in socially successful positions learn to reverse their early pariah status though - Kate Middleton is a prime example of this.

At best your interference is at risk of stunting your child's emerging social skills.

Pumpkinpositive Wed 12-Mar-14 20:52:04

And for the record the girl I refered to is only unpopular because of the upset she's caused many times over the years.

Oh, do elaborate. This kid is 9/10, right?

NigellasDealer Wed 12-Mar-14 20:57:23

it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class
god that is so nasty - ime the 'popular' girls were prize biatches fwiw

NigellasDealer Wed 12-Mar-14 20:58:05

and that was more than one girl that you referred to wasn't it?

Poppylovescheese Wed 12-Mar-14 21:07:51

Stay out of it. You will have years of this sort of playground politics to deal with.

bochead Wed 12-Mar-14 21:08:14

If was deffo plural nigellasdealer.

My hasty unproven conclusions about the OP's child's class from this thread
Popular = spiteful, bitchy, two faced sheep
Unpopular = perhaps studious?, independent of mind and gob, potential future leader

See Op I can be a right cow too! wink Either way I'm rooting for the underdog here grin Hopefully you'll soon offend the Queen Bee on the PTA, and get a taste of school girl social ostracism for yourself, (as actually I'm not mean enough to wish it on your daughter).

Julybutterfly, exactly what I picked out.

Sounds like you are scheming along with the school girls OO. Bit pathetic really. Sorry if that is harsh.

TheBody Wed 12-Mar-14 21:15:42

oh op don't just don't get involved with girls friendship groups. they usually involve girls falling out then mums getting involved and falling out followed by girls then becoming friends again and mums looking like daft mares.

the best thing to do is bring your dds up to be both confident enough to stand up for themselves but kind enough to tolerate and help the less confident ones.

stock answer to other mothers like your friends dd is to smile and say ' I have no idea who dd put down, it's her business.'

Floggingmolly Wed 12-Mar-14 21:20:44

M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls and I'd feel really bad if her experience at camp is ruined because of this
You sound like an absolute cow...

Pumpkinpositive Wed 12-Mar-14 22:11:32

Is OP coming back? grin

I reckon if the kid's unpopularity was genuinely linked to her behaviour, OP would have phrased if differently. Ie, "is paired up with one of the unpleasant/badly behaved/bullying members of the class". The fact the word "unpopular" is used is telling.

Andro Wed 12-Mar-14 23:04:02

Perhaps OP is just stating the facts as she sees them?

1. One or more of the girls going to the camp is/are unpopular - it is not unreasonable to make the observation that child A doesn't have many/any friends and is therefor unpopular for whatever reason (it doesn't make the unpopularity 'right' or excuse the school and/or parents from encouraging inclusion, it just states the status quo).

2. OP doesn't want M's experience to be ruined if she's paired with someone with whom she doesn't get along (again, inclusion and tolerance should be encouraged but some people just do not gel and that can be very obvious when you're rooming with them).

The phrasing was not great, but I don't think OP was intending to be unkind.

OP, take a step back. If M's mum pushes the issue about your DD putting K's name down instead, just comment that your DD didn't discuss it with you before hand and you didn't know until after the fact. Leave the rest of it to the teacher in charge.

queenofthemountains Wed 12-Mar-14 23:38:38

As a mother of one of the "unpopular girls" I find this really incredible. It's bad enough when my daughter's classmates are mean to her, but thinking like that as an adult wtf.

WilsonFrickett Wed 12-Mar-14 23:56:31

Ugh. My darling DS is off to cub camp in may and is already catastrophising about it (he has ASD). Today's question was about traps for wild animals in the woods. At least that's easier to solve than mums and kids ganging up so he doesnt sully their awesome with his unpopularity ....

feathermucker Thu 13-Mar-14 00:10:17

Stop it, stop it, stop it!!! You cannot force, organise or manipulate friendships amongst kids.

Whilst it sounds like you are worrying with the best of intentions, you and M's mum just have to let this happen.

Also, your comment about unpopular girls?! Really?! How would you feel if another Mum was saying/feeling that she didn't want her child to share with whatever 'type' of popularity bracket your daughter is in?!

Let them or the school decide. It will not end well if you try and manipulate the situation. You will be setting a dangerous precedent for future years.

Take a step back wink

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