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Feel like DD & I have betrayed our friends

(90 Posts)
Joolsy Wed 12-Mar-14 18:29:31

DD goes on school camp soon. All the pupils going got to write down 1 friend that they wanted to be in a cabin with. When we first put their names down for camp, DD's friend (M)'s mum said it would be good if our DDs put each other's names down and I said I'm sure they would as they are close friends. However another girl (K) is going who is also a good friend of DD and probably has more in common with her and would probably have a better time sharing a cabin with. K & my DD decided to put each other's names down but not to tell M so as not to upset her. M assumed that DD would be putting down her name. Now M's mum (who is also a friend of mine) has found out - she's not angry but it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class and I'd feel really bad if her experience of camp is ruined because of this. I haven't denied or confirmed whose name DD put down but I don't want to lie but how do I say that DD put down K's name as they felt they'd get on better sharing a cabin? I could ask that the 3 of them share a cabin with someone else as well as this could be possible but I feel one of them will be left out. How to handle it? Thanks

dexter73 Wed 12-Mar-14 18:32:35

I don't really think anything needs to be done. Your dd decided who she would like to share a room with. I don't think that it was up to you and the other girl's mum to decide that they would be sharing a room. I would just leave it.

HandbagsandSnotrags Wed 12-Mar-14 18:34:48

I would stay out of it and let the girls / school deal with it. Presumably there will be more than 2 in a cabin so all 3 may end up together anyway.

WooWooOwl Wed 12-Mar-14 18:35:41

How old are they? Is this brownies or guides or something?

Tbh, I'd question why they were asked to only put down one name. Things like this can work really well if it's done properly, but if it's handled badly then it can cause more trouble than it's worth.

If the other mother asks you, then I think she would be in the wrong, but if she does then I think you have to tell her that you let your dd make her own choice and that you'd rather the leaders of the camp handled any problems.

I would stay out of it as much as you can.

julybutterfly Wed 12-Mar-14 18:36:03

but it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class


lessthanBeau Wed 12-Mar-14 18:36:13

oooooh tricky, did you discuss this with DD or not , if you didnt and it was purely dds choice then just say so, dd should have told M but again that is down to her , how old are they all? you cant take responsibility for other peoples choices or experiences. Ms mother should be the one asking for shared cabins not you.

WooWooOwl Wed 12-Mar-14 18:36:28

Sorry, missed the word school, even though it was in the first sentence!


Blu Wed 12-Mar-14 18:37:15

Do nothing.

The staff will do their best to ensure that everyone is in a cabin with someone they named, and if M named your dd she will probably be in the same cabin as your dd and K.

If the other mother asks you say 'of course I would be best for them all to be together - so why don't you talk to the teacher and ensure that M is in the same cabin anyway. If she asks who dd put down, lightly say 'I know it will have been either M or K'.. which is actually true.

The other mother shouldn't really have been trying to dictate what your dd was going to do from the off.

BrianTheMole Wed 12-Mar-14 18:38:06


Burren Wed 12-Mar-14 18:38:07

How old are the girls? It sounds to me like an object lesson in not intervening in your children's friendships.

And whatever about M's experience of camp, what about the unfortunate 'unpopular girl' M's 'experience' might be ruined by?

Catsmamma Wed 12-Mar-14 18:38:51

I'd say you and M's mum want to rein it in a bit and mind your own business, and stop micromanaging your daughters' friendships.

BrianTheMole Wed 12-Mar-14 18:39:06

Try agan...
Whats wrong with the unpopular girls? That sounds a bit unkind.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Mar-14 18:41:07

Ok. Since when did another parent have the right to tell your daughter what to do? She can put down whatever name she wants and that is her prerogative.

Joolsy Wed 12-Mar-14 18:41:18

They are all in yr 5. They all put down 2 names - DD put down the other girl plus one yr 6 girl who she likes, as there will also be yr 6's in the cabin with them. I didn't mean to be rude about the 'unpopular girl' but there's only a handful of yr 5 girls going and 1 of the girls is quite a troublemaker and from what DD says everyone else has sort of 'paired up' apart from this girl and DD's friend M. But yes, I guess the girls just have to make their own decisions. Thanks everyone.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Mar-14 18:43:31

And you might find that [shock horror] this 'unpopular' girl is given priority to try and encourage friendships with other people.

NewtRipley Wed 12-Mar-14 18:45:58

This is a lesson

Do not try to engineer your children's friendships. Do not get involved

NewtRipley Wed 12-Mar-14 18:46:45

And failing that - say what WooWoo said.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 12-Mar-14 18:51:43

Well you never know, in a few years time in secondary school, your DD might be considered the unpopular troublemaker.

Not a nice way to talk about a 9 year old girl.

BalloonSlayer Wed 12-Mar-14 18:55:49

Stay out of it. It was your DD's decision not yours. A friend of mine's DD ended up for 6 years in a form with someone she was not even friends with because she happened to be sitting next to her on the day they filled out the forms and she didn't want to offend her . . .

And try not to worry too much. I had much the same situation with my DD and her best friend. After feeling horribly guilty for months I discovered by chance that the best friend hadn't put DD's name either! I wish I hadn't wasted all that energy worrying and feeling bad.

YoureAShoe Wed 12-Mar-14 18:58:19

If she put down two people why didn't she put down M and K?
But to be honest I was the unpopular one in my school, always the one that didn't have a partner etc. I wasn't a trouble maker just some popular girls decided to gang up and say I'd called them names and pushed them over hmm
We went on a school trip and I was put in a room to encourage me to make friends and the girls suggested a game of blind mans bluff.
So I was blindfolded to play it. They threw bottles and tripped me over. Their parents complained that they we're put in a room with me because I was a trouble maker.

This girl might not be so much of a trouble maker as you think, so I think it's very unkind to worry about if your dd will be put with her.

NobodyLivesHere Wed 12-Mar-14 18:59:24

The only person I feel sorry for us this poor 'unpopular' girl.

tootiredtothink Wed 12-Mar-14 19:01:35

I'm guessing they're not great friends anyway as your dd could have put both names down?

Sadly this is the age....and onwards ime girls arn't so good in groups so probably best other girl isn't in their room if they don't want her there.

BumpyGrindy Wed 12-Mar-14 19:02:24

As the Mother of a girl with only a few close friends, I have to say it's people like you OP who complicate girl's lives further. Get your nose out of your DDs friendships and let her have the power. She can deal with this kind of thing herself

Ploppy16 Wed 12-Mar-14 19:04:16

I would say that the only child who could potentially have her camp experience ruined is this unpopular girl, especially if other parents are getting involved in order to stop their children from having to share with her. Who told you she was a trouble maker? Your DD or a teacher?

lunar1 Wed 12-Mar-14 19:08:57

God forbid someone should have to share with an unpopular girl!

I hope they split up all the friends and have a good mix up. try not to pass that attitude onto your child, its pretty nasty.

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