I feel like a complete fraud typing this as I know many people have suffered much greater battles than me e.g. cancer, stillbirth, loss of a child etc. but today I felt that I had truly reached the end of my coping ability and have spent much of the day feeling tearful. I just feel as if I have fought for so long, now I just want some peace and a rest.
My husband and I are older parents (37 and 40), have a lovely relationship and homelife, close family, secure finances etc. We tried for children for 5 years, had many fertility tests and treatments, and were just about to embark on IVF when I fell pregnant and miscarried. The next pregnancy was successful, although difficult. I suffered severe morning sickness (sick at least 10 times a day) for 8 months, SPD, anxiety (due to fertility history) before finally giving birth after a difficult and scary instrumental delivery.
My DD breastfed well but consistently lost weight. I really wanted to breastfeed and it was pushed so much by the midwives/health visitors that I battled on with it despite her losing weight. I saw probably 10 lactation consultants and support workers and tried absolutely everything. One said that I had too much milk (I could easily pump 10oz from 1 breast) and that DD was never getting to the fatty hind milk. Finally DD was referred to a consultant who was horrified by how thin she was and told me that I must put her on formula immediately. This was very difficult for me as I felt I had let DD down at the 1st hurdle and nearly resulted in PND. This combined with my anxiety took its toll and I hardly slept for the 1st 6 months, constantly checking on DD all night and being over protective. I suppose I feel as if we weren't supposed to have children but got lucky so she could easily be taken away from me.
2 years later, I gave birth to by DS 10 days ago. In between DD and DS I suffered 4 miscarriages in quick succession so I have been either pregnant or miscarrying for about 16 months. Again, it was another difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis for 7 months, SPD so bad that I am still on crutches and another very traumatic birth where I thought I was losing DS due to his heartrate falling so low.
The midwife came today to discharge us but found that DS had lost loads of weight. This was such a shock and I just felt completely overwhelmed. I have slept maybe 3 hours a day since DS was born due to him feeding constantly. Again, I have absolutely loads of milk and he appears to be drinking a lot but never seems satisfied. The midwife watched him feed and was perplexed as she said he was feeding well and that the 15 or more nursings he has every day was far more than he should need.
I can feel myself slipping towards PND again. My anxiety has come flooding back. I am sitting up all night tonight watching him and checking on DD, feeling like something awful is going to happen to them as I was not supposed to have children. I love them so much but even my milk is not good enough for them. My body has completely let me down from beginning to end. To top it all, my DGP have both been diagnosed with cancer in the last 3 months which has been difficult.
I did consider the possibility of having a 3rd child but I can't go through anymore. I can't survive another miscarriage or months of feeling so ill. I feel so battered and bruised by it all that I don't know how to begin to heal.
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AIBU?
To feel as if I have battled too hard for too long and that I have no more left to give (fertility/baby related)
50 replies
MrsSeanBean1 · 12/03/2014 01:17
OP posts:
brokenhearted55a ·
12/03/2014 06:20
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