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20 year old dd does very little and moans if asked to help.

(51 Posts)
mrsfuzzy Tue 11-Mar-14 08:43:31

she does college for 20 hours a week, an a 3/4 hour newspaper round 7 days a week, if she is in a reasonable mood she will do odd jobs on her terms but they are only half heartedly done, but the main hobby is watching t.v and playing on her tablet or phone, the other kids are more helpful and they resent her attitude to the house hold, she's been given the all clear from g.p regarding depression and talking therapy helped but she stopped going after a couple of months. she sees her mates and that is fine but it seems to be socialising and t.v rules her world, dand and i try to be supportive but it is getting to be very tough after 2 years of this, i have had to up my hours at work, to help the household as she won't get a part time job even though she's had a couple of offers, "can't be bothered to do it" is the response when asked. help!!!

Normalisavariantofcrazy Tue 11-Mar-14 08:45:03

She's 20. Politely (or not) start mentioning maybe she should move into a house share...then she'll realise she can't be lazy!!

TheGreatHunt Tue 11-Mar-14 08:48:27

Why was she referred to the gp in the first place?

How are her iron levels?

I would set out rules. When I was at home at that age I had chores - not in return for money. These include washing my own clothes. I didn't dare not do them!

Allergictoironing Tue 11-Mar-14 08:50:04

I am a cruel, evil woman who is old-school enough to think anyone over 18 should be expected where practicable to pull their own weight, and that not teaching offspring about the realities of Real Life (TM) people are doing their DC a dis-service.

Stop doing her washing, cleaning, cooking, buying any personal items e.g. clothes, showergels, shampoo etc. Do absolutely nothing for her, and when she complains tell her you "can't be bothered to do it". grin

ilovesooty Tue 11-Mar-14 08:51:17

How does she finance her socialising? Stop giving her any money, or doing any cooking, washing or ironing for her. Behave like a doormat and she'll walk all over you.

RoaringTiger Tue 11-Mar-14 08:51:48

It was made clear to me that when I turned 16 I needed to have a part time job to support myself through college as my parents couldn't afford too other than the basics...it was also made clear that if I choose not to go to college I would be expected to work and contribute to the household costs. I helped out around the house, cooking teas, cleaning etc as well. I went to college and worked two part time jobs around it, when I left college and went full time at work I moved into a house share before getting my own place a year later. I also had depression and at that time was a self harmer.
Everyone with depression is different but turning down a job because she 'can't be bothered' sounds more lazy than depressed. I think you should lay out the terms you are happy with, jobs she should do around the house and that you expect her to get a job and help contribute and give her a time limit of doing so.

mrsjay Tue 11-Mar-14 08:55:09

show her the door she is 20 tell her to pull her weightshe can find somewhere else to live, i have a 20 year old at uni working part time still living at home she has to do her share why are you treating your daughter like a sulky teen she is a young woman an adult do you cook wash and iron for her

NigellasDealer Tue 11-Mar-14 08:55:35

she won't get a part time job even though she's had a couple of offers, "can't be bothered to do it"
seriously do you give her money then? maybe you should stop, she sounds a bit pampered.

TheGreatHunt Tue 11-Mar-14 09:00:39

I am a cruel, evil woman who is old-school enough to think anyone over 18 should be expected where practicable to pull their own weight, and that not teaching offspring about the realities of Real Life (TM) people are doing their DC a dis-service

You sound like my dear foster mum. It was the best thing she did. I hated it at the time but eternally grateful to her now! Actually even when younger I knew deep down she was right!

ilovesooty Tue 11-Mar-14 09:01:37

I'd take her tablet and phone off her if you paid for them and sell them.

Aussiemum78 Tue 11-Mar-14 09:02:48

I'm confused about the paper round - she does 3-4 hours a day? Plus 20 hours of college (and study at home?).

I read that as she's potentially working and studying 50 hours a week.

I think as a minimum cleaning her own room, clothes and any mess around the house, plus financing any luxuries like a social life. When I was at uni, I was expected to do a portion of the housework, pay for my own clothes/books, have a job. I didn't pay board though.

NigellasDealer Tue 11-Mar-14 09:03:48

i think a paper round takes about 45 minutes, that is what she meant.

whois Tue 11-Mar-14 09:04:57

Three quarters of an hour! Not three to four.

Marylou62 Tue 11-Mar-14 09:12:58

I think this is 2 problems. Maybe the depression is caused because she has no purpose in life, she could be bored and this is leading to the 'can't be bothered' attitude. My DCs have all worked since they were 14.(easy here as holiday jobs I know). It was expected of them. I refused to give them any money. I think you need a good chat with her and have a list of things to be done. Tell her you expect it and there is no negotiation. I know my DS was older (23) but we got fed up with his laziness that we practically threw him out. It was very, very, hard and we felt like terrible parents but he says it was the best thing we did. I really feel for you but being a good parent is all about teaching them that life is not always easy. Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 11-Mar-14 09:19:32

i have had to up my hours at work, to help the household as she won't get a part time job even though she's had a couple of offers, "can't be bothered to do it" is the response when asked.

During her depression you must have been very worried for her but now she has had the all-clear, time for a change.

If she were an only child it wouldn't be healthy for her to be coddled and allowed to slack, as she has siblings it seems unfair on them as well as on you & DH to let her get away with this.

Maybe celebrate the coming of spring with a fresh look at how everyone especially DD contributes to the household, materially, spiritually, what have you, then she won't feel got at.

flowery Tue 11-Mar-14 09:20:12

If she refused a part time job how does she manage to pay you rent and fund her socialising. Because as she's an adult, you're not paying for those things are you?

magimedi Tue 11-Mar-14 09:24:21

I am a clone of Allergic (except even older).

You are not doing her any favours by allowing this.

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe Tue 11-Mar-14 09:28:29

Stop giving her money, tell her she has a certain amount of time to find somewhere e.g a room in a house share (if she was at uni she'd have to either do that, or stay at home and pay board or at least contribute to the chores!), if she's turned down offers for part-time work then it sounds like sheer laziness - she can sit and watch TV all day and socialise with her friends, while being fed and housed, at no cost to her.

You can tell her what to do. She may not be a child anymore, but she's still living under your roof (those are the exact words my mum used when I went home from uni for the summer last year) - if you tell her to do something, she needs to do it or there needs to be consequences.

bluntasabullet Tue 11-Mar-14 09:34:45

You really need to put your foot down.

Tell her that things are changing, she can't sit on her backside all the time. Tell her you want rent money, and suggest that she looks for a place of her own if she refuses.

She needs a clear cut list of expectations as well. So a list of chores and things you want doing during the week.

shewhowines Tue 11-Mar-14 09:34:48

She needs to pay you rent (even if you save it up secretly for her). Take all of her paper round money off her, as a start towards the rent and ask her how she is going to pay the rest. Don't give her any extra. If she refuses then tough love is required and you need her to move out. She is not a child anymore and should not be treated as one. She needs to do her fair share of chores too.

You are enabling her to "not be bothered"

Anniegoestotown Tue 11-Mar-14 09:52:48

Can I ask why she is bothering to study if when she is done studying she cannot be bothered to get a job.

When she has done studying the reality is if she hasn't got a c.v. Showing that she has been working then the most she will get is a basic job that she will have to work her way up the job ladder from. But then by the time she has got the basic job out of the way a new batch of uni/college leavers will be competing with her for the better jobs. She will be up against those that have taken on part time work and showed themselves to be reliable self starters.

mrsfuzzy Tue 11-Mar-14 09:56:08

hi everyone, thanks for the great advice but i should have added that i don't cook for her, clean room or do her laundry. she earns £20 a week for her paper round, but has no other income so she buys her toiletries etc out of the £20, clothles are from charity, and generally meets out with a couple of friends at their homes or out for a mcdonalds once a week. we stopped her allowance at 17 [she had £60 a month] for clothles and personal spending, bus fares etc. 'i've upped my hours due to the rising costs of everything, financially trimmed back to the bone,don't drive etc. but am grateful for what we do have. any thoughts on what to do with her? am on a day off today and she has disappeared to her bedroom for the day as i am at home and won't allow the t.v on all day.

KashewK Tue 11-Mar-14 10:00:20

Move to a smaller house?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Tue 11-Mar-14 10:02:23

Watching this with interest. My dsis has the same issue with her 17 yr old dd. She won't even go to school and as she and her husband work full time they cannot be at home to ensure she does.

She has claimed to have depression but has refused to see the GP.

She is very rude to my dsis and does not do any housework other than washing her own clothes. I have told my dsis she needs to be tougher, but she is reluctant as she is worried it could worsen her depression. I don't think my advice is particularly valid as my own kids are six and under.

Thanks for starting this thread op and sorry for the hijack blush

mrsfuzzy Tue 11-Mar-14 10:03:21

ilovesooty, no we did not buy the phone or tablet she got those from her bio father, she goes to college, i think as a cop out it is only three days a week and finished by 3pm for the best part,

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