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Was I wrong to shout at my sister over the phone?

(66 Posts)
bengal38 Mon 10-Mar-14 23:13:11

It was my dad's birthday last weekend but as he wasn't feeling well my mum told us not to go round to see him for his birthday. We did all ring to wish him a Happy Birthday though.

Last Thursday my MIL invited us to go to her house for a Barbecue yesterday (Sunday). I told my mum that I had got my dad a present and when it would be convenient to go round to see my dad and give the present as they were in/out over the weekend.

My mum then asked me if I was going round for dinner and I explained to her that I couldn't as MIL had invited me to go round to eat at her house on the Sunday. I asked if I could go round on Saturday instead for dinner and she said she couldn't as she was going out with friends on that night.

My mum said ok but then she phoned me back after 5 mins and said that it was her turn on Sunday (my sister does turns but I don't and my parents already knew that) and she was going to do my dad a birthday cake. I told her that she shouldn't have left it to the last minute to tell me and I had already accepted MILs invitation.

Later on my sister phoned me up to ask me why I wasn't go round to my mum's for dinner and I said to her exactly what I told my mum. She then started to say to me that I was out of order as my mum was going to arrange a birthday cake for my dad and that I should ring up my MIL to tell her that I am not going to be going there to eat and that I am going to go to my mums for dinner. I told her no as that wouldn't be very nice as I had already accepted her invitation to go.

She then told me it was my mums turn but I told her that I don't do turns and that I just go to who-ever invites us as a family first. There are some Sundays though where we do stay at home as a family. Also my sister doesn't get on with her inlaws so is at my parents mostly for dinner rather than taking it in turns anyway.

It ended up with me losing my patience with her, shouting at her and putting the phone down on her.

I went on Sunday afternoon to give my dad his card/present and my mum didn't even acknowledge my existence that I was there so after not even 30 mins I got the kids and left.

My sister is still not talking to me and my mum hasn't even phoned me but I did call her tonight and she was very very off with me on the phone.

AlpacaLypse Mon 10-Mar-14 23:15:30

They all sound like a bunch of tantrumming teenagers tbh!

SallyMcgally Mon 10-Mar-14 23:17:16

What alpaca said. YANBU. Your Mum and your sister need to grow up.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Mon 10-Mar-14 23:19:41


they are both being ridiculous, just ignore them until they stop sulking

LegoCaltrops Mon 10-Mar-14 23:21:51

They do sound rather childish. Leave them to stew, sooner or later they will calm down (hopefully?) Can you go & see your dad separately, it doesn't sound like he was involved in the argument?

bumbleymummy Mon 10-Mar-14 23:22:01

I actually think you're a bit UR. Would your MIL have been very put out if you'd explained that it was your Dad's bday and your mum had arranged dinner/cake? I know my MIL wouldn't have minded at all!

PerpendicularVince Mon 10-Mar-14 23:23:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bengal38 Mon 10-Mar-14 23:26:15

To LegoCaltrops
I did see my dad on Sunday and he seemed his normal, talkative and cheerfull self

To Bumbleymummy
I get your point and yes I did think to myself after-wards that maybe I should have phoned up my MIL and told her what you said but I don't see why I should have to of done that when my MIL told me first

Kandypane Tue 11-Mar-14 07:20:55

Sorry I also would have cancelled on mil. He is your one and only dad after all, and it was his birthday.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 11-Mar-14 07:29:40

I too would have cancelled at your mil. She can have a get together any weekend of the year, your dad's birthday is only once a year.

Gatekeeper Tue 11-Mar-14 07:34:39

It wasn't his birthday yesterday though, it was the previous weekend

Cranky01 Tue 11-Mar-14 07:37:39

Yanbu, your mum and sister are, your mum could have cancelled her Saturday plans with her friends but did, yet expected you to cancel yours. I think that's a bit of a piss take tbh

Cranky01 Tue 11-Mar-14 07:38:08


Funnyfoot Tue 11-Mar-14 07:40:11

Sorry but I wouldn't have cancelled MIL.

I don't understand why adults make such a fuss of birthdays. The only really important birthday is the day you are born. After that it's just counting.

You DM left it pretty late to make arrangements with you and I applaud your integrity for not breaking arrangements with MIL even though your DM & DS threw their teddy's out the cot!
Spend extra time with DF on fathers day as I doubt his birthday mattered that much to him anyway.

Casmama Tue 11-Mar-14 07:40:58

It's a birthday cake for a grown man not a fucking royal garden party!
I wonder if there is more to it though- do you think they resent that you never host?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 11-Mar-14 07:43:44

There aren't many occasions when I would bump an invitation that I had already accepted - generally I think it's rude - but my dad's birthday would be one of them.

Sorry - I would have cancelled mil.

waltermittymissus Tue 11-Mar-14 07:49:25

I would have cancelled my MIL if I knew there was something being done to acknowledge my dad's birthday, albeit a week late.

Whether other people think adults should celebrate their birthdays or not, the OP's dad was and that should have been a priority IMO

VikingLady Tue 11-Mar-14 08:01:15

Do you usually roll over for them? Are they sulking to pull you back in line?

And no, you don't cancel on someone (anyone) because you've had a better offer!

HoneyDragon Tue 11-Mar-14 08:21:06

Op. Had it been an impromptu late celebration for FiL's birthday instead would your Mum and Sister be fine with you cancelling your plans with them at the last minute?

I don't think UABU. You declined the BBQ. Once you had been told it was for your Dads Birthday you tried to reach several compromises. You tried, your mum and sister are being petulant.

ENormaSnob Tue 11-Mar-14 08:33:10

I wouldnt have cancelled on mil.

Your mum and sister are pathetic.

And if the sodding birthday cake was so important you would have had more notice to attend.

ChasedByBees Tue 11-Mar-14 08:41:18

I wouldn't have cancelled either. If he can celebrate a week late then he can celebrate again when you are free.

Diamondsareagirls Tue 11-Mar-14 08:44:28

YANBU - why should you have to cancel your plans because your side of the family didn't get organised in time? If your DM wanted to make such a fuss of your DFs birthday she should have let people know with more notice.

My family are like this - everything is organised at the last minute and because I am the only one who has in laws I am seen to be the awkward one.

Don't fuel their tantrums OP. You are an adult and it is not your fault if they can't live in the adult world.

Birdsgottafly Tue 11-Mar-14 09:01:21

I would of asked if there were plans, in the first place.

But that is the norm in my family, we do plan for everyone's Birthday, it's my Birthday the end of March and we have had show tickets booked for months.

If someone was I'll (my Mun currently has Cancer), then we would postpone until the following weekend.

Is your Dads health starting to deteriorate? Or was it a one off cold/virus?

I would imagine that your Mum might of felt he needed the lift of his family, including Grandchildren having cake, including photos etc.

I would of asked MIL and explained, anyone reasonable would think that a close relatives Birthday, that had been I'll, would come first.

Birthdays do matter to some people, BBQ's can take place anytime. I have lovely memories of my Grand parents (which include their Birthdays) and they are relationships that I value as having.

Maybe shouting wasn't the best option - but sometimes it's understandable

My parents always say to me if you've resorted to shouting you've lost the argument, and that just sticking calmly to your guns is better.

But believe me I do not thing YABU at all.

Had something very similar with my Mom recently about Sunday dinners - I politely declined a couple of invites due to already having plans and I got a stroppy text about her just telling her I didn't want to come round anymore and she would stop asking.

I ignored it completely - have accepted one further invitation to dinner and rejected a couple.

I haven't heard anything from her about it since. So either she has realised, or my Dad has talked sense into her, that I have a life that I need to live and that an invitation is just that - and can be accepted or declined politely and that should be the end of the story!!!

I would just ignore it. Let it all blow over. And if you are asked about it again just keep reitterating what you have already said - you did the right thing!!

HoneyDragon Tue 11-Mar-14 09:15:31

But there were plans to go over on fils birthday and they were cancelled.

It is unreasonable to insist on attendance for something last minute and be totally inflexible about it. And rude to assume any existing longer standing plans should be dropped.

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