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to be slightly sad that all my mummy friends are going back to work?!

(31 Posts)
mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 18:53:27

Please don't flame me!! I do know how amazing my dp is and I am loving watching my dd develop and am excited to be able to be there for all her firsts etc but where all my friends are going back to work because they can't afford not to I am becoming a sahm because I can't afford to go back to work.

I talked to my employer prior to maternity leave about P/T options for going back however they have already said that my job won't be viable and the options they gave me aren't any good as I have a physical injury (work related) which means that I simply can't do them. Even if I could childcare here is £45 a day at its cheapest and due to to the distance to work I can only do about 6 hours a day which only earns me £40 pre tax which just doesn't make financial sense at all. Working any closer increases the hours but drops the salary and also the opportunities available as it's a high unemployment area.

I am quite sad that I am going to lose all the amazing friends inhale made as they go back to work as I have already lost all my friends bar one since dd was born. In spite of me trying to stay in touch amd arrange meet ups etc people don't reply or turn up sad

I suffer from depression and anxiety which means I find making friends really hard and am scared I will head down hill again

DoJo Mon 10-Mar-14 19:02:11

Are none of your friends going back part time? Could you ensure that you stay in touch on their days off, or organise a weekend event once a month or something so that you can still see each other.

Are there any toddler groups in your area? The chances are that there will be some SAHMs who frequent these and might be in the same position as you, so maybe they could be a source of new contacts and people to meet up with for child related fun.

mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 19:06:28

One is but she has her sisters kids in an afternoon and has been asked to apply for a f/T position

I will be trying to arrange etc but based on current experience I am worried we will lose touch amd drift apart.

I have tried surestart and toddler groups but walking in on my own I find excruciatingly terrifying and sets off every bit of my anxiety. I have only managed the weigh in clinics through a couple of acquaintances that were also pg

I am probably being a drama queen and it will all be fine but I worry!

DoJo Mon 10-Mar-14 19:20:37

If you have a Surestart centre, could you speak to the people who run it - they are usually really good at introducing people to one another and you can almost guarantee that there will be someone who is in the same position as you. I totally understand that anxiety makes things harder, but if you think of it as doing something for your daughter would that make it seem more doable? Because she will benefit from you taking her out and meeting people, so even if you just pop in and tell the people who run the centre how you feel you would be taking a massive first step.

(I do not recommend meeting other mums in the way I had to last week - by apologising for my son pulling her son's hair! It broke the ice, but wasn't my first choice of conversation starters!)

Sarahschuster Mon 10-Mar-14 19:22:36

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Chippednailvarnish Mon 10-Mar-14 19:23:26

If it bothers you that much look for a part time job closer to home. It might help with you anxiety.

As for not taking home much pay, welcome to parenthood...

Sarahschuster Mon 10-Mar-14 19:23:42

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ThatBloodyWoman Mon 10-Mar-14 19:28:04

Sarah do you have anything at all constructive to say?

Ignore the unnecessary and unhelpful comments, op .

parakeet Mon 10-Mar-14 19:28:47

Hello - please ignore nasty people. I also found that friendships made during antenatal groups and maternity leave dwindled as most of us went back to work, mainly part or full time. But then I put more effort into finding local friends who hung out at the same groups on the same days as me and that helped.

I also used the Netmums find-a-friend local pages, which is a bit like online dating for finding friends. It worked. Good luck.

wobblyweebles Mon 10-Mar-14 19:30:11

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ThatBloodyWoman Mon 10-Mar-14 19:30:42

Can you talk to your dp, op?

Does he/she know how you are feeling?

IneedAwittierNickname Mon 10-Mar-14 19:31:32

I found the netmums meet a mum board to be good. Or does your area have a mums group? I've made some.friends that way too smile

curiousgeorgie Mon 10-Mar-14 19:34:55

I kind of had this situation, although it was initially my choice to be a SAHM.

I found getting out to groups, rhyme time at the library (free!) and doing things like Gymboree and swimming naturally helped me to make mum friends...

What area are you in? I'm sure there will be lots of things local to you people can suggest?

MaryWestmacott Mon 10-Mar-14 19:39:43

Op, this is a normal stage, sadly! However, you won't be the only one in this boat, a lot of other mums either not going back, or only going back pt will find a lot if their friends won't be available.

If you find starting conversation with strangers tricky at toddler groups, can you afford one or two baby/toddler classes a week? That way you'll have other mums with similar aged dcs at them, (who also might be finding their network of mummy friends has dwindled) and as there's an activity, it's less pressured to keep up conversations.

(If you were interested on exploring work options too, can your DP do one end of drop off or pick up, so you can go in early or leave later, thereby increasing the hours you can do to a full day and making it more financially viable, I know if you've been the primary carer for a year there's often an assumption that you'll continue to do all the work and if you are paying someone else, then it falls to you to make the logistics suit, but your dd has two parents)

Salmotrutta Mon 10-Mar-14 19:39:52

Well don't you sound like a little Ray of sunshine Sarahschuster? hmm

OP, I'd second trying activity type things like rhyme time etc.

You can be absorbed in the activity if you are shy and maybe gain some confidence bit by bit.

NearTheWindymill Mon 10-Mar-14 19:48:20

OP can't you think about going to these things as being for your baby and just take a deep breath and go. I used to go to things on my own and there were always lots of lovely people there and some of them were lonely and a bit anxious too wink. Just because everyone looks full of beans don't be fooled. I bet a lot of the returning mums would swap with you in a flash. All you have to do to make people warm to you is to say something nice about their child. Along the lines of

"what beautiful hair"
"what a lovely top"
"is she/he your youngest/eldest"
"where do you live"
"isn't it hard"

mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 19:53:55

thanks ladies i will invesitgiate all the good advice

Sarahschuster what a vile, vindictive and disgusting excuse for a human being you are! You have no idea what the etymology is behind my username so grow up and go back to your homework

EurotrashGirl Mon 10-Mar-14 19:57:54

Is there a local depression support group you could attend?

mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 19:59:02

I have chatted to DP who is bending over backwards, he has paid for us to do water babies so i am hoping that will be a good way to meet people.

unfortunately he works nights and a really stupid shift pattern so we can't work the child care between us and without me going back to my old level of job which was ridiculously stressful and high pressured we couldn't afford for him to come off that shift.

i am hoping i am worrying about nothing and by taking some of your advice i will be ok, just frightened of becoming isolated i guess and then ending up clinging to dp for adult interaction!

mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 20:00:47

eurotrash yeah my GP recommended them a few years ago, unfortunately they are not child friendly and are at times when i have no access to childcare sad

my mum has offered to drop her hours at work so i could go back two days but as others will have read my thread about her pyscho takeover bid on dd that is absolutely my last resort!!

Strawberryteddybear Mon 10-Mar-14 21:26:54

Do you have local children's centres?

We are fortunate to have a lot in our area so we're at activitys most of the week, all the mums are always friendly. Some more than others but I tell myself that i'm there for my DS and if have a nice chat while I'm there its a bonus! Some of the mums I met a few months back have disappeared so I assume they are back at work but there are always new people who are attending for the first time.

How old is your dd? We're at early toddler stages so i'm always running around after him so it's not so much pressure to always make conversation!

Good luck.

mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 21:32:52

there are but the couple i have tried have been incredibly clicky iyswim and they seem to not want to include neewbies. from what i understand the group who regularly go are all on their second/third child and have been going with the same group since number 1. so far they have also been younger mums - i would say in their early to mid 20's so i have very little in common with them as am mid 30's and some of the things they chat about - tv shows, music etc i stuff i have never heard of

InvaderZim Mon 10-Mar-14 21:44:07

I actually found my friendships with other SAHMs blossomed after DD turned 1. I started taking her to local toddler groups (and I have some social anxiety so I'm with you on that one, I took a deep breath and plunged in) and found local SAHPs at one group who I clicked with. Then if I ran into them at other groups or Surestart I had someone to chat to. If I didn't have anyone, I just focussed on playing with DD.

A few years on and now I run one of the toddler groups and I know loads of people. Go fiure!

PurplePidjin Mon 10-Mar-14 21:48:09

I'm in a similar position - no point doing a minimum wage childcare job in order to pay for childcare for my own child and i'm massively more qualified and experienced than most nursery workers I worked with while temping and pregnant too

Church toddler groups are ace. Someone brings you a cup of tea, and I spend so long making sure ds isn't bashing and tripping the other children that I barely talk to anyone! Try the little independent churches, they have the best biscuits - there's one near me that has amaretti biscuits and proper cafetiere coffee for the grown ups grin

mymiraclebubba Mon 10-Mar-14 21:56:27

that's reassuring invader thanks! i will keep my fingers crossed - dd is coming up 7 months so will look forward to the toddler groups

Purple i will investigate the church ones, the church she was christened in has a group but it only runs once a month and i was the only one with a baby, and whilst the leader made me very welcome the rest of the group were very stand offish sad

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