In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).
Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).
Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

[rubyslippers]

YANBU

And she should offer to pay! No one he's anything for free even if it is mates rateS

if you don't want her to use it, then tell her for all the reasons you state

[ReputableBiscuit]

YABU because you invited her to do it, and then said yes when she asked. Grow a spine!

[ReputableBiscuit]

Or say 'you're welcome to use it, but we will need a hundred pounds to cover costs'.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You're going to actually have to be honest instead of overly polite effusive idiotic British.

You got yourself into this while pissed, now fess up and tell the truth.

[formerbabe]

You shouldn't have offered in the first place!

[Muppetsbitch]

What biscuit said.

Sorry but people like you wind me up. You want to present yourself as this generous person but don't actually want to follow through and then have the nerve to call her a selfish freeloader for taking you up on the offer that you yourself made!

Next time don't offer if you don't mean it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yabvvu as you offered, now she has taken you up on that offer and it does not stand anymore your in a bit of a pickle. Just tell her you changed your mind and don't want to rent it out to other people anymore. Be honest to your friend, you said she is a good friend, she should understand.

[GilmoursPillow]

I think you're going to have to accept it his time but be ready to say no next time she asks.

Get your reasons lined up ready and run through them in your head so she doesn't catch you unaware.

[olgaga]

You could tell her that this will be the last opportunity as from this September you're thinking of renting it out through an agency as the mortgage is so expensive.

Or you could just say no - it's become more of a second home than a holiday home.

[Muppetsbitch]

Sorry cheeky freeloader, not selfish.

[workingtolive]

Tell her asap that it's not possible, you should state the reasons you give here.
If she is a real friend she will understand.
I think the most horrible thing would be to go ahead and let her use it but be resentful.

You do not have to justify it, just say you made a mistake, you are very sorry and it's just not an option for you to loan it out at the moment.

[Rooners]

Tell her you have already got a booking for that week/month and are being paid £xxx

so unfortunately you can't

That's the sneaky option

Otherwise I think you just need to come clean and say actually, it wasfine last year but now it has become more of a second home, and we have a lot of personal stuff there and can't get our heads round the insurance aspects for that reason.

Be very sorry but stay firm.

[lainiekazan]

I think if you've already said yes then it would be difficult to go back on that without seriously damaging the friendship.

But I can't believe she expects to stay for nothing. If you rented it, then friends couldn't presume to stay free when that would be depriving you of several hundred pounds of income. Probably a lot of hundred pounds in July. She left two bottles of wine! That was the bargain break of the aeon!

Actually you could limit the situation and offer her a few days in July, not the whole week, saying you'll be staying there on one of the weekends. And then after that just say no, sorry, you want to be able to go there on the spur of the moment yourself and can't commit to offering it to others.

[Deliaskis]

YWBU to offer, agree to it, then withdraw the offer/agreement.

YWNBU to say 'costs will be 100 to cover bills etc. for that week', and in future just say no, you waffled on about flexibility, but that probably didn't really mean anything concrete to your friend, just say 'we are planning on using it a lot more for weekends from now on so it's not going to be available'.

D

[BackforGood]

Yes, YABU - you offered, now are moaning when she's asking to take you up on it.

If you have a holiday flat/caravan/house/ then you need to be very clear from the start (or start now) that you are :

a) not letting it out to anyone, ever, at all
or
b) using it as a money maker and letting it out for all but the 2 weeks a year you will be there
or
c) will be using it every weekend yourself, but if anyone wants a mid-week break they are welcome but have to leave it on Friday morning, ready for you to come in, and you will charge £20 for the accommodation per night used {or whatever you think is reasonable}
or
Whatever other arrangement you choose.
It's entirely up to you, and YANBU with any of them,

but you can't say one thing and then resent people taking you up on that.

[fieldfare]

You've already said yes, so you can't really backtrack now. It's your own doing. However, if you don't want anyone else to use it again, then don't offer and say no when they ask!

[Rooners]

Sorry x posts with like everyone

I think you are OK to change your mind though - for the reasons I just gave.

Insurance, and it becoming more personal a space than it was last year.

That's Ok. Things are allowed to change.

[OpalQuartz]

I think you should go along with it this time as you have already said yes to her. Just make sure you have reasons lined up for next time.

[SallyMcgally]

I would put up with it this time, but line my excuses up for the future. If you're annoyed by bills, then it would be fine to ask her for a contribution for those. I don't necessarily think she was unreasonable not to offer - some people worry that they'll offend people by offering and make up for it with a nice present (though v annoying if you don't get the present.) It sounds as if you offered without thinking it through. I don't think your friend was unreasonable to ask.

[AlpacaLypse]

You can't really get out of the week in July. But you can make it clear that you'll need a contribution towards the utility bills while they're there, and you can ensure you're not caught on the hop while a bit tiddly ever again.

You could ensure you take home any really personal stuff the last time you visit before the week they've asked for.

[kali110]

Yabvu!i dont think shes being a freeloader. You offered, she asked, you agreed and now you're moaning. Think youre being unfair. Next time just say no.

[lougle]

Minge-teasing? Nice phrase.

OP, you need to let it go this time but then draw a line and say that you're not lending it out anymore.

[SoyYo]

Thanks for your replies. It is my fault I agree, helped by a few glasses. At the time I didn't know I would feel so...possessive? about it. It is costing us a fair bit of money to do it up/pay for it, but mostly I just don't like the idea of people shagging on my bed, using my toiletries, etc. When I offered I just didn't know I would feel this way as it was in the early days of owning it. Though we were intelligent enough not to advertise it to all and sundry...not wanting to open the floodgates. It is also true it is a luxury we can just about afford...without having to pay for other people to run baths, electric, gas, etc.

[edwinbear]

YABU. You offered and agreed to this week in July which she has now presumably made plans around. Does she have children who are looking forward to this holiday? I think you have to suck it up this time, but let her know you won't be able to accomodate her after this, as you have spent a lot of time and money making it into a second home which changes things slightly from when you initially offered.