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To find my family and inlaws incredibly hard work ...

(32 Posts)
Odaat Mon 10-Mar-14 09:30:28

I love my parents deeply and would defend them to the last... But i find that the relationship with them is hard work, we often argue despite not seeing eachother a lot. I also find inlaws unbearable- (though they are,literally, nuts)

I just feel like such a failure that I seem to alway be at logger heads with someone in the bloody family.. I dont argue wrh friends, dh (much) etc... Just family. I know it is partly me too, so I feel very low and annoyed with myself. I am not laid back and can be neurotic at times- I just wish I could get alog with them like others seem too. It do they? AIBU to presume perhaps lots of families argue regularly though?

Odaat Mon 10-Mar-14 09:31:23

*or do they, sorry.

kim147 Mon 10-Mar-14 09:49:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Odaat Mon 10-Mar-14 11:12:43

Thanks kim ... Glad to know I am not the only one!

DizzyBlonde80 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:30:07

I hate family meals etc. We don't really argue, but that results in a lot of underlying tension which I think is worse. At some point I'm going to completely blow up at my MIL and my brother who both think the world revolves around them.

Odaat Mon 10-Mar-14 11:32:10

dizzy i hate that tension too and agree it is worse! My mil and dm both do the passive aggresive with ease - they're both very good at it. Its horrible. When i blow up at them though i always regret it..

DizzyBlonde80 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:41:57

odaat do you regret it because you feel like the bad guy or because of the way other people react to you doing it?

Odaat Mon 10-Mar-14 11:55:16

I just think being assertive is over-rated! I look at others who are more chilled and wont confront anyone or defend themselves. They seem to be push overs but atleast they have a quiet life, at the expense of their integrity perhaps. But speakin out and arguing just causes mayhem a lot of the time (maybe its because I am dealing with nutjobs )

HoleyGhost Mon 10-Mar-14 13:51:45

It is often about anxiety. People who are anxious set others on edge, tension builds. It is much easier to assertively handle digs when you are feeling relaxed and self assured.

Maybe take the time for some mindfulness before the family gathering?

Odaat Mon 10-Mar-14 14:51:18

You are deffo onto something there holey ghost.
What exactly do you mean by mindfulness , sorry?

DizzyBlonde80 Mon 10-Mar-14 16:33:54

Mmm I agree with the anxiety thing in some situations but not all. If people are used to walking all over you and you try to assert yourself, it doesn't go down very well sometimes. The worst are those who like to shout you down before you can say your piece.

HoleyGhost Mon 10-Mar-14 22:25:56

I meant mindfulness meditation as a way of preparing for family gatherings. I find it helps me avoid getting wound up.

HoleyGhost Mon 10-Mar-14 22:31:02

The arseholes who would not even let you speak tend to feel entitled due to their notions of status in the family. You probably won't change their minds by arguing.

elmerelephant Tue 11-Mar-14 13:51:43

My family are as mad as hatters, so when met my DH and he had a normal family, I was so pleased, however, I obviously dont know what "normal" is as they are all as bad but behind the scenes.

So my PILs drive me mad, just like my parents but in a completely different way.

A nunnery sounds fantastic sometimes!!!!

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 11-Mar-14 14:00:46

Oh goodness, YANBU!

I love my folks but I can take them only one at a time and in small doses. And exPIL staying with us for two weeks drove me to the brink of insanity. I have a faint memory of a friend patting my head and saying 'there, there' and have mostly suppressed my other memories of that time. grin

uptheauntie Tue 11-Mar-14 15:28:05

You certainly are not the only one!!!!

RoaringTiger Tue 11-Mar-14 15:43:19

Oh gosh you are so not the only one! If I could move to an island away from both mine and dp family it would be fantastic! Honestly I could write a full novel series of the drama from both sides just in the last 4 years alone and I'm used as the scapegoat by both sides :/

Amber76 Tue 11-Mar-14 16:33:49

I have a huge family and some members are fab, some are dreadful. Your sort of stuck with family whether you like it or not. And you are forced together on a reasonably regular basis.

I'm having a child's birthday party in a few weeks and I had to invite everyone even though I don't like some of them - there is a lot of underlying tension and resentment and anger within the family. I have had two brothers already say that they won't go because another particular person is there.

I think whoever said trying to be relaxed and not anxious about these things hit the nail on the head - I have to try to ignore little digs and things. And equally I really want to say things to some people but can't because it would start world war three.

My dh always points out that its just a few hours every few weeks and if you try and not think about them at all in between seeing them that it isn't so bad.

Odaat Tue 11-Mar-14 19:21:58

A nunnery in Australia would be Utopia!
So glad I am not alone. I know everyone struggles with tier family- but glad its not just me with PILs too.
Some of your comments really made me laugh too- as I can majorly identify! Thanks everyone ;)

Odaat Tue 11-Mar-14 19:22:43

Amber that is very true, a few hours a week is nothing really.

hamptoncourt Tue 11-Mar-14 19:28:02

Sorry you are having a hard time. Maybe read the thread about the woman whose MIL has been pissing on her toothbrush? Might make you feel a bit better about your 'Orrible Lot!!!

kim147 Tue 11-Mar-14 19:29:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewMummee Tue 11-Mar-14 19:33:48

I too have family/ inlaws issues, we don't argue but inlaws are super OTT and highly strung and get all manic like when visiting DD and my family are so laid back that they don't do anything and that annoys me too! I always see others families as good so why is mine not how i expect them to be, I guess its just life and I am trying to be tolerant of them all and focus on what really matters, my DD

poocatcherchampion Tue 11-Mar-14 19:35:09

Ive got an image of your ILS being literally nuts. like big walnuts. its making me laugh. I'm clearly overtired grin

Odaat Tue 11-Mar-14 19:43:22

Haha poo !!?!!

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