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To find flaky friends infuriating?

(23 Posts)
Flyonthewindscreen Sun 09-Mar-14 17:32:07

I have a friend I have known since our DC were in playgroup (now in year 5). Our DC are not friends and as they get older and there is less hanging around at parties/school gates involved and me and friend are WOH more, if we want to keep in touch we need to make the effort to meet up for coffee or drinks from time to time.

"Ann" is someone I feel like I go back with, have stuff in common with and can have some great chats with but she continually texts asking to make a date for a drink, faffs about for ages not being able to find one she can do, and then 80% of the time will cancel on the day giving the excuse she is either tired or full of cold. Then not long after, the whole cycle starts again....

She has just cancelled on me now. I had the foresight to invite a few other friends along in case this happened and suggested that we go anyway but they think we should postpone as "Ann planned it so we should wait until she is free". I feel like a sad old lush desperate to drag people down to the village pub now!

nachohousekeeper Sun 09-Mar-14 17:38:46

YANBU. People like this irritate me. I'll come to the pub, I'm not the slightest bit flaky and I am a bit of n old lush grin

fluffyraggies Sun 09-Mar-14 17:39:35

YANBU OP

I have a friend who i have known since primary school. She's lovely, bless her, but boy is she hard work! Even back when i had 3 DCs under 5 and 4 part time jobs it was always her who was pedantic about exact times and places for meet ups, likely to cancel at late notice and only her who was often too 'stressed' or 'exhausted' to go through with arrangements as they had been made.

She was single, 1 easy job, no kids grin

MooseBeTimeForSpring Sun 09-Mar-14 18:04:55

YANBU. I have invited a friend and her son to each of my son's last two birthday parties. She accepts and then cries off on the day. What's worse is that she then contacts me to arrange a play date to hand over his present and then cries off on that too.

I know she's done it to others too.

scarffiend Sun 09-Mar-14 18:47:07

I have a friend like this too, drives me loopy. When we do arrange to meet up, it's always on her turf (we live 30 miles apart, so I have to drive up there) and then gets cancelled at the last minute. Have stopped even making baby sitter arrangements for when we agree to meet up, as 99 times out of 100 it gets called off. It really hacks me off.

stayanotherday Sun 09-Mar-14 18:57:55

Yanbu. You were sensible to invite others so you go out anyway and enjoy while this lady misses out. People get fed up of this eventually and Ann will not be asked anywhere.

I have a lovely friend too who lives alone in a remote place, no family, doesn't drive, never worked and has very few friends. Bored senseless and texts me about ten times a day to the point where I can't always reply. But as soon as I suggest going out it's impossible. I ask what time shall we meet, have food first and offer all the options. Nothing's right and when I ask her for suggestions I get nowhere. I just want to know what's happening and I work ft. Now I don't ask. We do voluntary work so I see her there but am seeing a show this week she'd enjoy but it's to

stayanotherday Sun 09-Mar-14 19:00:13

...too much like hard work. I would love her to come. This lady is very lonely but I can't do anymore.

stayanotherday Sun 09-Mar-14 19:03:01

You sound a great friend and a laugh OP. It's not you, lots of people are like this. Glad you're going out, you're right to go along with
your plans regardless. Hope you enjoy.

acsec Sun 09-Mar-14 19:09:58

I have a friend who i've known for 20 years who does this to me. It drives me mad!

i love her but she is so flaky. She gave me an 'experience' present for Christmas 2012 and was 'unable' to take me out for it until Christmas 2013. Anything we organise gets rearranged by her and she wonders why I let her do the organising rather than me organise something, knowing it's going to be cancelled by her.

stayanotherday Sun 09-Mar-14 19:15:40

Why oh why do people do this? They stop getting asked eventually as people get fed up. If they don't want to go then why not just say so? That would be understood.

Earlybird Sun 09-Mar-14 19:23:35

I've recently stopped being friends with a few people who act this way. Life is too short. Whatever positive there is in the friendship is outweighed by this sort of inconsiderate flakiness that is often barely acknowledged by the 'offender'. I don't take these decisions lightly because everyone can be flaky once or twice, and deserves a bit of leeway. Bu personally, I don't want to be treated this way - no matter how fun, intelligent or interesting a person is.

I sound like a barrel of laughs myself, don't I ? grin

stayanotherday Sun 09-Mar-14 19:31:24

You sound sensible Early as you're making way for better! No they can't see it but wonder why they miss out and there's no need for it.

redexpat Sun 09-Mar-14 20:27:41

I cannot deal with people like this. Everyone gets two strikes, then they're out. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have stick to arrangements, or cancel in good time.

TheBlinkeredHostess Sun 09-Mar-14 20:30:10

It's not on. You should tell her.

eddielizzard Sun 09-Mar-14 20:33:23

actually i think you've done the right thing. def go with your other friends and tell flaky friend. 'well i'm going anyway - you always cancel so i took precautions grin'.

shewhowines Sun 09-Mar-14 20:37:09

Yep, I have one. - DD's friends mum arranges things then invariably rearranges.

My default position is to assume it is not happening, I don't tell DD, then it is a pleasant surprise for DD, if it does happen.

Financeprincess Sun 09-Mar-14 20:47:42

No, OP, you are not.

Selfish cow. Cancelling on the day with a crap excuse makes it even worse. "Tired"? Either make an effort to attend the outing you arranged, or feck off.

Actually, perhaps you had a lucky escape. I can't think of many things duller than listening to some self-obsessed prima donna bleating about how tired she is, can you?

shallweshop Sun 09-Mar-14 20:52:56

God yes!!! Struggling a lot with a particular friend at the moment! She is a very dear, very old friend but has always had the flaky gene. I am completely unflaky and won't cancel an arrangement unless I have the plague. She drives me insane!

shallweshop Sun 09-Mar-14 20:55:59

Should have said YANBU.

WhoDaresWins Sun 09-Mar-14 21:28:04

God, just reading this thread is making my blood pressure go up

PansOnFire Sun 09-Mar-14 22:01:10

I've just made the decision to cut ties with a long standing friend for pretty much the same reason, I'm so tired of feeling hurt every time she lets me down. She left our town after a divorce which was not her choice, she was heartbroken and couldn't be around anything that reminded her of her 'old' life. She left and I was devastated but completely understood. We kept in touch via text and email, I told her that I'd always be there for her and that I understood that she couldn't bring herself to meet me.

I fell pregnant and told her via email, she congratulated me etc but I didn't expect her to be involved as a friend because after her divorce this was one of her biggest points of devastation. Fast forward 2 years and she started to suggest meet ups, we met once with a large group of us and no children, we had a great time and said we should do it again soon. She suggested it to me several times but then cancelled every time, despite once being when I'd already got on the train to meet her (2 hour journey) and her excuse was that she was too tired from her night out.

Then I find out she's being having fairly regular nights out with a mutual friend: I get the hysterical phone calls and suicidal emails and mutual friend gets fun nights out and shows in the West End. Pissed off doesn't come close. Anyway, I realised that that the baby issue might still hurt so I didn't mention to her or anyone else that I felt a bit hurt and left out. I just decided that I wouldn't be too available for the advice should it be needed, but I'd not make her feel abandoned.

I stopped being the one to get in touch, so that sort of spurred her on to contact me which I thought was a positive sign. However three cancellations late I realise that this friendship needs to end. This weekend was the last straw, she said she was desperate to meet me and my child (first time, he's almost 2) and I made quite difficult arrangements to make sure I could go, we'd organised and paid for travel to her. And of course, 11pm the night before she texts to cancel citing reasons to do with new boyfriend. I'm so hurt.

I'm not only going to continue to stop being the person to initiate contact but I'm not going to reply to her messages at all. I'm planning on doing this in a phased way, I'll take a few days to reply, then a few weeks until I just 'forget' altogether. I'm not trying to be awful and abandon my friend but it seems that she's moved on, she's having a great time with other friends and her boyfriend yet she can't include me in that for whatever reason. I think I have to accept that our friendship is over and if she questions my distancing then I will sit and talk to her about it. I can't just talk to her about it now because I think her mental health is frail and she doesn't need to guilt. But I've sat in tears for yet another weekend because my friend doesn't care about me, I've had PND and she was my closest friend, I did tell her but she didn't offer any support she just said it was normal.

Some friends are flaky because they don't have the courage to just break off the friendship. If you're sick of the cycle then perhaps it's time to just break it off for her? Look after yourself, if it's making you feel awful then you need to break it off.

shewhowines Sun 09-Mar-14 23:17:08

that sucks pans sad thanks

Flyonthewindscreen Mon 10-Mar-14 11:29:33

Thanks for replies, sorry so many of you have flaky friends also. I did get to go out last night but not with the original crowd who thought we "should wait until flaky friend can make it" you are going to have a long wait then i thought. I texted my lovely reliable friend from down the road to see if she was free and we had a pleasant couple of hours of chat and wine smile.

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