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to still let this man be affecting me nearly ten years later?

(37 Posts)
pinkbluegreenyellow Fri 07-Mar-14 20:58:27

I have recently returned to work after a few years as a sahm.

I previously had a career in sales which I hated. I started out getting on really well with the very alpha male boss, and he seemed to really like me. He had a huge ego, and on a work night out a few months into the job I ended up accidentally showing him up - without going into the details I made him look stupid, completely unintentionally. The following Monday I went into work and everything had changed. He was completely horrible to me from that point on. I would say he actually hated me. He would have conversations with everyone round the table and completely exclude me and refuse to make eye contact with me. I caught him completely slating me on a couple of occasions to other staff members. The dislike on his face was scary. Because of this I started to really mess up my work. I made a couple of moderately serious technical errors on the system we used because I was so anxious and afraid for my job - at the time I was a single mum and was terrified of getting the sack. This gained me the reputation of being an inept fool with anything technical which spread across the small team I worked in and people who were 'in' with him bought into this - jokes would be made ie Are you following all this pinkbluegreen, better explain it again to pinkbluegreen etc. I'm actually reasonably techno savvy but it became a self fulfilling prophecy and I started to make a lot of mistakes. My belief in myself was at an all time low by the time I left the company for another job. He genuinely hated me. One Christmas he drew me in the office secret santa and refused to get me anything - he gave the money to someone else and asked them to buy me something. I got engaged during my time in the job and he refused to congratulate me.On my last day he had to leave early and left without even saying goodbye to me.

This experience has just coloured my belief in myself to do any job effectively. I now have a part time job in a completely different sector but still feel as if this man and his junior manager who was a clone of him are sitting on my shoulder telling me that I'm useless. I've been put in charge of an area of work that is technical - the company's social media - and it's something that I've found myself to be pretty good at, I've had good results so far and have put together a sound social media strategy. Yet I cannot get away from the image of this man's sneering face and imagine him just laughing at the thought of an idiot like me being put in charge of anything technical. I worked for him for almost two years and I wonder if my self confidence will ever recover.

He has now left the organisation that we both worked for and has risen to the top of another huge organisation where he must earn 6 figures plus. He has taken on a few of our former colleagues which I saw recently on linkedin and it served another reminder that he liked everyone but me. I felt like such a useless pariah at that job and I wonder if I'll ever get past it.

Sorry this is long, I've never really put this down in writing before.

moralimbecile Sat 08-Mar-14 16:08:16

My ex evil boss also dropped dead at the gym! He bullied me, and the sad thing is that I went to work for him to escape being bullied in previous job. sad

AveryJessup Sat 08-Mar-14 16:16:29

Ha ha, that's priceless! 'I'm great at general knowledge and quizzes, me'.

10 wrong answers later...

'Just drop it! Why are you trying to make me look stupid? Waaah'

It's like the pub quiz scene out of The Office.

I find humor is a great way to cope at work too actually. The psychobitch who tried to get me fired was my friend's boss and she went through hell with her so we used to exchange e-mails all the time laughing at her expense and go for lunch together to get some comic relief.

The issue with me was that I had had an MC and been off sick but didn't tell anyone why except my friend. This psycho boss she had was desperate to find out if I'd had an MC but friend wouldn't reveal anything so she started making digs and comments. I called her aside for 'a word', saying medical stuff is private and doesn't concern anyone. She did NOT appreciate that and went off backstabbing me then to anyone who would listen.

Kind of a ridiculous person in retrospect. It can help if you can look on the funny side of things, I find, even if it's not funny at the time.

R2G Sat 08-Mar-14 16:29:30

Ps read Anne kreamer it's always personal. About recognising and managing emotion in the workplace and gender issue

SometimesLonely Sat 08-Mar-14 16:30:25

pinkbluegreenyellow His storming off because he couldn't answer the questions was just like my Ex! Embarrassment at failure. We'd play Scrabble, I'd be winning and you can guess what happened. The board was thrown so we could not finish the game .......

parkin2010 Sat 08-Mar-14 16:35:55

My heart went out to you reading your first post. Rest assured, you sound a nice person, anyone with half a brain will see him for what he is even if they are scared to admit it publicly. A climate of fear is always a horrible one. x

CrockedPot Sat 08-Mar-14 16:47:03

He sounds like an absolute prick. He hated you because his ego couldn't handle the fact that his general knowledge wasn't good, and he knew it. He was a bully, who took his petty revenge on you for his own failings. I would be willing to be he had been an unpopular child and been shown up before. Your quiz must have thrown up all manner of dark memories to behave like that.
Please, please try and put this nob head behind you...he really isn't worth the emotional energy you are spending on him. You are now free of him and his toxic environment, don't let him continue to have an impact.

WilsonFrickett Sat 08-Mar-14 16:55:55

I think CBT would really help you put this behind you. It basically means you take each negative thought, 'prove' it to be wrong and then replace it with a positive one. It can be incredibly positive and you will see results really quickly - in a matter of weeks. It totally transformed my DH. You don't have to carry this loser around with you - you can put him down at the side of the road and walk away, and I really think CBT would help you with that.

I think you do need to do something to address it though - you can't let it keep having such an impact on your self esteem.

FabBakerGirl Sat 08-Mar-14 17:06:03

Having read the reasons for his tantrums you really MUST stop giving this prick anymore head space.

Pollyputthekettle Sat 08-Mar-14 18:39:23

Yanbu. I understand,I had a boss that was similar but no where near as bad. Like you I found myself making stupid mistakes as she made me nervous. I have since moved on and as much as its been difficult it is definitely the right decision. Have you thought of a goodbye ceremony to the previous boss and the surrounding circumstances? Maybe writing a letter to him that you never send but allows the feelings out and 'closure'

Good luck.

Piechomper Sat 08-Mar-14 19:40:50

After ten years? Why are you choosing to give him so much power???

Yes yes to cbt/counselling.

pinkbluegreenyellow Sun 09-Mar-14 08:34:04

Thank you all for helping me laugh about this. I really feel so much better after reading all your suggestions and advice and support, and talking it through with my DH.

plutarch14 Mon 10-Mar-14 23:35:10

He didn't know who wrote Wuthering Heights?! That is basic.

OP, please please please find the address for his current place of work and send him this




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