To feel a bit stressed by ex's 'pop in' visits?

[deelite72]

I've been divorced for 10 years, remarried for nearly 5. I am expecting my third child, life is full, DS from 1st marriage is 12, DD from current marriage, and the very last one :-), is coming up on 4. We've moved on, ex and I and get along very well. We don't hang out and have chats on the phone. It's not about us. But he's very good with DS. He's not got set times to see DS as ex's lifestyle is a bit, shall we say, 'free' and unscheduled. He lives by his own set of rules and does his own thing. It's not my place to tell him how to live or how to be as a dad. I am well, well beyond all of that. He's really nice to our son and loves him dearly, he's a free spirit. He's been away,traveling and exploring. And he's sort of gotten into this habit of 'popping in' to visit during the week, which is just so incredibly inconvenient. He just doesn't get 'family dinners', 'homework', 'bat and bed'. Our son doesn't get home until 5:30 every evening. The visits are not frequent at all, but I get totally stressed when he says he would like to come over and spend time with our son and show him how to do something, teach him something. It drives my husband bonkers! I don't blame him. He comes in at say 7:30 and does not want to have my ex sitting here chatting, drinking tea and hanging out. I find it all uncomfortable and I don't know how to set a boundary without being offensive. Advice from any 'been there/done that' parents? Thanks!

[deelite72]

• very last one=last marriage, not last kid

[deelite72]

My tying! 'Bat and bed' =bath and bed
As in my ex doesn't 'get' family routine. He's not remarried and not had any other kids. I don't want to inflict my ways upon him, but I'd like to set boundaries.

[deelite72]

DS does go to dad's.
We've had the court orders setting out times in the past, but we're beyond court now... this would be antagonistic, imo.
You have to remember that his popping in is about him seeing his son, so I need to be careful of son's feelings too. I don't want him to think "mum and step-dad don't like my dad and no longer welcome here". It's a little bit delicate, but not loads.
How would one word my wishes nicely. I don't want to be a b*tch about it.

[Dawndonnaagain]

We had a similar situation, in the end we just put it bluntly, look, we know you love him but free access is a bit much and not working for us, how about Monday, Wednesday until eight and then you have him every other weekend. It worked, but not until we were blunt.