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to not let friend stay with us and be a bit pissed off with DH about it?

(41 Posts)
Menolly Fri 07-Mar-14 09:25:32

I'm a regular, have NCed for this.

One of our friends has just lost her job and is facing losing her home as she can't afford the rent, she has no family in England. DH, without speaking to me, told her if it comes to it she can move in with us.

I love this friend dearly and obviously I don't want to see her on the streets but she smokes weed and has told me before that she can't sleep unless she's had a joint, which whilst she's doing it in her own home is IMO her business, but she knows I don't like it. There have been a couple of times she's been round and smoked it on the balcony, after DD was in bed, even though I've told her that I didn't want her to even have it on her if she was coming round here, so if she can't respect that even for an evening then I'm worried that she's going to have drugs in the house, which I don't want round DD. Plus it's a council flat and says quite clearly in our tenancy that allowing drug use could get us evicted, so it only takes someone smelling it and complaining and we are screwed.

There are other issues as well, but I could probably find a way to live with these/work out a way to solve them if there wasn't the worry about drugs. The flat is only 2 bedrooms, so we don't have a spare room and she'd have to sleep in our living room which would be annoying. We struggle to afford bills anyway so adding another persons food/electric/water usage would make life hard but we couldn't ask her for any money as a) the council would view that as us having a lodger and b) because she's not a British Citizen she's not even sure she can claim benefits so may well have no money at all. She tells DD off, and whilst I'm quite happy for other people to tell DD off if she's being a brat, friend tells her off for things I wouldn't and is nastier with her telling off than I am.

I'm also really pissed off with DH for not talking to me about it first.

So AIBU and selfish as DH says I am?

Onesieone Fri 07-Mar-14 09:30:04

In my view this is easy. I'd say yes u can stay but no Weed! First sign of it and u r out! Explain urban reasons. That would nub.

formerbabe Fri 07-Mar-14 09:30:08

Omg!! YANBU! Tell her no!

ebwy Fri 07-Mar-14 09:31:02

no. not at all unreasonable. she's already shown she can't respect your wishes.

WitchWay Fri 07-Mar-14 09:31:39

YANBU. Your house, your rules. however you don't want to fall out with DH over it. If she has to stay with you I'd suggest a strict time limit from the start & a definite NO WEED enforcement. She would have to contribute at least something to her bed & board as well.

expatinscotland Fri 07-Mar-14 09:32:00

FFS! Show your DH this thread and tell her NO.

Quinteszilla Fri 07-Mar-14 09:32:04

I would not want her in my home either.

You can still help her, by helping her try access help, finding out what she is entitled to, and advice her regards her tenancy. Hopefully she will have a job again soon, and she will have a couple of months before her landlord evicts her, and even then he has to give her notice to quit her tenancy. Better to advice her to stay put in her flat and look for work, benefits, than the upheaval of leaving....

PumpkinsMummy Fri 07-Mar-14 09:32:05

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Is it possible your DH didn't really think through the ramifications before he offered? I am bad for doing this! If you are not happy about it - and I wouldn't be either - then you just have to tell DH that it won't work. He will have to tell your friend as it was him who invited her.

Sneepy Fri 07-Mar-14 09:33:11

She can afford weed but can't afford a place to live?? That just about says it all doesn't it? I wouldn't have a drug user in my home or around my kids. She's mean to your dc and doesn't respect your house rules or the rules of your council tenancy.

Fecklessdizzy Fri 07-Mar-14 09:33:25

Definitely not unreasonable! Tell her sorry, but you're not allowed to have lodgers under your tenancy agreement and you can only put her up for a couple of nights at the most or the council will get shirty.

It sounds like an unworkable arrangement ... Tell your DH she'll get you evicted!

gamerchick Fri 07-Mar-14 09:36:38

Tell her no.. sorry you can't risk your tenancy.

I've known IRL a child who nearly died from eating dope.. his mother never got him back.

If you're caught with drugs in the house you run real risk of losing your tenancy.

Not to mention the rules on having people to stay.. how will you prove she's not giving you any money?

Put the kybosh on this straight away personally.

CuntyBunty Fri 07-Mar-14 09:37:49

I wouldn't be bothered by the cannabis, but how can you tolerate her actually being nasty to your daughter? That doesn't sound like a friend to me. Do not let her move in with you. It just sounds so chaotic and unsettling an environment in which to bring up your daughter.

Menolly Fri 07-Mar-14 09:43:47

Thanks all, I do feel quite guilty saying no as I've been homeless and wouldn't wish that on anyone but I am helping her look for work and find out what help she can get so hopefully she won't need a place to stay anyway, I'm just annoyed that DH offered it.

Pumpkins, yeah its possible but he still doesn't understand why its a bad idea after I've explained.

Sneepy, as far as I can work out she does some cleaning work for a friend who pays her in weed, I have suggested she may be better off asking him to pay her cash.

Pollyputthekettle Fri 07-Mar-14 09:46:03

YANBU she sounds like a PITA and a potential leach. You don't have room and cannot afford to support her. It sounds harsh but I think she needs to sort herself out. I would concentrate any help you wish to offer on finding out what if any benefits she can get by pointing her in the direction of CAB. She doesn't sound like much of a friend from what you have said so don't feel obliged.

pictish Fri 07-Mar-14 09:47:59

Just noooo!!
And not because of the weed either - I don't much care about that...but having someone anyone staying in your house and sleeping on your sofa? Naaah.
It would be way too much of a bind and an intrusion for me! I'm all for helping a friend in need, but not to the cost of my privacy, sanity and personal space.
She can present herself to the council as homeless...they are far better equipped to deal with her problem than you.

Floggingmolly Fri 07-Mar-14 09:48:18

She gets paid in weed, and doesn't have enough cash to pay her rent? hmm. If you let her move in, you'll never get rid of her. Don't even dream of it.

torcat Fri 07-Mar-14 09:48:43

Sounds like a nightmare, absolutely no way. As others have said, tell her that it would risk your tenancy, since she obviously doesn't care about smoking weed around your daughter and won't accept that as a reason. Yes and as sneepy says how can she afford weed if she can't pay her rent?

gamerchick Fri 07-Mar-14 09:52:14

I was homeless on and off at 16 for a few years.. but i wouldn't put anybody like that up.

You'll never get rid of her.. you and your bloke will argue when it gets too much (been there and done that with a couple of house guests for 2 weeks) and the tension won't be that great for your daughter.. who will have to put up with being told off for small things.

Don't feel guilty... you're protecting your sanity and probably your friendship!

Meepers Fri 07-Mar-14 09:52:14

I allowed my ExHs friend to stay for 2 weeks before we were married. At 2.5 (he had nowhere to go after the 2) it came to a point of telling my ex it was his friend or me. One of us was leaving. The situations were different but it's so hard to live with someone else. Especially if there are underlying issues you know will arise.

I can honestly say I would never do it again. If she can't respect your rules for one night it won't happen long term and it's harder to kick someone out than it is to say no in the first place.

Menolly Fri 07-Mar-14 09:52:27

Cunty, she was a good friend before DD was born and when DD was a baby, the telling off is a relatively new thing as in her head once they start school they are old enough to behave perfectly all the time. (I think it's a combination of cultural differences, strict parents and not having kids of her own)

Pigletin Fri 07-Mar-14 09:55:16

You'll opening a can of worms if you let her stay with you, especially with no long-term plan in place. If I were you, I'd tell my husband to tell her she can't stay - he offered, he should be the one to tell her.

MaryWestmacott Fri 07-Mar-14 09:57:29

I would talk to your DH and say that you are annoyed at his offer without discussing it with you, as it impacts on all of you, and htat if she does move in you want to spell out clear house rules.

I'd put in, no weed in your home, not on the balcony, as that involves it being stored in your home prior to her smoking it. If you find any in your home, she has to understand you will give her 30 minutes to get out of your home and not come back, and no, you won't change your mind if it's 2am and -3. She understands this is non-negotable for you. If she wants to smoke it, she can do outside your home, but at no point is it in your home. Your DH has to agree if he turns a blind eye on this you will throw him out with her.

Also she would have to pay for food and towards bills.

And if she is not to shout or discipline your DCs.

This might involve a hard conversation for you and DH (and make sure you're in on the conversation, so he can't chicken out on saying it to your friend but tell you he has). She might decide she's got other friends who's home might be more suitable to share. If she comes to you, it's on your terms, not hers.

shewhowines Fri 07-Mar-14 10:00:17

No way on earth. It wouldn't be a good idea for a single person moving in with a family, even if you were the best of friends and there were no issues whatsoever.

Just tell her you value the friendship and you don't think any friendship would survive this as you are bound to argue. You don't want to risk ruining the friendship and you also don't want to risk losing your home by violating the tenancy agreement.

Broken record technique. Do not move. If the friend gets upset with you then she's not a friend worth having any way.
If DH gets upset, then tell him you love him too much to risk all the extra pressure, having someone/anyone to stay.

QuacksForDoughnuts Fri 07-Mar-14 10:32:00

IF you go ahead with her moving in, the rules Mary suggests are good ones. I'd add that she also needs to contribute to doing chores, especially if she works fewer hours than any other adult in the house. If nothing else, she needs to clean up after herself. You also need to agree rules about stuff like visitors, use of TV and phone/internet if you have these, boundaries regarding sharing of towels (yep, speaking from experience, don't assume everyone is on the same page about that) and similar. Also, you need to make sure your husband will back you up on enforcing these. Do not fall into a good cop/bad cop routine in which he is her protector and you are the bad guy, that can mess up a relationship like nothing else on earth and to be honest he has set a slight precedent for it by inviting her to stay without consulting you.

scarletforya Fri 07-Mar-14 10:36:58

She has no income!

NO !

And I'd go through your DH for a sort cut as well. The cheek of him inviting waifs and strays into your home! Tell him he'll have to retract the invite.

If she's homeless she needs to get her arse to a hostel instead of free loading off friends. Weed my arse. Homeless by choice if she can afford weed.

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