Work / Childcare / DH helping

[FrustratedParent67]

I need some clear boundaries here that I am not BU nor EA to our dc.

Since the dc’s were born, I immediately gave up my job full time, I wanted to be at home with both of them and dh agreed, it was a mutual decision – all happy.

Fast forward the years and the youngest dc is at reception, however since the youngest was nursery age for the free 15 hours, I found a part time job in the same industry that I left (with dh’s blessing), it was a great job and perfect for my next career move. Prior to this I did a teeny tiny bit of freelance work that keep my finger in the pie and kept my qualifications up to date (required CPD) but these ALWAYS fitted around the dc’s. When I went back to work for an external employer, dh picked up an element of doing some more tasks and taking both dc’s to school in the morning and doing all the morning tasks for them as I would leave before they were up. He would pick up as well during the day and I would do the remainder of the care for the afternoon as I would return home just as he was getting back with the youngest dc (I worked 25 hours a week, each morning) then would do the extra school run at 3.10 each day for the eldest dc. During holidays he would do the bulk of the holiday childcare.

There was a restructure at that employer and my job role was absorbed/outsourced so I was made redundant, so I was unemployed and took over the school run, holiday child care etc. Since the beginning of the school year, I still kept up with my freelance work and started to look for another part time job again around school hours or as much as I could. Not much was out there, either the part time jobs were a section below what I can do and would ‘murder’ my CV or the money wasn’t worth the journey after commuting costs.

However these things are like buses and in the space of a week, I have had a few interviews for jobs that are perfect on paper and the next step up career move, both salary and responsibility. They are still part time, however the working pattern would mean 2 full days at work a week, and early starts 5 days a week, however I would be able to do school picks up on the remaining 3 days a week. I’ve explored the option after school clubs at school and think for one afternoon a week this would suit, with the idea of DH having the dc’s the other afternoon. Dh however is adamant the youngest dc wouldn’t cope with the after school club and has said he actually wouldn’t want to take the dc’s each morning and pick ups on the two remaining days (assuming dc’s aren’t in after school club) as he’d start to feel like their mother and he’d feel funny doing ‘wife work and that’s what the mothers should be doing’ . I kept quiet at that comment and thought ‘Unbelievable’

He is SE and quite often can get away early, he is more than happy to do look after them one afternoon a week however feels it would cut into his work pattern to much during the week to do two afternoons a week and that the dc’s MUST come first and that we should fit around their needs. He feels that just because the youngest dc could MAYBE be ok in after school club, he’d be tired and that we are (read ME ) are making him be tired and he’d be suffering for it and really he should be home with me his mum. After all the normal thing is for husbands to work full time and the wives part time and they fit around the children. He does earn more than me, so him staying home those two days would mean he is loosing money. My argument that friends children who attend a private school and are there til 4.00 and start at 8.30 every day goes unnoticed and that even though the children are only playing between 3 and 4 each day they are with children their own age. Our after school club lumps all the children from R to Yr 6 together and he doesn’t like that. CM is an idea he won’t ever entertain – tried that and absolutely not.

Meanwhile I feel like I’m going mad and being made out to be a right selfish bitch because I want to get back into my career. Opportunities like these DON’T come along every day and I feel guilty/frustrated/cross and mad that I’m feeling like this. I don’t HAVE to work at the moment, but I WANT to and this is not helping the argument. He claims he can earn all the money and I look after the dc’s. Yes that would be ideal but I’m going mad and I feel this work pattern would work for us as a family but only if I have his support and I don’t - AIBU to want to do this ?

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think there are 2 issues here, and you both need to decide the way forward.
Obviously, your dh is a sexist pig of the highest order. I am a long term sahm and my dh would never suggest I had mothers work, he did school runs as much as I did.
However, the goal posts have changed in your situation. You did both decide for you to be the sahp which usually does mean doing pick ups if the other is working.
YANBU, he has got used to you doing most of the stuff and you need to tell him you need this on your terms, and although I am anti childcare myself even I can't see the problem with one after school club. Your dh is being a sexist pig, don't put up with it, is my advice.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Separate the after school care and the comments from dh.

Tackle dh first. How dare he refuse to do drop.offs because it would make him like the mother?!

DH does all non term time care of dd, drops her off at the cms three mornings a week and collects her three afternoons. He usually does the whole of saturday as I work.

He isnt her mother, he is her father, but we are both parents 50/50.

Your dhs attitude stinks.

[attheendoftheday]

Your dh is a sexist pig.

You have as much right to work as he does. If he believes it's important for the dc to have a parent at home he needs to look at cutting his hours down to provide this.

Fuck it being 'normal' for the woman to fit in. He means it's convenient to him, but at your expense.

Actually, fuck his attitude altogether. His lack of team playing (and lack of viewing you as an equal human being) would make me more dead set on taking the job.

[Fairenuff]

he actually wouldn’t want to take the dc’s each morning and pick ups on the two remaining days (assuming dc’s aren’t in after school club) as he’d start to feel like their mother and he’d feel funny doing ‘wife work and that’s what the mothers should be doing’

OP I didn't need to read further than this to know that he is being unreasonable.

I would have challenged him at the time and asked him to replace the word 'mother' and 'wife' with 'parent' and then see if what he said made any sense.