To ask how to not shout?

[WhoDaresWins]

DC are 4.5 and 3. By bedtime, they're bouncing off the walls and each other. Screaming, running, jumping, throwing things. They don't LISTEN to me. I have to ask two dozen times to put your pyjamas on please or come and clean your teeth. They ignore me. They roll around on the floor so I have to wrestle their pyjamas on. They run away.

I end up shouting and I hate it and myself. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

What am I doing wrong?

[HadABadDay2014]

What consequence do they have for not listening, do you follow through.

[not2nitedarling]

be firm and fair and sometimes fun.. I do the counting back from 3..2...1//I have never got to 1 yet.. I say what I want doing.. trousers and knickers off/top on etc then ask again... another reminder(usually) then say if you don't (...) then you will (..) I then add whatever sanction is appropriate.. only have one story or no story or whatever works for you xx
My dd is 4 and I regularly get frustrated at having to repeat/remind etc I can sympathise as I struggle with just the one!!

[Joysmum]

I would ask once nicely, ask a second time more forcefully and explaining the consequences of what would happen if I had to ask a third time.

Have a suitable punishment thought out beforehand, make it something that matters to them, and be sure to follow through with your threat.

Consistency is the key here. Luckily I rarely get to stage 3 now but had some 'interesting discussions' with my DH who would threaten to throw all DD's toys in the bin and other equally ridiculous statements. Kids need to know you mean what you say re punishments and treats.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Toys in the bin. Start small (say one of the hundreds of My Little Ponies) but it signals to DD that I am serious. She can earn most things back but once something is actually in the bin, it is too late. BTW some toys are immune. Her bedtime stuffy never gets threatened with anything.

[NewtRipley]

Counting backwards, making things into a game, having a tidy up song,

Low voice and bending down to look them in the face...

Preventing over-tiredess, earlier bedtime, a wind-down routine that doesn't allow for them getting hyper...

I think a belief that they will listen to you. That's why outsiders often have more success with getting DCs to do things than we do. If doubts, anxiety or anger creep in, DCs take advantage of that.

Some or all of these may work.

But also, it will get better!

[NewtRipley]

Giving a warning that something's going to happen.

[arethereanyleftatall]

You don't stand for this.
If I ask them to do something, and they don't do it, I say I will be counting to 3 and if they haven't done it by then I explain the consequences. I've never got to 3.
The consequences are either bed with no story, dd2, or time out, dd1. As dd2 loved stories, and dd1 loves attention.

[MrsGeorgeMichael]

charts work well
ie list all the things that need done as part of the routine and child ticks off as they do each thing
works a treat with my nearly 4 year old in the morning
my drawn pictures are rubbish
keep meaning to take photos

but hey ho, works for us :)

[CuriosityCola]

I can't find the link, but there is a support thread for this somewhere. I think it was in parenting.

theorangerhino.com/ is good.

[NewtRipley]

DS2 - making things into a race ( a race with me, not his brother) often worked - he's super competitive. Still race him up the stairs and he's nearly 11...

[CuriosityCola]

theorangerhino.com/[smile]

[TheGreatHunt]

I dress them I don't ask them to get dressed. It is bedtime so they will be overtired and mess around. We tend to try and keep it quick and calm. It usually descends into chaos if I get wound up and expect too much (mine are 4&2).

So out of bath, into PJs, get milk, into bedroom, stories, teeth, bed.

[NewtRipley]

Yes, TheGreatHunt

[Hassled]

You can stop yourself shouting by doing the "imagining there's a TV crew in your house recording your every move" thing. It does help.

And often/mostly, talking very quietly works as well. Quietly, but with a menacing air.

It does sound a bit like this has become too normal for them - so you need to break the routine. If you can, have someone to watch the older one while you deal exclusively with the 3 year old, and get him ready in a different room to usual, in a different order etc. Change it around as much as you can. Then swap with the 4 year old - again, make it as different to normal as you can. Then hopefully, when you're back to doing them both together again, they'll have stopped associating bedtime with bad behaviour.

[NewtRipley]

Yes, Hassled. I used that. I went through a really shouty period.

Som of it was also relieved by me getting more time to myself.

[amistillsexy]

I was going to say imagine someone's there watching you, all the time. It works for me!

[wobblyweebles]

I'm sure there is lots of good advice on how to shout less, but it is tough when they're this age, and if you can cut yourself some slack for shouting that might help. It does get easier.

[NewtRipley]

wobbly - it is tough, and I've done it myself, but fundamentally, I think the Op's saying it doesn't work, and that's as much a problem as feeling guilty or bad about doing it. DCs can't change what they are doing - we have to change our approach.

[NewtRipley]

... sorry, that sounded a bit preachy.

[wobblyweebles]

I agree that if possible she should find better ways. I'm just pointing out that it does get easier and that 3-5 is a particularly difficult stage - or at least I found it difficult.

[puntasticusername]

Ah. What you need is: all the good advice above, including a Really Fucking Reasonable voice.

When DS hears the Really Fucking Reasonable voice, he knows it's time to listen.

It's very low, very quiet, very even, very controlled and very determined. It is accompanied by getting down to his level, plus lots of eye contact (and if necessary, gentle grasping of his shoulders to ensure he's giving me his full attention), a very clear explanation of what I would like him to do next, and the consequences of failing to do that.

Basically, the more he kicks off, the calmer I get. It needs to be extremely clear that I'm in control - if I start getting frustrated and shouty, he knows I'm not in control, and things rapidly go downhill.

Best of luck!

[redexpat]

I ask DS nicely to do something. If he does it, he gets lots of praise. If not, DS do x or Mummy will do it for you. That way he knows there is no getting out of it. He is only 2 though, not sure how much longer it'll work for.

[NewtRipley]

wobbly.

Me too.

[BABaracus]

I found that there was lots of good advice in the book Calmer Happier Easier Parenting (sorry I can't do links).

[missymayhemsmum]

" If I have to say it again, I am going to get cross" said in deep and loud (but not quite shouty) voice. Wait for effect ...... "Thank you, well done for doing as you're asked. Now go and put your pyjamas on and we'll read a story"