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DH going to a wedding that I don't want to go to.

(84 Posts)
GrahamOffJezzaKyle Wed 05-Mar-14 15:06:52

Really not sure if IBU or not, having sounded out a few friends they are split 50/50.

To explain, we have been invited to the wedding of a friend who we see about 3 times a year (we love 200 miles apart) The groom is DH's friend who DH met through his ex. DH and the groom stayed friends and I like him and his DP. We get on fine.

DH's ex caused us some a lot actually of problems when we first got together. Ringing up the house, getting her friends to abuse me over the internet etc (I know, right?!) She is going to be at this wedding and for this reason I do not wish to go. I will feel really uncomfortable and I will be at a disadvantage as she will be surounded by people she knows and I will be the outsider. Usually not knowing anyone wouldn't bother me as I am fairly confident in talking to people and being socialble. But I know that I would be on edge all day.

So I made my excuses up and said to DH i wouldn;t be going. I said that childcare would be difficult (kind of true as our two options for babysitting will be difficult that weekend!) DH knew I was lying even though I insisted I wasn't but I didn't want to own up about why I didn't really want to do because it sounds like teenage stuff, doesn't it? But he got it out of me in the end. He said he understood why I would be uncomfortable but wanted me to go anyway. I refused. He had to send the RSVP back today and he's going alone.

I feel a bit unsupported tbh. I have NOT said this or acted hurt. I said I am happy for him to go alone but inside I was hoping he would make his excuses up and not go. Like I said, it's not a close friend. If it was him best mate I would be forcing him out the door but it's someone we hardly see.

AIBU? I feel like I am and I am not all at the same time.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 05-Mar-14 15:09:55

Sorry but YABU. He obviously wants to go, and to go with you, but you wont, and said it was fine for him to go alone, so he's going alone. He sounds very reasonable about the whole thing. I think it's a shame you wont go, tbh.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 05-Mar-14 15:12:45

YABU - His friend is getting married and he wants to go. Just because you don't want to shouldn't mean that he shouldn't go.

You are cutting off your nose to spite your face, your reasons for not going are wishy washy to say the least and it is going to be blatantly obvious why you are not there.......1 nil to the Ex W.

judyandthedreamofdonkeys Wed 05-Mar-14 15:12:59

logically yabu. He has been your dh friend for years regardless of how far away they live. will your dh have other friends there he doesn't see often and maybe wants to catch up with too?

now Im a bit illogical and tbh id be a bit miffed if my dh was going to a wedding where he ex and their mutual friends were going to be. i know it would be wrong and i know my dh would have every right to go but I would be secretly miffed about it.

are you sure you cant go be fabulous and ignore his psycho ex?

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 05-Mar-14 15:13:40

Seeing a friend who lives 200 miles away 3 times a year when you have DCs puts them in the catwgory where you try to get to their wedding. It isn't about this other person, it is about them. If we all decided to not go to a wedding because simeone who has made life hard for us will be there, there would be very few wedding guests.

GrahamOffJezzaKyle Wed 05-Mar-14 15:14:25

I don't want to go and be fabulous, tbh. It's too much of a wrench for me. We almost broke up several times over reasons involving her. To have to paint a smile on and act socially confident all day will be a very big thing for me (anxiety/panic attack sufferer!)

Bowlersarm Wed 05-Mar-14 15:15:39

YABU I'm afraid.

yegodsandlittlefishes Wed 05-Mar-14 15:16:19

In that case, be happy that your DH doesn't also suffer from social anxiety and panic attacks and don't let that stop him from supporting his friend.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Wed 05-Mar-14 15:16:23

Yab ridiculous. He is your husband she is an ex.

Bowlersarm Wed 05-Mar-14 15:17:06

If you don't want to go then fair enough. But your DH should be able to decide if he goes or not.

MorrisZapp Wed 05-Mar-14 15:17:55

On the face of it Yabu, and a bit passive aggressive really. If you didn't want him to go you should have said why instead of making up a rubbish excuse and hoping he would follow suit.

Everybody's happy and smiley at weddings, just ignore anybody you didn't like in the past.

Seems a shame to miss out?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 05-Mar-14 15:18:26

Well it may be a big thing for you and you feel you really can't go but that's no reason for your DH not to go.

If DH asked me not to go somewhere because his ex was going I would quite frankly not be impressed! It's your insecurity, not his.

MorrisZapp Wed 05-Mar-14 15:19:37

Sorry just seen you have anxiety. Ok, so you really don't want to go, but please don't make it hard for him to attend his friends wedding.

Ludways Wed 05-Mar-14 15:21:21

He wants to go so let him.

weeblueberry Wed 05-Mar-14 15:21:24

I feel a bit unsupported tbh.

How can he possibly support you if he doesn't know your actual reasons for not wanting to go?

squeakytoy Wed 05-Mar-14 15:22:06

How long ago was all the drama with his ex?

Were you the other woman?

Is she in a new relationship now?

If it was long ago, and she is going to be there with her own partner, then she is not likely to ruin her friends wedding reception.

I can understand you not wanting to go though.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 05-Mar-14 15:24:32

I said I am happy for him to go alone That was reasonable.

but inside I was hoping he would make his excuses up and not go. More likely he is probably hoping you'll relent and join him.

I'm afraid you'll be worried now about how his ex will be towards him once she spots he's unaccompanied. It could all be water under the bridge as far as she's concerned, she won't necessarily be out to make mischief. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking for one moment you're in awe of her.

Why not give it some thought, see if you can come round to thinking it won't be the ordeal you fear, attend with him?

maggiemight Wed 05-Mar-14 15:26:53

Well if she got friends to abuse you online and some of these friends will be there as well as her you are def best not to go. All the weeks before hand would have been anxious for you, let alone the wedding, who says everyone is happy at weddings?? Who knows it could be her last chance of revenge?

Did you cause the split, if you didn't she sounds v malicious.

Next time you see the friends who are getting married just apologise 'you were anxious about the way ex might behave to you' be honest or it looks like you are daft, and not the ex. Explain it caused you a lot of distress at the time.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 05-Mar-14 15:35:30

If this was my DH he would have declined on his own as he would know I would be uncomfortable, so I understand how you feel. I guess some people see things differently.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Wed 05-Mar-14 15:39:46

You are married woth children so I am assuming all the drama is the distant past.

Thumbwitch Wed 05-Mar-14 15:40:07

As far as you not wanting to go, I think YANBU, really. It sounds like it would be very uncomfortable for you and I think your DP should appreciate your position.

However, as far as him not going by himself, YABU. It's his friend, and other friends; he should go if he wants to. It's not unsupportive of you for him to go - if anyone is being unsupportive, it is you by refusing to accompany him (although I still see why you wouldn't want to).

But - if he goes alone, then you do rather leave him on a limb, so he's likely to gravitate to his ex and old friends and spend most if not all his time with them; which could make things a bit tricky for him to talk about it when he gets home. I think I would be almost tempted to go with him, just to keep a beady eye on how his ex behaves with him, but it would be heavy going I think.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Wed 05-Mar-14 15:44:31

Yeah right coz it's more anxiety to be in the room taking part in proceedings than sitting at home worrying wondering etc.....

Silly. Should've gone. Really really should've gone.

MorrisZapp Wed 05-Mar-14 15:45:11

Surely the ex will have her new DP/ DH with her though? She's v unlikely to be in shit stirring mode all these years later. She's probably meek as a lamb now.

WooWooOwl Wed 05-Mar-14 15:47:59


Why do you feel unsupported? What exactly do you need support with here?

It sounds like you made up your mind not to go before you had talked it though with your DH, and your DH has made his decision too. It sounds like you need to communicate better, especially as you told him you didn't mind him going alone but you were lying.

It's not up to you to decide whether you DH and this friend are close enough. A friendship isn't based on how many times a year you see each other.

mouldyironingboard Wed 05-Mar-14 15:51:55


I wouldn't want to go to a wedding if I knew my DHs ex would be there. Why put yourself in a position of feeling uncomfortable and everyone knowing the awkwardness of the situation?

Actually, my DH wouldn't want to go to a wedding like that either as he can't stand the sight of his ex, no matter how close a friend was getting married!

It's fine if your DH goes alone and you have let the couple know well in advance - just make sure you have something nice planned for that day.

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