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AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

(313 Posts)
SarahAnderson Wed 05-Mar-14 08:16:45

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

Beverleymoss Wed 05-Mar-14 08:18:32

I would try and get over yourself just a little bit.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 05-Mar-14 08:20:14

Hmm. I think you are slightly over reacting.

ShatnersBassoon Wed 05-Mar-14 08:20:44

It seems a bit peevish to throw greetings cards away because someone made a mistake addressing it. It obviously bothers you a great deal, so tell the people who get it wrong.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 05-Mar-14 08:21:10

Yes. They didn't send you a shit in a box.

Sirzy Wed 05-Mar-14 08:21:27

Massive overreaction, being a bit miffed fair enough put really does it matter?

pictish Wed 05-Mar-14 08:22:21

Yabu...and just a smidge on the batshit side as well.

MrsBennetsEldest Wed 05-Mar-14 08:22:46

The card was yours and you threw it away because are silly.
Hardly the act of a sensible person. Did you stamp your foot too?
You are being a bit of a spoilt princess.

Pagwatch Wed 05-Mar-14 08:23:02

I have been married for 25 years and I don't think I have ever received a letter so addressed.
Perhaps people are doing it to make that funny vein in your neck bulge?

EatDessertFirst Wed 05-Mar-14 08:25:08

There is no doubt its an old fashioned, yet polite way of addressing post to a married lady but I do think you are overreacting.

I'm guessing that if someone you know is doing it just to wind you up then you must be known for being precious about your title/name.

Repeating what Beverleymoss said.....I would get over youtself a little bit.

Dawndonnaagain Wed 05-Mar-14 08:27:32

I too am Doctor. I open all my post. I think if people are kind enough to send you cards or gifts you should be kind and well mannered and thank them, not throw them away because according to you they are incorrectly addressed. FFS, I get annoyed that commas are no longer used when addressing letters, doesn't stop me opening them. I haven't stopped buying yoghurt now the 'h' has been dropped, either.
Try and be a little kinder to people who have bothered being kind to you.

OOAOML Wed 05-Mar-14 08:29:29

I think I would mention it to people. Try and find a polite way of doing it if they're people you're worried will react badly.

I don't like cards addressed to 'Mr & Mrs DH Initial DH Surname' but after mentioning it to people the first year we were married, I've given up expecting older relatives to do anything else and the SIL who does it annoys me anyway. I don't think any of my friends do it though, it seems very much an older generation thing.

And if I had a title like Dr then I'd blooming well use it - why should it be wiped out by marriage?

Topaz25 Wed 05-Mar-14 08:29:37

I'd return them stamped not known at this address! Sure, it's nice they sent a card but it's weird to address it to completely the wrong name! Presumably the people in your life know you are a Dr and did not change your last name on marriage and the husband's first name thing is annoying and outdated.

chemenger Wed 05-Mar-14 08:29:52

You need to get over it, it isn't important unless your own sense of identity is so weak that it can be damaged by someone using the wrong name. I recommend not getting an Amex card - I have a second card on DH's account and they have no way to make my name anything other than Mrs, even though I am Dr, DH is more annoyed by it than me. I am more than my name.
I'm fairly sure that if I reacted as you have my family would deliberately think of as many annoying versions of my name to use as possible!

Topaz25 Wed 05-Mar-14 08:30:59

Obviously I would mention it to people first but it is insensitive, especially if they are doing it on purpose.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude Wed 05-Mar-14 08:33:46

My DH follows my career and we are often sent invitations to Mrs and Mr Ethel Schadenfreude. And he has received invitations to eg a spouses' lunch, where he is addressed only as Mr Ethel Schadenfreude.

Why would you throw away a card or letter without opening it? It might have a big fat cheque inside!

WutheringYikes Wed 05-Mar-14 08:34:08

My SIL is a doctor - every time I send her post I forget and I address it to Mrs not Dr. I wonder if she opens them or simply bins them.
Lots of people spell my children's names incorrectly, should I through away their cards too?

callamia Wed 05-Mar-14 08:34:35

I kind if think its amusing (although I don't think it's ever happened). I'm a Dr too, but most if our post comes to Mr and Mrs (we are married). I just don't think my friends think I'm precious enough to care what title I use, although a quick look at my bank cards would reveal the truth. I think this is something only we care about.

OOAOML Wed 05-Mar-14 08:34:38

Why should she get over it? It is her name and title. Provided she doesn't go into a big frothing at the mouth frenzy over it, what is wrong with telling people how you would like to be addressed? To some people it doesn't matter, to some people it does.

badbride Wed 05-Mar-14 08:35:11

YANBU to find this extremely irritating. Like you, I am a Dr who didn't name-change on marriage. Everyone I know knows this. Yet some people can't seem to stop themselves addressing things to Mrs DH.

The way I deal with it is to shrug and privately assume these people are just a bit mental. What else can you do? Getting cross and chucking post away just plays into the hands of the numpties.

Daykin Wed 05-Mar-14 08:36:39

DP's friends wife has picked holes in the way I've addressed her Christmas card three times. Two times I followed her exact instructions from the previous year but she'd changed her mind. They no longer get one. People have enough going on without having to remembering the specific addressing likes of everyone they know. I wouldn't do it, but it is still considered polite by some people and it seems churlish to throw it back in their faces. Not everyone will remember that you didn't change your name, or they may think that you only kept your maiden name professionally and they may think that you only use Dr at work.
It does sound slightly like they may be winding you up though. I've been married 15 years and I've never had a letter addressed to me like that.

motherinferior Wed 05-Mar-14 08:36:45

I appear to be in a minority of agreeing with you. I would go incandescent with rage.

motherinferior Wed 05-Mar-14 08:37:29

It's not her 'maiden' name it's her real name.

elfycat Wed 05-Mar-14 08:41:29

My MIL writes my birthday cheques to [my first name] [his surname]. As this isn't my name and I don't fancy digging through paperwork to find our marriage cert and then having to explain that my MIL is a PA idiot, I put them in the bin.

I'm sure it's her money saving idea.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect family members and friends to be able to remember our names. I do accept to Mr and Mrs [his surname] on post from companies etc and if someone phones and asks if I'm Mrs [his surname] I'll just say yes. To be fair he just says yes if someone phones and asks if he's Mr [my surname].

Daykin Wed 05-Mar-14 08:41:32

It's not her 'maiden' name it's her real name.

Yes good point. However, if her friends and relations who are sending her nice cards and gift to the wrong name believed that she used one name professionally and another personally then they would refer to it as her maiden name, as would she and everyone else in the world. It's not uncommon for people to say 'I've kept my maiden name at work', or even simply 'I kept my maiden name'. It still is a maiden name as well as her actual name. Technically.

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