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To not want him in my house?

(19 Posts)
Zeeeon Wed 05-Mar-14 08:02:03

I live in a shared house and broke up with my ex of three years last summer, at the time he was living here too on the couch. He is an alcoholic and heavy drug user, mentally and physically abusive, never worked and so I had to pay for everything, emotional affairs: basically hugely unpleasant. During our relationship I was also a bad girlfriend and so depressed I was suicidal at times. It took me a long time and a lot of mental upset to break up with him because I stupidly felt I could help him.

Now I have moved on, am doing a lot better at work and being a good friend, have dated a couple of lovely guys and feel generally incredibly happy.

My housemate is still friends with my ex which is fine - we have a lot of mutual friends and I see no point in making them take sides. Sometimes I see him socially and it's ok, but I still don't want to be friends with him. He was messaging me a few weeks ago saying he loves me (I ignored) despite apparently dating someone else. A few days ago he came to dinner with my housemate, I kept out of the way, then without asking her or me tried to spend the night on the couch. I said he had to leave and after a big argument and my housemate backing me up he did. He has since sent me passive aggressive texts and and my housemate is making me feel guilty about it too.

AIBU to not want him sleeping in my house?

I actually don't even want him here at all. I don't want to feel stressed out and guilty about him ever again.

ChaircatMiaow Wed 05-Mar-14 08:06:28

YANBU

Why on earth is your housemate friends with a guy who was physically abusive to you?

WooWooOwl Wed 05-Mar-14 08:09:09

YANBU to not want him there, but the lines of what is and isn't acceptable in a shared house can be blurry.

As long as your housemate backed you up, then you hopefully won't need to worry about him expecting to stay again.

In what way is your housemate making you feel guilty? Does she expect to be able to have whoever she wants sleep on the sofa because that's been the kind of unwritten rule in the past?

Zeeeon Wed 05-Mar-14 08:13:30

She feels sorry for him and is worried he'll end up sleeping on the streets. He does 'pathetic' very well. He has a lot of local friends and a supportive family though so that is unlikely to happen.

Whocansay Wed 05-Mar-14 08:24:12

YANBU, but realistically, your friend and ex know how you feel and don't care. There's nothing you can do about it apart from find a new house share.

Dirtybanana Wed 05-Mar-14 08:32:52

If it's a rented house-share, then it's time to find a new one and move out, and don't leave a forwarding address.

ChaircatMiaow Wed 05-Mar-14 08:37:33

Agree with banana. You need to find somewhere else to l

ChaircatMiaow Wed 05-Mar-14 08:39:31

Ah fat fingers!

You need to find somewhere new to live and do not give your housemate the new address. It sounds like she could be easily convinced to pass the details onto your ex.

tigermoll Wed 05-Mar-14 10:25:34

Moving out seems drastic - can you speak to your flatmate and remind him /her exactly why you don't want your ex near you?

MistressDeeCee Wed 05-Mar-14 10:29:40

You need to move out. Its a no-brainer.

Your housemate is a troublemaker. & so is he. Neither have your safety or wellbeing at heart.

MistressDeeCee Wed 05-Mar-14 10:31:47

Also agree with others who have said when you move, don't give your housemate the address. There's nothing to talk or reason with her about. If she wants to be his rescuer thats fine, let her get on with it. But take yourself out of a situation that could very well turn unpleasant again for you as she is weak in the face of his pathetic act, with no concern as to how you may be affected, and that he is going to use her to get near to you. Move asap.

SomethingProfound Wed 05-Mar-14 10:31:54

Does your housemate know the ins and outs of why you broke up or just that you have split?

If it were me I would talk to your housemate say that you don't expect them to choose sides but that you do not want him in the house and explain why.

ArtexMonkey Wed 05-Mar-14 10:33:55

Tbh neither of you sounds like a terrific housemate.

I would not be hugely happy if I had a housemate who moved her alcoholic drug user boyfriend on to our communal couch. Yes I know you've split up now and you don't want him in your space, and she should of course respect that, but this kind of thing is a two way street and you might want to bear this in mind for the future if 'bad boys' are your type.

Zeeeon Wed 05-Mar-14 11:48:42

It's not as though my housemate is our only shared friend - we have mutual friends from school, university, work, hobbies, places we go to, etc. I couldnt fully cut him out unless I moved city or country and started again, which I don't want to do. Like I said, I'm happy with life now and that includes with my house and housemates, I just don't want him here.

My housemate did actually check it was ok for him to come to dinner and I said it was, but I didn't want him to stay over and she understood.

I just feel like he's put us both in an awkward and unpleasant situation. Now I don't want him in the house at all.

Zeeeon Wed 05-Mar-14 11:50:22

And Artex my housemate wanted him to stay, they're friends. Bad boys aren't my type, thanks, that was the worst period of my life and I'm glad it's over.

SelectAUserName Wed 05-Mar-14 12:05:53

YANBU not to want him there but your housemate is NBU to want to entertain her friends in her house. I notice you say 'housemate' rather than 'friend', so presumably you and she aren't such close friends that she would know all the details behind your break-up and have loyalty to you over this violent alcoholic abuser?

It's a tricky one. You can control it completely by moving out. If you don't want to do that, then a chat with your housemate to agree some 'ground rules' is the only alternative. Could she give you more warning of his visits in future so you could arrange to go elsewhere if you chose in order to avoid seeing him, and agree non-negotiably that overnight stays are out of the question no matter how pathetic he might act?

ArtexMonkey Wed 05-Mar-14 14:04:16

Well perhaps next time your housemate asks if it's ok if he comes over, say no.

People don't change as a rule, and he sounds like an arsehole who takes various liberties with people, but you knew that already i guess.

You've escaped the cycle of feeling responsible to and for him, and being let down and taken advantage of by him. It sounds like your friend hasn't, but that's not your problem and it's fine to say that to her. If she still feels like she needs to support him or whatever, there are ways she can do that without inflicting him on you. She may well feel relieved to be able to say to him 'l

ArtexMonkey Wed 05-Mar-14 14:05:28

'Look, i can't feed you/house you/whatever right now'

MistressDeeCee Wed 05-Mar-14 14:37:41

This man was physically and mentally abusive to you

An alcoholic and drug user.

Your housemate is making you feel guilty about not wanting him around

& you are umming & aahing about not wanting him around, yet the house isn't solely yours

hmm

If he was staying there before your housemate knows exactly what he is like, doesn't she. I don't think violent alcoholics/drug users are able to hide their prince charming side from friends as easily as that. She also witnessed your argument on the night you wanted him to leave and your reasons for not wanting him there would have been very apparent; unless you argued in silence?!

It beggars belief that certain types of men are actually able to get a woman to touch them with a bargepole whether friendship/relationship, much less angst over him in any way. Personally if a man had been violently and mentally abusive to me this would be a no-brainer, Id move out of the property and not get into wrangling with anybody about whether he can chill on the couch or not. My personal safety and wellbeing are worth a lot to me. However you know what suits you best and if you want to stay then you sit your housemate down and spell out your concerns in simple and direct fashion. Just come to a compromise that you're both happy with

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